Monday, June 8, 2015

The "I Don't Have Time to Do Fun Things, Because I am Doing Amazing Things with My Time" Friend.

So I invited a friend of mine to attend a movie this weekend.

His response, "Oh I wish I could, but I have so many things going on. I am working on my Masters degree, during the day,  home schooling my children in the afternoon, and then our family knits bandages for Bosnian refugees in the evening."

And this is my favorite part..."You are so lucky you have so much free time on your hands that you can go do things, like go to the movies."

Which, if you really think about it, is a back handed way of saying, "The things I am focusing on are so much more important, then what you are focusing on in life."

Um...OK.

Obviously, my friend hasn't seen the movie trailer for "Jurassic World" because, friends if he had, he would put down his knitting and realize that the greatest issue that requires our time and attention today, is the issue of genetically enhanced dinosaurs threatening our way of life in the United States...or Isla Nublar...which is part of Costa Rica...which rhymes with Puerto Rico, which is a part of the United States...and that spells Trouble. With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for "PTERODACTYL".

I mean, you talk about issues that need addressing, how about "The Great Dinosaur Infestation of 2015". I don't feel like we can stand idly by, while our dear friend Chris Pratt battles to keep our borders safe from man eating dinosaurs. I can't...I won't.

And besides friend, if the dinosaurs do attack, there won't be many Bosnians left TO bandage, I can tell you that right now.

Man, my friends priorities are so messed up.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Phlebotimist Blind Date Request

So here is something that happened to me last Saturday that has troubled me lo these many days.

I went to go give blood as I am oft to do, because I am an amazing person who gives of himself. As part of the screening process, as you may know, you are required to go into a tiny room, well more like a closet, to go through a very rigorous screening process and answer some very personal questions.

So there I was, sitting literally knee to knee with this phlebotimist, trying to make awkward small talk about things like, oh I don't, how uncomfortable I am with being in tiny spaces with complete strangers, when I let slip that I was "single". Now, I am convinced no one should reveal among those who are married, because when that little nugget of information is out there friends, you know a blind date invitation will soon follow. Am I right?

As predicted, she put down her stethoscope and blood pressure cuff, and said, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure", I said, knowing what her next question was going to be.

"Can I set you up with my sister?"

Now, let me press pause here friends. Don't you think that is totally weird? I mean this women doesn't even know me. For all she knows, I could be smuggling pandas illegally in the country or have a dangerous addiction to crunchy Cheetos, she doesn't know

I mean, what does this women really know about me? Sure, she may know my sexual history, where I have traveled in the last 3-6 years, if I have been to jail in the last 12 months, had a tattoo or piercing, what medications I am currently taking, and my blood pressure...OK...that is...that is actually some good information to have about someone. Even still...

It is one thing when friends and family members try to set you up, but I will be darned if I will allow my phlebotimist to be one of those people.

Needless to say, I turned her down cold, which resulted in a very painful blood draw. Never make a person with a needle angry. Can you even draw blood through someones forehead? It's hard to say really.

Any way, people are getting pretty sloppy with their set ups.
Let's tighten that up people.
Tighten it up.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

The Movie Peer Pressure

A movie came out recently that had everyone talking.

"The special effects are amazing!"
"That movie had me on the edge of my seat for all 15 hours."
"I laughed, I cried, It cured my gingivitis!"

I won't tell you the name of the movie, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling who really liked it, but it starts with and "I" and rhymes with "Mintersteller".

A group of my friends took me to this movie and we are all excited because, as I said before, the buzz about this movie was off the charts. So my expectation was that I was really going to love this movie.

So 15 hours later, the lights came up and here were my thoughts:

"Wait..I don't get it. Do he go back to space? Wait. What? I don't understand. Am I stupid? Why is everyone in the movie running on different times? Dangit I knew I should have taken AP Physics? I don't get it! This movie is super confusing."

Needless to say, I didn't like this movie. In fact I HATED it. It was just a tad big for it's britches and more importantly...it made me feel  like an idiot. How dare they keep throwing all this science at me? And nobody, I mean no body, puts Robierto in a corner by making him think too hard in movie. Who am I Albert Eise..Eckert or...you know who I mean.

But all my my friends, one of whom was crying like baby, where saying things like:

"Wasn't that movie amazing? What a powerful message about love and space."
"Does anyone have a tissue? I just can't stop crying. It was just so beautiful." 
"Wasn't that Patthew PcConaughy (the name has been changed)such an amazing actor? I didn't think he could keep his shirt on for entire movie, but he did it...he did it."
"Was that movie 15 hours? Wow, the time just flew by."

And then they turned to me, "Robierto, what did you think?"

Now this is a delicate situation friends, which requires some judgement. Do I tell my friends I hated it because I was too stupid to understand most of it, or do I tell them I loved it, and have them continue thinking that I am a pretty awesome person?

My response?

"That movie was awesome. I love the part about the science...and space. One the best movies of the year!"

Friends, I may be stupid...but I ain't that stupid.
Social standing always trumps intellectual standing...always.