The Days and Nights of Robierto

I love when people get revelation for me. It saves me so much time in the hunt for a spouse. I mean, why would I receive revelation for my own affairs when there are a whole army of people intercepting them for me. One day at church, a sweet sister approached me with something very important to say. How do I know it was important? Because, she cupped my elbow with her hand and gently whispered in my ear, " I need to talk to you about something very important. Can I meet with you after church? " Thinking it had something to do with my calling or perhaps an assignment that needed to be filled, I politely agreed to meet her in the chapel after church. During Sunday School I kept thinking that perhaps she had contracted some terrible disease and needed a blessing or perhaps she was having some doubts about her testimony and was needing my help to get her back on track. After the block, I entered the chapel to see her sitting quietly with a very pious look on her face. As ...

Friends, I am not much of a party goer. In fact, if I am being honest, and I would like to think that I am, I HATE parties. I shouldn't say "hate ", I like parties that have, oh I don't know, maybe 2-3 people attending. Once we hit 4 people in one room, socially I feel obligated to leave. It's too loud and the social responsibility to talk to all those people is just too much. Am I right? Last night, I attended a party. When I entered the party there was about 3 people mulling around. We had appetizers, we shared some laughs, it was fantastic. 15 minutes later, all of a sudden there was a steady stream of people flooding the party. Little by little I was pushed into the breakfast nook holding my virgin mint julep and meatball on a tooth pick. I couldn't hear, and I really wasn't the center of attention any more. At this point the voice inside me said, "Um-kay, it's time to go," There was a slight problem friends, there was a sea of peop...

I love blind dates. They are my preferred method of meeting people. False . I hate this medium of dating. It is terrible and needs to be stopped immediately. People try to set me up on blind dates all the time and they have come to find that I am no longer subscribing to that method of social interactions, as it never ends well for me and I am pretty sure it is a major cause to my irritable bowel syndrome, or IB as I like to call it. But my friends have found a cleaver loop hole which I like to call the blind, blind date. It goes a little something like this. My friend will invite me over for, let's say a BBQ. They tell me, "We haven't seen you for a long time and would love to have you come over and catch up. You are such an amazing human being and would love to have your influence in and around our children." How could I not pass up free food and such flattery. So I show up with the expectation of spending some quality time with friends, when out of the ...

Do you ever find yourself in a place, where normally it is not acceptable to be, but then you have a genuine reason to be in that place, but everything inside you says you shouldn't be in said place? Let me explain. So, I am in a play and have to wear make-up. And for the first time in my life I have had to go to a place that feels so foreign to me, The Make-up Aisle. I get so self conscious in the make-up aisle, as soon as another human comes walking down the aisle, I bolt like a startled deer. No joke, I have made three separate attempts to buy the required make up and have ended up running to my car in absolute panic, rocking and crying in the back seat. So yesterday, was the final day I could go to get my make-up before the our dress rehearsal. So I drove to the Walmart, took a deep breath and plunged into the make-up aisle. I was immediately overwhelmed with the the selections, colors, and different items of make-up for purchase. Wouldn't you know as soon I wal...

So the other day my coworker was trying to line me up on a blind date, as all good coworkers do. She gave me the typical run down about this girl she wanted to set me up with, how we had a lot in common, how tall she is, how she had like two masters degree and knits bandages for Syrian refugees, etc. And then she added this little caveat which seemed oddly out of place, " Oh, and she is really pretty, but my husband thinks she looks like a witch ."  " OK, Yep,...wait, what was that? " " Yeah, my husband thinks she looks like a witch . But you are going to love her. " So, I am not an expert on setting up people, but you might not want to lead off with the phrase, "I want to set you up with my friend who looks like a witch ." In fact, leave the similarities to her being " witch -like" out of the conversation all together. When you describe your friend as a witch , you are driving a nail into her "blind date" coffin, or...

Do you ever go to Wal-Mart and your entrance and exit strategy is correlated upon the location of the Salvation Army bell ringer? Now don’t get me wrong friends, I believe in the Salvation Army and all the good they do, but seriously who carries around cash any more to drop into the bucket? And let’s be honest, it does cause some unnecessary guilt when I don't donate, for which I do not need at this time in my life. So what do I do? Well like most Americans I simply avoid the cause of pain and discomfort by completing avoiding the Bell Ringer all together. So as I pulled into to the Wal-Mart I noticed the Bell Ringer was stationed at the east entrance, so naturally I walked the extra hundred yards to the west entrance. And I chuckled to myself, “ This is too easy, how cleaver I am?” After I finished my shopping I was heading for the west exit, when to my shock, guess who was stationed in front of my only escape from the Wal-Mart? Yes,OK, well yeah…obviously...

So I was out in Elberta, UT, "cow country" for those of you from the city. It is was OUT there friends, we are talking 1 hour and a 1/2 from modern civilization. After I had finished my work there, a man approached and said that his wife had dropped him off at work that morning, but he was "in charge" of finding a ride home, and wondered if I could give him a lift. This is awkward for a couple reasons. First, who leaves their spouse to find away home an hour and half away? And who asks a perfect stranger to drive them home? And who in their right mind would consent to drive that perfect stranger home? THIS GUY! Before we proceed with this story I must tell all my gentle readers that I am not a "talker". I am a great listener and am extremely good at making sarcastic quips, but "chatty", I AM NOT. I have 7 really solid conversation starters, but once I have maxed those seven questions out, I am done. If people like to talk, these questio...

So, I was asked to give the opening prayer in sacrament meeting on Sunday. A relatively easy assignment that fills me with complete anxiety. The praying isn’t the hard part, but rather the timing of the walk up to the podium fills me with shear anxiety. That walk up to the podium is tricky because you have to leave at the exact right moment during the last line of the hymn. If you leave too early you are left standing on the podium awkwardly waiting for the last strains of the hymn to come to a close. If you leave too late there is a very loud and awkward silence after the hymn and people start looking at their watches and clearing their throats to indicate that they are not happy that you are wasting their valuable prayer time. So there I was sitting in my seat, singing the last verse of the opening song, prepping for the long walk to the podium, debating when I should make my move. “ OK, the chorister is leading really slow so I could probably wait a couple more seconds,...

So I invited a friend of mine to attend a movie this weekend. His response, " Oh I wish I could, but I have so many things going on. I am working on my Masters degree, during the day,  home schooling my children in the afternoon, and then our family knits bandages for Bosnian refugees in the evening ." And this is my favorite part..." You are so lucky you have so much free time on your hands that you can go do things, like go to the movies. " Which, if you really think about it, is a back handed way of saying, "The things I am focusing on are so much more important, then what you are focusing on in life." Um...OK. Obviously, my friend hasn't seen the movie trailer for " Jurassic World " because, friends if he had, he would put down his knitting and realize that the greatest issue that requires our time and attention today, is the issue of genetically enhanced dinosaurs threatening our way of life in the United States...or Isla Nubla...

So here is something that happened to me last Saturday that has troubled me lo these many days. I went to go give blood as I am oft to do, because I am an amazing person who gives of himself. As part of the screening process, as you may know, you are required to go into a tiny room, well more like a closet, to go through a very rigorous screening process and answer some very personal questions. So there I was, sitting literally knee to knee with this phlebotimist, trying to make awkward small talk about things like, oh I don't, how uncomfortable I am with being in tiny spaces with complete strangers, when I let slip that I was "single". Now, I am convinced no one should reveal among those who are married, because when that little nugget of information is out there friends, you know a blind date invitation will soon follow. Am I right? As predicted, she put down her stethoscope and blood pressure cuff, and said, "Can I ask you a personal question?" "...

A movie came out recently that had everyone talking. "The special effects are amazing!" "That movie had me on the edge of my seat for all 15 hours." "I laughed, I cried, It cured my gingivitis!" I won't tell you the name of the movie, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling who really liked it, but it starts with and " I " and rhymes with " Mintersteller". A group of my friends took me to this movie and we are all excited because, as I said before, the buzz about this movie was off the charts. So my expectation was that I was really going to love this movie. So 15 hours later, the lights came up and here were my thoughts: " Wait..I don't get it. Do he go back to space? Wait. What? I don't understand. Am I stupid? Why is everyone in the movie running on different times? Dangit I knew I should have taken AP Physics? I don't get it! This movie is super confusing." Needless to say, I did...

Today I was running late to church. I walked in and greeted the fellow handing out the programs for the service. As I reached for a program he pulled back and said, "I already gave a program to your wife." Which is odd, because as you know, I don't have wife. But then I thought, "May be my future wife is here. May be this good brother didn't make a mistake but was, in his own special way, telling me that my future wife was in the congregation, today, right then, waiting for me to share a program with her." I rushed in hoping to find her. Apparently, she got tired of a waiting, because I couldn't find her any where. It looks like she got tired of holding the program by herself and left. I really need to get to church earlier, and my wife needs to be a little bit more patient in waiting for me.

Friends, I am gonna be real with you. I am a 38 year old man who still feels extremely exposed, vulnerable, and embarrassed when I have to buy toilet paper. If I ran a store, I would sell toilet paper like they sell ice. You whisper to the cashier that you need  it, and then you exit the store grab it from a container, throw it in a cooler in your car, and take off to the beach. No muss, no fuss, fantastic! I have found a loop hole, so I thought, that has helped me to avoid the purchase of toilet paper every month. I buy my toilet paper in bulk from Costco.With the help of Costco I have avoided having to buy toilet paper for 20 years. So last week I had gotten to my last square of toilet paper, so I went to Costco for the Great Toilet Paper Purchase of 2014. Let me say that I was feeling really confident about my ability to make a toilet paper purchase. After all, the last time I had to buy toilet paper was when I was 18. I was young and socially awkward then, but now I ...

So I went to my first caucus meeting last week. Let me pause here to say, that if we are trying to get younger voters involved in the political process perhaps we need to change the name. "Caucus" sounds like something you get after you have had a bad Indian meal. Why not call it " Political Dance Party 2014 " or " Vote 'til you Die, Sucka '". This, I feel, will bring out the young voters. So I show up to the caucus meeting not even sure what I am supposed do. I enter a classroom with a bunch of people who seem super pumped about the republican party. There was even a guy with the constitution printed on his t-shirt, wearing a lovely red, white, and blue fanny pack, which, if we are being honest, was concealing his 9 mm handgun. So I made my way to the back and thought to myself, " I think I am just going to watch to see how this process works." And then I hid behind the man with "constitution T-shirt." So after a prayer...

So I just paid $9.00 to take a personality test to help me find a new career. I had some general ideas of different fields that I think I might be interested, like training or counseling but I felt like I needed a second witness, if you will, confirming that my career options are in fact a  field that my personality and biology are predisposed to do. Here are some of the exciting career options that this survey says I would be great at.: ·          Library Technician or Assistant ·          Computer Operator (Isn’t that I what I do all day any way?) ·          File Clerk ·          Utility Meter Reader ·          Telephone Operator ·          Slot Supervisor (I hope they are referring to “slot machines”) ·    ...

So the other day I ran into a co-worker, after she picked herself off the floor, I asked her how her birthday was, 'cause I am totally nice like that. Now let me pause here to say, that I want people to think I am awesome. But it isn’t very often that I come across that way. So I wanted to acknowledge her age and congratulate her on this milestone birthday.  I remembered my co-worker’s birthday was a big one. I knew it was a rite of passage birthday, with a big “0” behind it. But for the life of me I couldn't remember how old she was turning, but I had a hunch it had to be either 50 or 60. After she told me about her awesome party, she recounted how she hated turning older, and getting wrinkles in various parts of her body. Wrinkles? Getting older? Woman please! Being the amazing genius that I am, with my keen sense of deduction, I was pretty sure:   wrinkles + getting older = 50. So I was so excited to let her know how fantastic I was, because not onl...

What is it about flying that delights us so? Is it hurdling through the air at 1000 mph? Is it the bathrooms that no normal sized person can fit in to? How about the seats that never seem to recline enough to actually be comfortable? Honestly, my favorite part of the flight is the complimentary beverage and snack. I get giddy when I hear the metal cart banging into seats and unsuspecting passenger’s legs. In my mind the flight attendants are saying, “ Robierto, and all the rest of you little people , you are being such good fliers and behaving so well…we are goin’ sneak ya’ll a little treat. Don’t tell the Captain .” I turn into a five year old inside and actually have to talk myself down so my heart rate doesn't spike, “ Robierto, be cool.  Be cool. It’s free food I know,  but let’s be cool .” So I start flipping through the in-flight magazine, trying to find what my options are for my free beverage and snack. But some idiot has ripped out the pages,a...

Do you ever get too big for your britches? I live a quiet, reserved little life, but there are moments when someone gives me a little free reign and for a while I am sky high.  Then I fly too close to the sun and I crash and burn. So last week I was helping my friend with a 5k race in Brooklyn, New York. What was my job you ask? My job was to get a few runners, well let’s just say 8,000 runners, pumped up before the start of the race. Now I am a very quiet and reserved person, so the idea of getting in front of a large crowd scared me to death. But I didn't want to let my friend down so I agreed to the task. When he handed me the microphone to start my “ pumping up ” extravaganza, I felt like I was going to have explosive diarrhea, and friends that wasn't going to help anyone get pumped up. Admittedly, since I grew up in the 90’s I fell back to what I heard VJ’s say on MTV. Such things as, “ You go girl ” and “ Gurl, you are workin’ that head band .” ...

So the last couple of weeks I have been teaching at a summer camp for kids called “theater school”. Yesterday, I had an experience that may have barred me, unintentionally, from theater school “for corrupting the minds of young children. So there I was, trying to maintain my class full of 10 year old girls, as I was trying to teach the blocking for the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked. You might be asking yourself, Robierto, why is a 38 year old man teaching 10 year old girls one of the most prissy and girly songs in all of musical theater?”  Oh friend, that is a great question. A question that has made me wonder what kind of a vibe I give off, for the director to think, " Do you know who be excellent at teaching little girls how to be prissy, girly-girls? Robierto. He would be great at that!" But there I was, trying to get their attention so I could give them some notes, because they were so excited to run their scene, again. In mind I wante...

So this weekend was my 20 year high school reunion.  An event that has filled me with anxiety lo’ these past few weeks. Let me describe to you how I perceived myself in high school. I never thought I was popular enough. I had a lot of acquaintances, but very few real friends. I worried every day of my high school career about who I was going to eat lunch with. I remember feeling insecure, wondering if I was a good enough student, if I was athletic enough, if I was talented enough. In short I just never felt like I was “enough”. But after 20 years I feel a lot better about myself. I have accomplished some pretty amazing things in the last 20 years. Currently, think I have more self confidence then I have ever had in my life. So why wouldn't I want to go to my 20 high school reunion? I am freakin’ awesome! (toe touch) So on my way to the reunion I was feeling really good about my self and my decision to attend, because after all I was no longer that insecure 18 years old bo...