Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Star Trek Bladder Problem


I have a problem.
My bladder is the size of a peanut.

I forgot that when I went to go see Star Trek, and chugged a small fountain drink, which if you have noticed lately aren't really small at all. The new “smalls” at a movie theater, I swear are at least 109 oz.

So there I sat nursing my “small” fountain drink, when all of a sudden as Kirk, Spock, and I left federation space, I felt a felt a little pressure on my bladder. But I thought, "I will be fine, this movie can’t be longer than 30 minutes."

An hour later, I was feeling so very uncomfortable, but I thought it is my duty as a member of Starfleet Command to stay with my crew and support them in their fight with the Klingons. What kind of a person would I be, if in the heat of battle I sashayed off to the little boy’s room?

Two hours into the movie I was HNEOKN lOIJJKO, which is Romulan for “hurtin’ fer certin”. I was in so much pain that I sat in the plank position in my chair hoping to take some pressure off my bladder. I tried to stay with Captain Kirk, but I had to abandoned ship, because there was a time bomb about to go off inside of me.

So I did an Olympic size leap, well, it more of a crawl, over the back of the chairs and dashed to the restroom.

Feeling 109 oz lighter, I returned to my seat and found that the Starfleet mission had taken a dramatic turn.For whatever reason “Good guys” were now “bad guys”, people were crushing each others heads, phasers were not set to “stun” as they were when I ran to the bathroom. It was crazy. And everyone around me was so enthralled as to what was happening they didn’t want to take the time to explain what I had missed.

I felt like I let my friend on the Enterprise down.

Next time I go see a movie I might opt for the adult diaper. That bulk around the waist is so flattering to my Star Trek ultra mini.

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Anonymous Text


Do you ever get a text message that says, “Hey, we are having a party and we want you to come over.”

They are not one of your contacts, and they didn't attach their name to the text.  So who in the world is this person?

The sad thing is that I really want to attend a party, but I don’t want to text them back and say, “Um...Who is this?” Because I kind of feel like I should know who they are, even though I really don't.

But this person obviously thinks we are friends, and that we are good enough friends that I would have them as one of my contacts. I fear by asking them who they are might hurt their feelings and may cause a retraction of an invite to their super fun party.

So instead of doing something, I do nothing.

Problem solved?