Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Orange Hat

Oh friends I have such news! Remember like a year ago when I blogged about a man who used to ride trax with me into work and each day he would show up wearing an orange styrofoam novelty cowboy hat? Remember? Here is a link just in case you missed out on that choice entry.

I haven’t seen my cowboy friend for quite some time and I began to worry that perhaps he died of some sort of styrofoam related illness because, as we all know from jr. high health class, sweat + sun + Styrofoam = Cancer.

But guess what friends? We have had a sighting of my friend and I can report that he is doing well and is sporting the same orange Styrofoam novelty cowboy hat, albeit a little dilapidated from all that use and sun damage. But if you will notice he has pinned it up in front, like a old prospector, so he can see where he is going.

It brings my heart such joy to see him working that hat. I love it when people are not bound by the fashion sense of normal society.

Shine on you crazy diamond. Shine on!

The Lack of Cable

So last week I was sick. It was hard, but I pulled through.

But one of the great things of being sick is just lying down on the couch and watching some good day time TV. Am I right?

With that in mind, I refuse to buy cable because it is trash and full of naked people, well that, and I can’t afford it. So my TV watching consists mostly of whatever my antenna can pick up

I have made a list of the Highlights and Lowlights of my day time TV watching:


The Cosby Show: Friends I never tire of this little jem. I am always surprised how this show still holds up after all these years. I caught the episode where Rudy’s goldfish died. Hilarity ensued.

The Bonnie Hunt Show: I didn’t know she had her own show. But you Bonnie, you sweet sister are a delight!

The Wendy Williams Show: I don’t know who this chic is but she was dang funny. Check it.

Ellen: Bless this woman. Her show is the best. I never am home to partake of it’s goodness but she has it goin’on.


Court shows: What in the...what? Do we need to have 50 court shows on during the day? I think not.

Maury: Does Maury have to have paternity testing as the topic of every one of his shows with family members sleeping with each others husbands? Forgive me but it is too much.

Soap Operas: Seriously? I really miss that weird soap opera called “Passions” with those witches and that little person named Timmy. It was so bizarre, but provided a lot of great laughs.

Oh friends,(sigh) I miss cable.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence

So the other night I was flipping through the channels and landed on this sweet sister singing about her ferret. You heard me correctly, I said ferret. So without further adieu…

And then, you can imagine my shock when they continued on this theme. Listen to your feelings as you watch. Everything within me revolts…

What in the…What? OK, so I am not a ferret owner, so I may be speaking out of turn here, but aren’t ferrets wild animals? And as such, shouldn’t they be biting and scratching the crap out of these strange people?

I love animals just as much as the next guy but…seriously? Dressing up your ferret in hula gear and singing songs about them without a functional supportive undergarment (it’s called a brassiere sweet sister, how bout we strap one on for the sake of your ferret) rides a very fine line of crossing over into absolute insanity. Am I right?

I know there are a lonely people out there, and I would rather step on my tongue than to criticize others but, come on…GET A LIFE!

By the end of the program I am happy to report that while trying to “show” her ferret at a “Ferret Show” (And yes, they really exist. Think Westminster Dog Show only with ferrets.) One of the ferrets takes a chunk out of his owner’s nose. I think he had enough of forcibly submitting to cross dress, did you see the butterfly wigs, I mean who can blame him.

If you ever have an opportunity to happen upon this show on PBS you must stop everything to watch it. It is both terrifying and hilarious.

Monday, August 17, 2009

The Circle of Life

Remember that time when you were driving into work and the Disney classic “The Circle of Life” comes on? And from “Na si when ya, mama beach ama ba. Sica boom yema why” (this is purely phonetic spelling of course) something different comes over you, a special something that you never have experienced before. And all of a sudden, mid-freeway commute, you just start sobbing because even though they are speaking in some African language with clicks, and grunts you understand what they are singing about and it touches your soul in a deep and profound way.

But suddenly, mid-cry, you realize that you need to stop feeling this way because with tears in your eyes it magnifies everything and so your following distance becomes impaired, and little Geo Prizms start to look like semi-tracker trailers.

Has this every happened to you? It was so strange and caught me completely off guard. It must mean something but I am not sure what to make of it. Do I need to go to Africa and hold a baby lion to the sun? Or perhaps feel connected to the world around me by doing a better job at recycling and taking the bus to work?

More than likely it is an underlying desire to feel a part of something bigger than just me. It’s hard to form a “circle of life” with just you. Try it, it doesn’t work.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Demolition Derby

There are a couple of things in life that bring me back to my roots and truly make me feel like an American.

Whenever I hear “Call of the Common” by Aaron Copland, attend a rodeo, or sing “The Star Spangled Banner” I feel uniquely American and want to put my hand on my heart and do a hitch kick.

Over the weekend I found another little activity that is uniquely American and brought me back to my very basic human instincts. It is called the “Demolition Derby” and friends if you haven’t attended this little activity at your local fair, I have to ask, what are you waiting for?

I don’t know where all the people who attend the Demolition Derby hide on the off season, but they come out in full force come game day. You know the crowd, the woman who has a cigarette in one hand, and a new born baby in the other, wearing a Coors Light tube top. The men who wear cowboy hats, and have multiple piercings, and tribal band tatoos up and down their arms. So all night you are trying to place their affiliation. Are they cowboys, stoners, skaters, what? Pick a group and stick with it.

And the derby itself brings me to my very animalistic instincts of ramming my car into others. Don’t you ever feel like that on a Monday around 4:00 when traffic is at a stand still on the freeway? I dream of the day when it will be socially accepted to kick my car into first gear and ram cars until I can get to my exit. And seeing the ramming of cars at the Derby brings me hope that some day my dream of ramming into others will some day become a reality. (Let's all call our congressman and get a bill going today!)

The funny thing about the whole demolition derby is that if you win you become a mini star for the night. The girls sitting behind me kept stalking one of the drivers and even got their picture taken with him which I happily jumped into because I was a bit star struck myself.

So friends, the summer is almost over, and if you haven’t hit the Demolition Derby in your local area, you need to jump on it. Pull out that old tube top you have under your mattress and get your derby on.

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Security Experience

So when they asked me to do "security" at the new Temple by my house at 3:00 am this morning they acted a little put out when I arrived in my military fatigues and face paint.

Come on elders let's take this party up a notch.

An P.S., I don't think they should release you from your security assignment just because you fire warning shots with your paint ball gun to morning runners taking a short cut through the temple parking lot.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, is what I always say.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Singleness-ship

Ah, being single. Isn’t it funny how everyone around you feels sad for you because of your singleness-ship? Most people feel that every night you must go home to a lonely house filled with cats, fall upon your bed and cry yourselves to sleep every night.

Sure there are times that it gets lonely and you wish you had someone to spoon with, but for the most part, the majority of the “singles” I know live fairly normal and productive lives, well except that weird guy down the street who comes to church dressed as a Anakin Skywalker and refers to everyone as “Padawan (insert you name here)” in lo of the normal “brother” and “sister”.

So you can imagine that as a “single” I have heard some things from the “marrieds” that make me wonder how normal some of them are. Some of the things they say make me wonder how they ever got married in the first place with such poor social skills.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I know that most people mean well when they say things to those of use that are not married. But as a representative of all single people I ask that you think through your comments before you actually make them.

Here are some of my favorites that you “marrieds” just might want to take note of:

1-The Phantom Elbow Grabber- This one always catches me off guard. So I am sitting in a church meeting talking about, well let’s say, oh I don’t know, faith. Keep in mind I am not thinking about being single because, well, ya know the lesson is on faith. And then from out of the congregation an older women immerges and immediately cups the fleshy part of my elbow, leans into my ear and says, “It will happen someday”. And then she disappears just as she mysteriously as she arrived, never to be seen at church again. And you’re standing thinking, “What was that?”

Two things are going on here. Number one, don’t ever grab the fleshy part of someone’s elbow, it just is really uncomfortable and a little creepy to be honest.

Number two, if you are going to say, “It will happen someday” make sure you give a little context to the person as to what will happen someday. What will happen someday? Lunch, bowling on Wednesday, the end of the world, What? Spit it out women!

And if you must make comments like that, tell us why you feel impressed to share them instead of darting out of the room and out of our lives forever.

2-Blind Date Offers- Now friends, I know everyone means well when it comes to blind dating. I have had many offers to go on blind dates, but sometimes I have to question why the “marrieds” think we have anything in common with a potential blind date.

Just as a review, I might go out with someone because we have a similar personality, enjoy the same activities, or even have the same birth mark of the state of Florida on the small of our backs.

I get a lot of this from the “marrieds” as to the reason why they think I am a perfect match for their special friends: “You both have so much in common, you are both single”, or “you both have so much in common you are both tall”.

OK. So I have been to enough 50th wedding anniversaries’ to know that couples rarely attribute the longevity of their marriage to their similar height ratio. I could be wrong but I think there is a little bit more to having common interests than just that.

So again, not to harp on my good married brothers and sisters, but let’s just think through some of our statements to our single friends. We would appreciate it and we won’t have to toilet paper you house.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Recreational Wedding

So here’s something so random that happened to me last night.

I was doing my hour on the stationary bike at the Daybreak Recreation Center last night (Let’s never do that again. Friends, when you ride a bike let it never be stationary. I am not sure I will be able to have children after that uncomfortable seat experience.) when to my left I saw what appeared to be a women dressed in full-on wedding gear. The dress, the veil, the little flower girl in front of her, yep it was all there.

I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but sure enough when I heard the wedding march music it was confirmed. This sweet sister was getting married at the Daybreak Recreation Center.

I thought surely she wasn’t getting married in the room right next to the spinning and kenpo karate class where her wedding ceremony would only be separated by a sliding plastic partition.

I don’t know about you, but during my wedding ceremony I would not want to hear from the adjoining rooms, “COME ON PEOPLE GET YOUR BUTTS OFF THE SEATS. PUSH IT” or “SWEEP HIS LEGS JOHNNY, SWEEP HIS LEGS”.

I may be a bit old fashion but I don’t know if hearing those types of comments and having a whole row of people on star steppers witnessing your vows, can give you a lot of hope that your marriage is going to last past the Daybreak Recreation Center Soccer Season (Which is from August – October, Fun for all age groups, Games only on Saturday.)

I am just saying.