Showing posts from February, 2009

Let's Not Abuse Our Employees By Making Them Wear Ridiculous Outfits

I tell you what, there is one company who is not gonna be bossed into updating their uniforms to fit into modern day society. And that company is Hot Dog on a Stick.

Friends what is going on over there?

Every time I go to the mall and see those cute girls in those hideous outfits I have to ask who is making these girls dress this way. The three foot tall hat and those crazy stripes, what are we circus performers, go-go dancers, what? It’s hard to say.

Bless those girl’s hearts but those outfits just aren’t flattering to any figure. They seem to accentuate all the negatives and smother all the positives on the body. Polyester will do that to you, she is a harsh mistress.

It’s bad enough that they have to wear those outfits but then they add insult to injury by making them beat lemons for their “Freshly Squeezed Lemonade”.

I don’t know if you have had the rare occasion to see this little treat as you are striding through the mall but let me give you brief description of what they have these …

The Redbox

Oh, The Redbox, what a great invention. I appreciate the ease and affordability of this little machine that spits out movies for only a dollar day.

Last Friday I thought I would run to The Redbox and pick me up a movie. I just needed a night to myself to relax after a stressful week and to shut my brain off for an hour or two.

Isn’t interesting the people you see at the Redbox around 7:00 pm on a Friday night? You’ve got the mother surrounded with all her children trying to decide if she can sit through Kung Fu Panda one more time or if she should get a more adult flick so she can enjoy a movie for once.

The young couple who can’t keep their hands off each other. Whose idea of a fun date is to get something to eat at the Arbys and then grab a movie over ta’ the Redbox.

And then the older couple who would like to partake of the fruit of the Rebox but are unsure how to make the machine spit out their video choice. They ultimately resort to speaking their selection into the slot where the mo…

My Name is John Daker

You know how there are special videos that come along maybe twice in a lifetime that you must share with others. Well this little gem is one that I consider worthy for you viewing pleasure. It has changed me in ways that I cannot even express.

Here are a couple of things that are noteworthy to look for:

1-The sweet sister at the piano who I can't even understand (I think she may have a drinking problem or overly large dentures), probably lives in a small town and because she was once featured as a soloist in her community choir 50 years ago, feels qualified to teach voice lessons. And she thought it would be a fantastic idea to put her students recital on the local public access channel. Wise choice? You be the judge.

2- John Daker is one of her finest voice students but he is a little slow on the pick up. Notice he doesn't really get that the music has already started and yet he insists, like all good recital participants, to give his name missing his first note.

3-I am not sure …

The Cat Dance

Friends, I have never understood “cat people”. I mean, I don’t hate cats but I don’t think I could ever own one. To me cats have a little bit of an attitude. What’s the point of having an animal if they are indifferent to you?

I have known many a “cat person” in my life that has been scratched, bitten, and surprised attacked by their cats and yet they still love them and let them sleep on their face at night. What’s that all about?

Can you ever see a dog doing something like that? Dogs greet you at the door and want to make you happy. Honestly, can you see a cat going for a jog with you? Pulling you out of a burning building or car? And I don’t think a cat would even care if you were blind and you needed to be led to the bathroom. And don’t even get me started about the smell of kitty litter, I can’t even stomach it.

So you can imagine my delight when I discovered another side of “cat people” that has made me think, umm, maybe I have misjudged my fellow cat lovers, lo these many years. T…

Great Movies of 2008

It’s Oscar time and as such I have decided to make my first annual great movie list for 2008. In doing this I have to tell you that I haven’t seen a lot of the movies nominated for this year’s Oscars because they are full of trash and naked people. My list in no way reflects that of the Academy but are just good movies I have seen this year.

Fistful of Quarters- This little “gem” was not in theatres very long but it is worth seeing. It is a documentary about competitive arcade video gaming. It centers on two men who are competing for the world championship of, that’s right, “Donkey Kong Jr.”. Trust me when I say, these people will make you laugh and then cry at how pathetic their lives are.

Quantum of Solace- I don’t know who was in charge of re-tooling the James Bond franchise but let me thank them publicly for that. Remember how Mr. Bond seemed so outdated and cartoony before Daniel Craig came on the scene? Yeah, I do, and it was about as lame as watching Pierce Brosnan trying to sing…

Valentines Day Expectations

Valentines Day is a lot like News Years Eve. You have these unspoken expectations that never seemed to be met.

I think on Valentines Day in everyone’s mind they expect they will find the love of their life on the morning bus where they will bump into each other and immediately fall into a “heart to heart” conversation. Sharing their goals, taste in music, politics, and ethnic foods, and realize they have the exact tastes and opinions about everything.

After realizing how similar they both are, they would then get off the bus, and walk hand in hand to the local neighborhood park. Where surprisingly, there would be a wheat field. They would run across the wheat field, in slow motion mind you, and crash into each others arms, and land on a blanket.

Again, unexpectedly they would find a picnic laid out for them with cold chicken and Martinellis Sparkling Cider. They would giggle about how silly love is and fan each other and feed each other grapes until the sun started setting in the west.


Sound Proof Walls. . Bah

One of the big selling points when I bought my condo was the sound proof walls. That’s right friends; they told me that I would not be able to hear a peep from my neighbors. The contractor had layered the walls with concrete, foam, and for added sound protection, rolls of toilet paper. So I was pretty confident that I wouldn’t be able to hear my neighbors and they would not be able to hear me.

Sound proof walls were very important to me because after a long and stressful day at work, I like to turn on my stereo and just sing, sing loud and sing proud. I enjoy singing such hits as Debbie Gibson’s “Electric Youth” and AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck”. (Sometimes during “Thunderstruck” I like to throw a little tap dancing solo on my hard wood floors.) I didn’t worry about disturbing my neighbors because, again, I was pretty confident in the sound proofing of the walls.

So last night as I was lying in bed and I heard a sound coming from the wall I share with my neighbor. You can imagine my alarm whe…

Marley and Me

I wouldn’t characterize myself as a “crier”. My emotions don’t run really close to the surface but when I do get emotional it is because I feel something very deeply.

Sometimes when I read books I develop a deep love for the characters, in so much that I miss them when the book has ended. However, there are only special books that make me cry.

For example, remember in the last Harry Potter book when Harry realizes what he has to do to defeat Voldemort and he comes to accept it as his destiny, and all those who have passed away appear to him to give him the support he needs. Yeah, I cried.

Remember, at the end of “Lord of the Rings” when the journey ends and Sam says goodbye to Frodo as he leaves to the Grey Havens? I remember I felt so homesick for Middle Earth and all my hobbit friends that the night after I finished the book I cried in my bedroom wishing I could be with them again.

So last week my co-worker recommended that I read “Marley & Me”, because she knew I liked dogs. I tho…
I love going to Wal-mart. Everytime I am there I have such weird and random experiences.

Last night, as I was heading to the checkout register, a nice young man named Ryan told me that he could check me out. Fantastic, I thought, I am going to have an all to rare excellent customer service experience at Wal-mart all because of good Ryan. Bless his heart.

I noticed that he was a little nervous because he wouldn’t look me in the eyes, but he was really trying to be friendly and engaged me in conversation. I usually try to get my groceries and get the flip out of Wal-mart, but I felt like I would give him some slack seeing how he was trying so hard to be friendly.

He told me how his friend and he had tried to get into Denny’s to get their free Grand Slam breakfast. We laughed about those crazy people who waited in line for hours for that. I thought, “ Ya’ know this Ryan is alright. I am going to tell his Supervisor what a great job he is doing.

Then Ryan, feeling perhaps overly confident abo…

Gym Rats Beware

Do you ever go to the gym feeling like this is going to be the day that you rock your workout? You are so mentally prepared to push yourself to the absolute limit that nothing can stand in your way.

That is how I felt yesterday as I headed to the Daybreak Community Center. Admittedly, I don’t know the "ins" and "outs" of weight lifting or how to work most of the equipment that work your various muscles. However, yesterday I was going to throw caution to the wind and just push the gym rats and the flinty girls in leotards aside, and take my place in front of the mirrors with the serious weight lifters.

So I strutted into the weight area with my arms curved, so it looked like I was sporting some serious muscle on my “guns”.(That is gym talk for “arms”, for those who are gym-illiterate). I found that if you swivel your upper body as you walk, it makes you look really tough. (Hint: If you wear really tight spandex shorts and a really bulky hoody it makes your upper body …