Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Mall Lonely


Does going to the mall make you feel lonely?

I don’t know why but when I walk into the mall and I feel lonely. And not just lonely, but so lonely I feel the need to go sit in my car and listen to the “Carpenters” lonely.

Why is that?

I have been at the mall a lot lately trying to buy new pants to replace the ones that blew out the zipper in the “great weight gain debacle of 2011”, and I have pondered this question a lot and here is what I have come up with.

Reason 1
I lack fashion courage. Sometimes you need someone to say, “Hey you would look good in those skinny jeans” or “those skinny jeans make your butt look big”. Sometimes when I am shopping alone I don’t get that feedback, so I end up buying skinny jeans that possibly could be a little too skinny, if you know what I mean.

Reason 2
Sometimes I am way too tight with my money. If anything is over $20.00 or not on clearance I won’t even look twice at it. Sometimes you need someone to tell you, “Just go for it. You deserve a pair of skinny jeans, and a low V-neck t-shirt.

Reason 3
I never thought I would have to shop alone. In all those 80’s movies I used to watch, you always saw “populars” at the mall with all their friends buying white washed jeans and eating at Hotdog on a Stick. Even today, I see all the popular kids at the Buckle making fun of the nerds as the pass by and I think to myself, “I wish I had some friends so I could make fun of nerds.”

My biggest fear is that I have become that guy that the popular kids who shop at the Buckle laugh at. With my age inappropriate skinny jeans and my orange shoes I got on clearance from Wal-mart.

(Sigh) Sometimes I feel lonely at the mall.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Shopping of Pants


I hate buying pants. There I’ve said it. Any other article of clothing I feel pretty confident about buying…except shirts, socks, and shoes…but anything else, super confident about it.

Friends, my zipper blew out of my pants yesterday.  And when I say “blew out” I literally mean that, it went flying out of my pants and hit someone in the face.

It’s all because I have put on some weight because I have started drinking egg nog a little prematurely this year. It’s a topic I don’t want really want to talk about because it makes me depressed and drives me into the loving arms of egg nog all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

So anyway, I went to the mall yesterday hoping that I would find exactly what I was looking for, for under $20.00. Expectations a little too high? You betcha!

Can I ask a question? What is with skinny jeans, skinny dress pants, and plunging V-neck t-shirts that go to your belly button?

I don’t get it. They give me stress. How can anyone be comfortable in something so restrictive? It’s hard to say.

In my searching, once I did find a nice looking pair of pants it was either $500.00 or they didn’t have it in my size (I have come to accept that the pant size 34x34 is merely a myth, a legend. Frankly, I don’t think it really exists.)

So after going to every store in the mall I finally ended up in Eddie Bauer. Eddie is a good friend, we go way back and he is always good at having what I need in stock. He had the perfect pair of pants for me on the clearance rack for under $20.00.

Are the pants high waisted? Absolutely.
Do I have to cinch them with a belt so the will stay on? Darn straight.
Have I gotten some interesting looks when I go club hoppin' in my grandma pants? You better believe it.
I may look like an idiot on the outside, but I feel o' so comfortable within. And that's really what it's all about. 
Isn't it?