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Showing posts from 2009

The Year End

Here are some cool things that I learned in 2009:Doing an Olympic Triathlon without training is not as fun as you might imagine. Doing a 5K dressed as Santa is…priceless.Reading “Percy Jackson” “The Hunger Games”and “The Road” have brought back my love for reading. I find young adult fiction is just about my speed now days.I found that performing in “Savior of the World” as the angel Gabriel at the Conference Center is the best way to spend the holidays.Taking voice lessons by a qualified teacher instead of trying to learn from Lady Gaga music videos makes a huge difference.Buying my clothes at Wal-mart instead of Eddie Bauer has taken some getting used to but I have found the difference is negligible. Exploited children in China make a pretty good shirt and pant combo.Movies like “Up” “Star Trek” and “The Proposal” make me happy to pay $8.00 for a movie ticket. Movies like “Transformers 2”, “GI Joe”, and “Wolverine”…not so much.I found that living alone can be…ya know…lonely. But I h…

The Nice Guy

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So I am really sensitive about others feelings, maybe to a fault. Yesterday, I went to give blood. It’s true. I don’t really love the pain but I do love the treats they give you after. Usually I fain dizziness and they let me stay there for like two hours where I proceed to eat my weight in chips, candy, and V8 Juice.So I was lying there ready for that two inch needle to suckle at my ample vein, when my phlebotomist, Trish, came over and discussed what was going to happen.With my super power of over sensitivity, I deduced that Trish was very nervous and perhaps this might be the first time that she has ever drawn blood from an actual human being.So being the nice person that I am, I thought I would "kill her with kindness" and make this a glorious experience for her to calm her nerves and make her feel like a superstar.So she stuck the needle in my arm, and friends, oh the pain. She might as well have been pouring lemon juice into a paper cut with the burning and stinging I …

The Christmas Minimalist

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When it comes to Christmas I have always been a minimalist. I don't put up a tree, I don't hang up lights, and I hate shopping. But I must confess that I love Christmas and the feeling of it.
I love watching old out dated Christmas cartoons on TV. My favorite is "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". I love the message of it, that Christmas doesn't come from a store, perhaps thought the Grinch, perhaps Christmas means a little bit more. So true.
In church on Sunday we had our Christmas program, and mid-Silent Night I was so touched with the words "All is calm all is bright" that I started "ugly crying" in front of the whole congregation. But I didn't feel too bad because my fellow bass started "gasping crying" so I was in good company.
It seems that our neighborhood has had more than it's fair share of troubles this year, but the message of Silent Night, that because of our Savior and his atonement, that really all can be calm and …

The Osmond Family Christmas

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Do you ever forget how much you like a certain album? And then one day you are looking through your CD’s and you rediscover it and you listen to it over and over again?Would you like to know what Christmas Album I recently pulled out and have quite enjoyed for the last two days? The Osmond Family Christmas. Friends if you don’t own this album you need to find it today, because it will change your life. Seriously why are you still reading this and not running to your car to track it down?My parents raised us on the classics, mainly, The Sound of Music, Hank Williams, Frankie Lane, Anne Murray, and Barbra Streisand. I think those really where the only albums we owned and I think we melted them from overuse.But when Christmas rolled around it was the Osmond Family that kept us going through the holiday season. Now traditionally I am not a huge fan of the Osmonds, but man, they put out a kickin’ Christmas album. And all of them are on there, from Donny and Marie to good little Jimmy.So at…

The Incredible Exploding Egg

Do you ever start out your morning by saying, “Rob you’re a genius!”That is how I began my morning today. It is rare that I start the day this way but friends I was feeling incredibly inventive.I have been really busy lately because of work and I am also in a play at night so finding time to eat has been a bit of a problem.So this morning I woke up early and said I am going to make some hard boiled eggs so that I can just pop them in my mouth while I am on the go. It is good protein and I can gag them down with water.Let me pause here to say I don’t love eggs. I eat them for the protein but I usually have to plug my nose and shimmy them down. Sometimes eggs trigger my gag reflex which is really embarrassing for how many times I have ordered eggs on a date.I was running low on time so I thought why not just boil them in the microwave? Again, Rob Abney you are genius.So after about, oh, I don’t know, eight minutes basking in my own greatness, the explosions started.I am not talking abou…

The Sharing of the Hymnal

Do you ever offer to share your hymn book with the person next to you at church and they don’t hold their half of the hymnal? It really is frustrating because you are forced to take the full weight of the book (which, let’s be honest, those hymnals are not light) with your one hand.By the time you are half way through the song your thumb starts burning and your whole hand starts to get the “shakes”.You think the person next to you will get a clue that you might need some assistance because the unsteadiness of your hand gets bobbing and weaving the hymnal all over the place. But for whatever reason your neighbor's head is bobbing and weaving right along with your hymnal.By this point, your muscle spasms have increased to the point that you might as well be reading the hymnal on a roller coaster than to be able to see it clearly in your pew.By the fourth verse you are telepathically screaming at your neighbor to please just take the other side of the hymnal. I mean, isn’t that why w…

The Bathroom Noise

Do you ever go to someone’s house for a visit or party and feel the need to freshen up? And once you close the door to their bathroom, which is located right next to their living room by the way, you become acutely aware of the inadequate sound barrier within their bathroom chamber.You begin to worry about what the guests outside might hear as you are in the bathroom. And to compound your problems you may have had some bad Indian food for lunch.And all of a sudden you become supremely self conscious of every sound you make in the bathroom. Even to the point where you start sweating and doing irrational things like running the tap water as you do your business, or stuffing toilet paper underneath the door to create a more effective sound barrier.This thinking is completely irrational because we all make noise in there. Am I right? So why all this sensitivity?I bring this up because yesterday I had this experience and I think at one point I was trying to “shush” the toilet as I flushed.…

The Helpful Response

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Do you ever go to Sunday School and the teacher asks a question and after there is a very loud silence that permeates the room? All eyes are cast to the floor as if there is a fear to make their sentiments known concerning their gospel knowledge.The awkward silence seems to last for ages and still no one in the class budges or even makes an attempt to answer the question. Now why should that be?I feel so sorry for the teacher because he starts sweating and pleading with his eyes for anyone to raise their hand to move his little lesson along.So naturally, being the generous soul that I am, I raise my hand and start in on an amazing comment.But as I start to talk I get a little carried away with how great I am and kind of lose what his question is really about. So I talk a little about faith, and then merge over to repentance, then bounce some controversial facts about caffeine in Barqs Root Beer in there. And so I continue for what seems to be several minutes. I want to stop but I cou…

The Nog

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Friends it’s Egg Nog time!It’s officially November and as such it is now open season to buy and drink Egg Nog. I must confess I already started drinking it in October. I am not proud of it but the rich deliciousness helped me get through a very difficult time. Sure I am ten pounds heavier, but as my friend Sheryl Crow has said, “if it makes you happy it can’t be that bad.” Words to live by Sher-bear, words to live by.Now, I have recently heard some very negative things concerning the goodness of Egg Nog. This is troubling to me because what is more American than Egg Nog? I am, I am,..I am.First off, some people complain that Egg Nog is too fattening. Too fattening? Woman please!I think the problem is that people are thinking they can drink Egg Nog like they would drink a Big Gulp. Oh sweet na├»ve friends, no, that is not how we drink our Egg Nog. You have to drink it in small portions. I would recommend purchasing a shot glass from your favorite bar or tourist attraction to help in you…

The Extra Hour of Sleep

I know I write the same blog every six months but …Really? Day light saving again? I just barely got my sleeping pattern regulated and here we go again changing the time around. What in the Sam are we doing people?I am so angry that we are trying to fiddle around with nature’s timing mechanism, the sun. If Mother Nature wanted us to screw around with time she wouldn’t have invented the sun dial. But friends she didn’t. Why we feel like we have to mess around with a good thing I will never know.Sure people tell you we get an extra hour of sleep, but seriously that is only for the first night. They rest of the week your body is freaking out because it doesn’t really understand what you are doing and you end of being more tired with your supposed “extra hour of sleep”.I am done with this messed up system. I am not doing it this year. I am keeping my old sleeping schedule. I am in bed at 9:00 pm and waking up at 5:00 am that way my sleeping schedule goes uninterrupted. Sure I am going to …

Book Trailer Debut

So friends, I very reluctantly post this video, not to show you how great I am (although I am quit fantastic), but to confess something that I may regret in the future.

One of my readers found this on YouTube and so I feel a need to come clean with a confession of sorts.

When I moved to SL to start my acting career I was discovered at the Gap, where I would often go to look at the pima wool sweaters that I could never afford, but loved to try on.
Well one day, whast I was eating a Hotdog on a Stick and dreaming of owning my very own pima wool sweater, a young women approached me and said I had a face that could be very succesful in the world of book trailers.
That's right book trailers. It's like a move trailer, only with books.
I knew that book trailer studios system was not the most glamorous industry and had a reputation for being loose and tawdry. But I was naive and hungry, and most of all I really needed a pima wool sweater from the Gap. So I decided to do it.
Now the book …

The You Tube tutorial

So I sometimes I go to singles dances and I never feel satisfied with my dancing skills. I blame most of my "singleness-hood" to my awkwardness on the dance floor.

It is not that I am without rhythm, because friends I can really swing it, it's just that my dancing consists of a lot of flailing of my arms and legs. And when I don't know what to do I revert back to the "the running man". You can never go wrong doing the "running man".

So I went to YouTube to see what kind of dancing instruction I could find, and luckily I found this little diddy.

I performed this at the last stake singles dance and it was powerful. Sure there were some slight concussions because of the low ceiling, and I did drop a few people, but I did get some "digits" after it was all said and done.

The Danger of Driving and Watching Videos

Remember that time was I driving home late one night and the SUV in front of me was showing “Monster Inc.”? A timely tale of the love between a young girl and sad monster who is searching for something more in his life that can only be filled by the laughter of a small girl named Boo. I can’t talk about it without breaking up inside. Give me second…ok I’m back.So there I am driving and enjoying the movie, of course I can’t hear the movie at all but I know it well enough to do the different voices, and laugh when the moment warrant. So we finally we got to the end of the movie when Boo is looking for Sully in her closet and can’t find him and I’m bawling and can’t find a Kleenex. So I am searching for something to wipe my tears with, and all I could find was a receipt from Wal-Mart. When suddenly, and without warning I saw a two bright red lights distracting me from my search of some two-ply anything. I don’t remember this part in the movie, I thought to myself.Then I realize it was th…

The Light Up Letters

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Remember when you used to watch Wheel of Fortune? And you saw how essential Vanna White’s job was, turning those cinder block sized letters wrapped in gold tinfoil. How were we to solve the puzzle if she wasn’t there to unveil the letters for us? She really had an important job.However, if you have caught Wheel of Fortune lately you will notice that they have done away with the whole spinning tin foil blocks that Vanna had to turn in the past. They now have screens that just show the letters instantaneously. Vanna now touches the screen and the letters appear. My question is this…do you think Vanna has any idea that her job is obsolete? I mean in this day and age, where technology pretty much does everything, I don’t know that we need Vanna as much as we needed her 20 years ago. Am I right?And let’s be honest,Vanna is no spring chicken. All that walking back and forth, reaching up and down in high heels can’t be good for her circulation or back. Vanna you should be enjoying these gold…

The Meet and Greet

So I have this neighbor and every now and again we are at the mailboxes at the same time. So I thought I would be neighborly and say “hello”. Well as I said “hello” he didn’t even look at me and just passed on by. “That’s strange.”, I thought.I let it go because he is an older man and I thought didn’t hear me. No big deal.So the next time I passed him on the side walk and I looked directly in his eyes, and in a elevated tone said, “How’s it going?”Nothing. No smile. No acknowledgement. He just kept moving on down the side walk. So earlier this week I passed him again on the sidewalk and noticed he had on a missionary tag from my church. So I thought maybe he is from another country and doesn’t speak the english too good. Fine, I could deal with the language barrier. So I waved furiously and stooped down to his eye level, hoping to get some sort of friendly nod. (FYI.Squatting, walking, and waving. Not a good look for a man).Again nothing.So now I am really angry at this guy, because I…

The Hair Growing Miracle

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Have you seen the commercial with Brooke Shields advertising this medicine called Latisse that can help you grow thicker, darker eyelashes? I have to admit that I am intrigued with such a product’s claims. Thicker hair that grows out of no where? Fantastic!But I must say, shouldn’t we be marketing this product to consumers who may need this much more then females?How about balding males? If we have a product that makes hair out of nothing at all (shout out to Air Supply) why aren’t we marketing this to balding men? Much like we do with ED (erectile dysfunction) medication at all hours of the day and night (Which, if I may say, have gotten a little out of control, haven’t they. If was funny at first but…not so much now.)I know men who would give their left leg for a product that would promise them hair growth.Sure, the hair would be course and stick straight up in the air. And yes, your hair would probably be darker then your normal hair color so it would be splotchy at best. But who c…

The Grocery Ascent

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Do you ever go to Wal-Mart and buy 25 items and then for some reason the cashier puts all 25 items in separate bags instead of consolidating your items like you wish he would?And you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “Hey I live on the third floor pal. How am I supposed to haul all these bags up three flights of stairs in one trip? Friendly Wal-Mart employee, Jeff I believe you name is, just cram it all in there. Smash my bread, bruise my apples, and even crack some of my eggs if you must, but I just want 2-4 bags to carry up my stairs."Usually when I get home with all my bags I open my truck and just stare hopelessly into it, thinking, “How in the world am I going to manage this in one trip?” Mentally is just makes me so tiredWell they say necessity is the mother of invention, so very slowly I start putting bags around my elbows, wrapping bags around my neck, and strapping on as many bags as will fit in my hands. On a good day I can balance a turkey or a gallon of milk betw…

The Newdorff Sisters

This video is brought to you by the blog, Oinkle Doinkle (One of the funniest blogs that I have ever encountered. Check it out)So there are some things that make me love this video.1-Oh Sweet preacher lady, Merry, Blessed, Happy Christmas…um, pretty much the exact same thing. Just saying.2-Check out the great cinematography happening in this video. I love the zoom in, tight focus on the plant and then out to Henrietta and Myrna, and then the zoom back into the plant. Two words: Power, Full.3-Now friends “Go Tell It on the Mountain” is one of my favorite revival songs of praise and remembrance. It takes a special someone to pull it off because it requires both a powerful voice and a lot soul power, if you know what I talking about. Henerietta and Myrna Newdorff’s vocal stylings I have not seen the likes of since Mr. John Dakers. (Which if you haven’t seen friends is worth a watch. Sometimes when I am feeling blue I watch him multiple times a day.)

I love this video because don’t you fee…

The Wal-Mart Greeter

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I always feel bad for the Wal-mart greeters, don’t you? Whenever I go to the Wal-Mart, I always think to myself, “How does one get to the point in their life were "Wal-mart Greeter" becomes a viable option of employment?” Don't get me wrong friends I am happy they are working, but…a greeter? Really?When I express my concern about my friends, the greeters, people say that they must enjoy it because they are retired and it gives them something to do everyday. But surely there must be other places where our “baby boomers” can find some sense of value.At my Wal-Mart my greeter is a retired gentleman who greets me with a high five and then has a cart ready for me when I walked in. It seems a bit much for me. My spirit is already crushed that I have to shop at the Wal-mart, giving me the “Top Gun, One Up, One Down” doesn't do much to embolden my spirit. But I appreciated the effort any who.But as I walked away I felt sad for him. Like I needed to hold him for a minute and …

The Elder's Quorum Lesson

So one of the things I dread in life is teaching Elder’s Quorum at church. I love to teach Sunday School and could do that all day every day, but those Elders are a tough crowd to teach to.It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that the guys just give up once they get to Elders Quorum. They don’t want to answer any questions, or volunteer to read. They just want to sit there for an hour until church gets out.So here was me yesterday teaching, “OK Friends, so who can tell me what Charity is?”(The distant sound of crickets chirping)Now, I am not afraid of silence and I am a believer in letting people ponder the question before they respond, but after ten minutes of very loud silence it’s time for someone to say “uncle”. It’s like a silent competition to see who will cave first. Will the teacher answer his own question or will the elders finally have the courage to speak up? It’s hard to say who ultimately wins this battle in the endYesterday, it seemed that I had to answer the majority o…

The Google

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Remember that time when you Googled you new co-worker and found out about a lot of cool and interesting things they had done at their last job? Remember how you told yourself that you would never bring those things up to them in conversation, because how creepy would that be if they found out you had Googled them?Do you also remember that time when you accidentally slipped and mentioned the cool and interesting things that they had done at their last job that you found on Google while talking to them?And recall if you will, your co-worker’s shock when he asked you how you had found out about the cool and interesting things they had done at their last job.Remember how embarrassed you were that you were found out? So you said you had to go to the bathroom, but you really jumped in your car, drove all the way home and locked yourself in the closet and collapsed in the fetal position, where you rocked and cried yourself to sleep?Remember how you never want to run into that person ever aga…

The Angry Meeting

So I just got a new calling at church, and as such have been thrust into being social and going to many meetings. Honestly people, I am more comfortable sitting in the back making fun of bad musical numbers. Don’t get me wrong friends, I love serving at church and interacting with amazing people. Although, I am having a hard time believing that we need to have so many meetings. And I have hard time believing that when we do hold meetings that they really need to take two hours a shot. Really? Two hours?Last night I attended a two hour meeting that could have been accomplished in one. Keep in mind I loved the topic we were discussing, I believe it is a true principle and should be included in all our lives. However, half way through the meeting I was tempted to stand and say to the speaker, “Good friend, I love you like a brother…but get to the freakin’ point!”To compound matters the two people who I serve with in my calling are just sooo good, and are about ready to be sucked right up…

The Random Thoughts Email

Friends, someone just emailed me these little gems. I seem to relate really well to all of them, and perhaps you may aswell.
I have bolded the ones that apply directly to how I think.

Random Thoughts of the Day:
Was learning cursive really necessary?I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I canthink about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again…

The Higher Power

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Do you ever run into you house after an uncomfortable ride home, throwing your keys and everything else in a trail behind as you need to hit the bathroom stat?You find your seat and realize to your horror that there is no hygenic paper on the roll. And not only that, but after digging through your trash, you can't find anything that could possibly even substitute for hygienic paper.So now you are in a bit of a bind because…what do you do? But you realize you haven’t really let anything go yet, and so it is possible you could probably just travel to another local where the hygienic paper abounds and is open to the public.So in times of trouble I usually turn to a higher power and this was no exception.As I sat pondering on what to do, I looked out my window. And as I looked heavenward I saw a steeple right next to my house. I felt it was a sign, so I ever so gentlely bolted out of the door.Running down the street like a speed walker, I made it just in time to push some boy scouts o…

The Orange Hat

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Oh friends I have such news! Remember like a year ago when I blogged about a man who used to ride trax with me into work and each day he would show up wearing an orange styrofoam novelty cowboy hat? Remember? Here is a link just in case you missed out on that choice entry.I haven’t seen my cowboy friend for quite some time and I began to worry that perhaps he died of some sort of styrofoam related illness because, as we all know from jr. high health class, sweat + sun + Styrofoam = Cancer.But guess what friends? We have had a sighting of my friend and I can report that he is doing well and is sporting the same orange Styrofoam novelty cowboy hat, albeit a little dilapidated from all that use and sun damage. But if you will notice he has pinned it up in front, like a old prospector, so he can see where he is going.It brings my heart such joy to see him working that hat. I love it when people are not bound by the fashion sense of normal society.Shine on you crazy diamond. Shine on!

The Lack of Cable

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So last week I was sick. It was hard, but I pulled through. But one of the great things of being sick is just lying down on the couch and watching some good day time TV. Am I right? With that in mind, I refuse to buy cable because it is trash and full of naked people, well that, and I can’t afford it. So my TV watching consists mostly of whatever my antenna can pick up I have made a list of the Highlights and Lowlights of my day time TV watching:Highlights:The Cosby Show: Friends I never tire of this little jem. I am always surprised how this show still holds up after all these years. I caught the episode where Rudy’s goldfish died. Hilarity ensued.The Bonnie Hunt Show: I didn’t know she had her own show. But you Bonnie, you sweet sister are a delight!The Wendy Williams Show: I don’t know who this chic is but she was dang funny. Check it.Ellen: Bless this woman. Her show is the best. I never am home to partake of it’s goodness but she has it goin’on.Lowlights:Court shows: What in the.…

Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence

So the other night I was flipping through the channels and landed on this sweet sister singing about her ferret. You heard me correctly, I said ferret. So without further adieu…
And then, you can imagine my shock when they continued on this theme. Listen to your feelings as you watch. Everything within me revolts…
What in the…What? OK, so I am not a ferret owner, so I may be speaking out of turn here, but aren’t ferrets wild animals? And as such, shouldn’t they be biting and scratching the crap out of these strange people?I love animals just as much as the next guy but…seriously? Dressing up your ferret in hula gear and singing songs about them without a functional supportive undergarment (it’s called a brassiere sweet sister, how bout we strap one on for the sake of your ferret) rides a very fine line of crossing over into absolute insanity. Am I right?I know there are a lonely people out there, and I would rather step on my tongue than to criticize others but, come on…GET A LIFE!By th…

The Circle of Life

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Remember that time when you were driving into work and the Disney classic “The Circle of Life” comes on? And from “Na si when ya, mama beach ama ba. Sica boom yema why” (this is purely phonetic spelling of course) something different comes over you, a special something that you never have experienced before. And all of a sudden, mid-freeway commute, you just start sobbing because even though they are speaking in some African language with clicks, and grunts you understand what they are singing about and it touches your soul in a deep and profound way.

But suddenly, mid-cry, you realize that you need to stop feeling this way because with tears in your eyes it magnifies everything and so your following distance becomes impaired, and little Geo Prizms start to look like semi-tracker trailers.

Has this every happened to you? It was so strange and caught me completely off guard. It must mean something but I am not sure what to make of it. Do I need to go to Africa and hold a baby lion to th…

The Demolition Derby

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There are a couple of things in life that bring me back to my roots and truly make me feel like an American. Whenever I hear “Call of the Common” by Aaron Copland, attend a rodeo, or sing “The Star Spangled Banner” I feel uniquely American and want to put my hand on my heart and do a hitch kick.Over the weekend I found another little activity that is uniquely American and brought me back to my very basic human instincts. It is called the “Demolition Derby” and friends if you haven’t attended this little activity at your local fair, I have to ask, what are you waiting for?I don’t know where all the people who attend the Demolition Derby hide on the off season, but they come out in full force come game day. You know the crowd, the woman who has a cigarette in one hand, and a new born baby in the other, wearing a Coors Light tube top. The men who wear cowboy hats, and have multiple piercings, and tribal band tatoos up and down their arms. So all night you are trying to place their affili…

The Security Experience

So when they asked me to do "security" at the new Temple by my house at 3:00 am this morning they acted a little put out when I arrived in my military fatigues and face paint.
Come on elders let's take this party up a notch.
An P.S., I don't think they should release you from your security assignment just because you fire warning shots with your paint ball gun to morning runners taking a short cut through the temple parking lot.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, is what I always say.

The Singleness-ship

Ah, being single. Isn’t it funny how everyone around you feels sad for you because of your singleness-ship? Most people feel that every night you must go home to a lonely house filled with cats, fall upon your bed and cry yourselves to sleep every night.

Sure there are times that it gets lonely and you wish you had someone to spoon with, but for the most part, the majority of the “singles” I know live fairly normal and productive lives, well except that weird guy down the street who comes to church dressed as a Anakin Skywalker and refers to everyone as “Padawan (insert you name here)” in lo of the normal “brother” and “sister”.

So you can imagine that as a “single” I have heard some things from the “marrieds” that make me wonder how normal some of them are. Some of the things they say make me wonder how they ever got married in the first place with such poor social skills.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I know that most people mean well when they say things to those of use that are not mar…

The Recreational Wedding

So here’s something so random that happened to me last night.

I was doing my hour on the stationary bike at the Daybreak Recreation Center last night (Let’s never do that again. Friends, when you ride a bike let it never be stationary. I am not sure I will be able to have children after that uncomfortable seat experience.) when to my left I saw what appeared to be a women dressed in full-on wedding gear. The dress, the veil, the little flower girl in front of her, yep it was all there.

I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but sure enough when I heard the wedding march music it was confirmed. This sweet sister was getting married at the Daybreak Recreation Center.

I thought surely she wasn’t getting married in the room right next to the spinning and kenpo karate class where her wedding ceremony would only be separated by a sliding plastic partition.

I don’t know about you, but during my wedding ceremony I would not want to hear from the adjoining rooms, “COME ON PEOPLE GET YOUR BUT…

The Hole Toilet

So I went up the canyon with some friends and had to go and use the facilities. And as I was walking towards what I thought was a bathroom, I was stopped by a very strong, not so pleasant odor. And then I realized that I wasn’t heading to a toilet at all, but a hole in the ground with a seat on top.

Now for those of you who have never been to one of these little treats in the forest, let me just say, it takes some preparation both mentally and spiritually before you go walking in.
(Sometimes I like to say a little prayer before I enter the "shanty toilet" because, and let’s be honest, when we finally die and see what hell is like it I am pretty sure it will be a tiny shanty with a “hole toilet”. If you don’t believe me friends, you lift up the toilet, stare down into that hole. If that’s not Hell ladies and gentlemen I don’t know what is.)

So I am standing outside the door taking in some deep breaths and doing some self talk, saying things like, “Rob, you are capable of doing t…

The Swimming Incident

Remember that time when I signed up to do a triathlon and failed to realize how much training it would entail to accomplish this goal without dying?Last night I went to the pool to swim what seemed like, oh I don’t know like 1000 laps. I came walking out of the locker room in my speedo (not the underwear kind but the modest to the knee number. I am not quite ready to show that much leg at the pool.), swim cap, and aerodynamic goggles, so naturally everyone expects great things from me because I look like, ya know, a professional swimmer. I appear, to the untrained eye, something like a balding, not as fit, Michael Phelps cutting through the water at amazing rates of speed.I dive in, swim my first lap and just feel great. The water felt cool in the hot summer sun and I seemed to be gliding through the water like a dolphin swabbed with baby oil. And then the burning started.After I did a flip turn I realized that my arms lack the muscle strenth to propel me through the water, my lungs w…

Possesive Pronouns

Do you ever have conversations with people and they refer to their parents like they are your parents and you all belong to the same family? I don’t know how to explain it but it happened to me today and I thought it very odd.

For example the person said something like this: “So I went with mom to the store”, “I stopped by mom and dads to help them mow their lawn.”

Why don’t they just say “So I went with my mom to the store.” or “I stopped by my parents to help them mow their lawn.”?

Is that weird to any one else? It presupposes a closeness that I want to distance myself from. That possessive pronoun is really important to me; let us not cast it off so casually.

The Shopping Crash

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Do you ever start your day off feeling great about life and the world around you, and then go to Wal-mart and within 20 minutes of shopping you become so impatient with people that you want to burn shopping carts and throw cheese samples at everyone?

It’s seems that every time I go to Wal-mart people seem to lose all sense of balance and direction. I don’t know if some how there is some weird magnetic phenomena that makes my fellow shoppers lose all sense of their depth perception, you know kind of like the Bermuda Triangle affect, but people seem to be bumping into me and other stationary objects at a rate that seems why beyond the normal average for this part of the country.

When I asked my sister if she had a similar problem at her neighborhood Wal-mart she said she did and felt is was because, and I quote, “The devil resides in Wal-mart, that is why we all feel like crap when we leave”. After my experience last night I am beginning to believe that she is right.

Last night as I was s…

The Pocket Knife

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Remember when you were a boy scout and they drummed into your brain that you should always carry a pocket knife with you at all times, just in case you had to hollow out a canoe, or kill a grizzly bear on your way home from work?

In all my years of carrying my tiny pocket knife on my key chain my only occasion to use it has been to cut those pesky threads that stick out from my ties, and trim painful hangnails that seem to snag on everything. In the moment my hangnails do seem life threatening and could warrant sharing “The Case of the Infected Hangnail” in a Den Meeting, explaining how my pocket knife has rescued me from almost certain death. But I have never really used my pocket knife to solve a major life problem or to save a life until a little experience I had on Friday that may warrant a little write up in Boys Life.

So I went to the temple for some needed spiritual enlightenment. As I returned to my locker I looked up to see that someone had slammed the handle to my garment bag…

I Got the Sweats

In the summer do you ever lie in bed cradled in a puddle of you own sweat hoping to fall asleep? You have every fan in your house going, windows open to capacity, a bag of ice on your head and yet sleep somehow eludes you?

I love the coolness of the air conditioner but I am so cheap that I don’t turn it on until I am almost to the point of absolute dehydration. How did the pioneers do it? There must have been a lot of skinny dipping going on in the blackness of night.

I am the same way in my car. I think it is because I feel like somehow I am stronger than everyone else around me. It’s like I have something to prove to myself and others by sweating through every layer of clothing I have on. Is that really showing how tough I am or how little I care about body odor in and around other people? I think people are starting to feel the latter is true.

I think my neighbors must wonder what happens to me from the time I leave work to when I arrive home. I get out of my car dripping with sweat a…

The American Way

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I work in a not so upstanding part of Salt Lake as I have mentioned before. In case you have any doubt about it, let me just say, my co-worker was propositioned just outside our office last week. And when I say "propositioned" I don’t mean to go and get an ice cream cone at the local Dairy Queen. She was propositioned for a...well you know. I guess after that she is definitely going to rethink wearing a tube top, and thigh high boots to work.

But I guess I just don’t see all the negativity that some of my co-workers see. I look around the neighborhood where I work and see a network of resourceful individuals who are trying to pull themselves out of the toilet, which is their lives.

For example, I went for my afternoon walk yesterday and I saw proof that there are still some good people out there trying to live the American dream.

On my walks I pass by this little house on the corner where two men, whose names I don’t know, but who I like to call Lowell and Joe-Joe, sit out in …

Ode to Michael

Oh, Michael I hardly knew ye.

I have to send out my regards to the man, the king of pop, Mr. Michael Jackson.

On my drive into work today every channel was playing his music and I forgot how many great songs he produced.

Love him or hate him, you have to admit the man put out some stellar tunes.

When Mike made a new video it wasn’t that you just saw it in passing, it was an event that you stopped everything for and watched and sometimes re-enacted in the privacy of your bedroom. (Don’t act like you didn’t. You all grabbed yourself and let out a crazy “ooooh”. There is no shame in it, just embrace it.)

I still remember where I was the first time I saw Thriller, Billy Jean, Bad, Smooth Criminal and Do You Remember the Time. You just don’t forget great music moments like that.

We all knew he was a freak but what an entertainer. I always said if MJ ever came to Utah, I would pay whatever it cost to go see that performance.

Shine on you crazy diamond! May your pelvis always be thrusting, may your…

The Big Win

Oh friends I have such news!

After many years of running I finally placed in my division. That’s right, first place in my age division! Well, ok, sure there were only two people running in my age division…nevertheless, it is still an effort and should be rewarded.

So after the race, I waited anxiously for the city of Bluffdale to call my name so I could accept my award. Surely, they must give out trophies the size of small children, or at least a Geo Prizm to the winners of the 5K.

While I waited for them to call out my name, I started going over my acceptance speech in my head, “Thank you so much, all of you. I wanted to thank some very special people, who made all this possible. I would like to thank my track coach who stood by me even during the steroid scandal of ’93. Thanks to my dad who encouraged me to pull on some tenni runners and those embarrassing running shorts with the flap on the side and get out there and run. And to all you children who never thought they could win in you…