Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The Hair Growing Miracle

Have you seen the commercial with Brooke Shields advertising this medicine called Latisse that can help you grow thicker, darker eyelashes? I have to admit that I am intrigued with such a product’s claims. Thicker hair that grows out of no where? Fantastic!

But I must say, shouldn’t we be marketing this product to consumers who may need this much more then females?

How about balding males? If we have a product that makes hair out of nothing at all (shout out to Air Supply) why aren’t we marketing this to balding men? Much like we do with ED (erectile dysfunction) medication at all hours of the day and night (Which, if I may say, have gotten a little out of control, haven’t they. If was funny at first but…not so much now.)

I know men who would give their left leg for a product that would promise them hair growth.

Sure, the hair would be course and stick straight up in the air. And yes, your hair would probably be darker then your normal hair color so it would be splotchy at best.

But who cares when science has brought us the miracle of the mascara comb and eyelash curler. Sure it would take you 14 hours to comb your hair, but my male friends we would have hair again. HAIR!

How ‘bout it science? Hook some balding brothers up.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Grocery Ascent

Do you ever go to Wal-Mart and buy 25 items and then for some reason the cashier puts all 25 items in separate bags instead of consolidating your items like you wish he would?

And you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “Hey I live on the third floor pal. How am I supposed to haul all these bags up three flights of stairs in one trip? Friendly Wal-Mart employee, Jeff I believe you name is, just cram it all in there. Smash my bread, bruise my apples, and even crack some of my eggs if you must, but I just want 2-4 bags to carry up my stairs."

Usually when I get home with all my bags I open my truck and just stare hopelessly into it, thinking, “How in the world am I going to manage this in one trip?” Mentally is just makes me so tired

Well they say necessity is the mother of invention, so very slowly I start putting bags around my elbows, wrapping bags around my neck, and strapping on as many bags as will fit in my hands.

On a good day I can balance a turkey or a gallon of milk between my knees (Thank goodness for Suzanne Sommer’s Thigh Master. People used to laugh at me for doing that in high school. But who is laughing now friends? Who is laughing now?)

So very slowly, but as quickly as possible, I start my ascent up the stairs and already my arms and thighs are just burning.

As I round the bend to go up the final stretch of stairs suddenly my gallon of milk slips, but I clamp it with my shins. "Good save", says I!

By this time the whole neighborhood has come out of their houses to support the "grocery bag ascent" by shouting words of encouragement and doing some good old fashion high school cheers with full on pom-poms (well shredded paper towels) and bull horns (the cardboard roll from the shredded paper towels)

(People thanks for the cheers but seriously, I just need you to grab a couple bags for me and join in the climb.).

So finally, I reach my door with muscles aching, sweat dripping off my nose, and barely able to take one more step. Only to realize, however, that my keys are buried deep in my pocket, which, with all the bags in my chapped hands, might as well be in China for all the effort it is going to take to dig into my pocket and pull them out with 25 bags in hand.

At this point I don’t even care about the safety of my 25 items. I just drop all my bags without caring what will break, pull out my keys, open my door; reach down and just throw all my groceries into my house and slam the door.

I am really considering getting a pack mule or llama just for moments like these, this is getting ridiculous! Not to mention all the glass that I have to pick out of my pickles after I drop the jar. It’s hard.

Is there a better way to do this fellow 3rd floor dwellers? A little help if you please…

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Newdorff Sisters

This video is brought to you by the blog, Oinkle Doinkle (One of the funniest blogs that I have ever encountered. Check it out)

So there are some things that make me love this video.

1- Oh Sweet preacher lady, Merry, Blessed, Happy Christmas…um, pretty much the exact same thing. Just saying.

2- Check out the great cinematography happening in this video. I love the zoom in, tight focus on the plant and then out to Henrietta and Myrna, and then the zoom back into the plant. Two words: Power, Full.

3- Now friends “Go Tell It on the Mountain” is one of my favorite revival songs of praise and remembrance. It takes a special someone to pull it off because it requires both a powerful voice and a lot soul power, if you know what I talking about. Henerietta and Myrna Newdorff’s vocal stylings I have not seen the likes of since Mr. John Dakers. (Which if you haven’t seen friends is worth a watch. Sometimes when I am feeling blue I watch him multiple times a day.)

I love this video because don’t you feel for that teenage girl. Didn’t your parents make you do things that you didn’t want to do. Like singing on the public access Christian channel when you really wanted to go toilet papering with your friends. And you know you have to do what your parents ask you to do, but to get back at your parents you just barely squeak any effort at all.

Or maybe this is how she is all the time and if so…she needs to drink a Red Bull ASAP.

Oh sisters Newdorff, thank you for this gem. Your singing makes me want to jump to my feet and sleep.

You, sweet sisters, are a deeeelight.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Wal-Mart Greeter

I always feel bad for the Wal-mart greeters, don’t you?

Whenever I go to the Wal-Mart, I always think to myself, “How does one get to the point in their life were "Wal-mart Greeter" becomes a viable option of employment?”

Don't get me wrong friends I am happy they are working, but…a greeter? Really?

When I express my concern about my friends, the greeters, people say that they must enjoy it because they are retired and it gives them something to do everyday. But surely there must be other places where our “baby boomers” can find some sense of value.

At my Wal-Mart my greeter is a retired gentleman who greets me with a high five and then has a cart ready for me when I walked in. It seems a bit much for me. My spirit is already crushed that I have to shop at the Wal-mart, giving me the “Top Gun, One Up, One Down” doesn't do much to embolden my spirit. But I appreciated the effort any who.

But as I walked away I felt sad for him. Like I needed to hold him for a minute and tell him that everything would be ok, and that he wouldn’t have to do this senseless Wal-mart gig forever.

I know he would never complain to my face about his job, because I am convinced that all Wal-Mart employees have a micro-chip inserted into their brains that gives them electrical shocks when they think outside of the "Wal-Mart paradigm".

But if I listened ever so closely, through strained lips, I would hear a faint whisper coming from my Wal-Mart Greeter saying, “Heeellllp Mmmmeeee”.

So friends, next time you are over ta' the Wal-Mart. Take a moment to hold your greeter, tell them how much you care about them, and let them know that there are other options available for them outside of the Wal-Mart.

And than give them a “Top Gun, One up, One down” and get on with your shoppin’.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The Elder's Quorum Lesson

So one of the things I dread in life is teaching Elder’s Quorum at church. I love to teach Sunday School and could do that all day every day, but those Elders are a tough crowd to teach to.

It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that the guys just give up once they get to Elders Quorum. They don’t want to answer any questions, or volunteer to read. They just want to sit there for an hour until church gets out.

So here was me yesterday teaching, “OK Friends, so who can tell me what Charity is?”

(The distant sound of crickets chirping)

Now, I am not afraid of silence and I am a believer in letting people ponder the question before they respond, but after ten minutes of very loud silence it’s time for someone to say “uncle”. It’s like a silent competition to see who will cave first. Will the teacher answer his own question or will the elders finally have the courage to speak up? It’s hard to say who ultimately wins this battle in the end

Yesterday, it seemed that I had to answer the majority of my own questions that I asked, which I could have done at home for free.

So finally I just got so frustrated I just wanted to slam down my manual and say, “OK Fellas seriously? I have worked my can off for the past two weeks for this lesson, so somebody better answer my questions and volunteer to read or so help me, I am going to reach over the pulpit and beat the crap out of all of you.

“And if you think I’m kidding, just try me. Because I would love it!

Great. Now with that out of the way, today our lesson is on developing charity…”

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Google

Remember that time when you Googled you new co-worker and found out about a lot of cool and interesting things they had done at their last job?

Remember how you told yourself that you would never bring those things up to them in conversation, because how creepy would that be if they found out you had Googled them?

Do you also remember that time when you accidentally slipped and mentioned the cool and interesting things that they had done at their last job that you found on Google while talking to them?

And recall if you will, your co-worker’s shock when he asked you how you had found out about the cool and interesting things they had done at their last job.

Remember how embarrassed you were that you were found out? So you said you had to go to the bathroom, but you really jumped in your car, drove all the way home and locked yourself in the closet and collapsed in the fetal position, where you rocked and cried yourself to sleep?

Remember how you never want to run into that person ever again, or how you never want to go to work again? Soooooooo awkward

Beware the power that we have in Google. Promise me you will only use it for good…and the occasional embarrassing situation. Promise Me!

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Angry Meeting

So I just got a new calling at church, and as such have been thrust into being social and going to many meetings. Honestly people, I am more comfortable sitting in the back making fun of bad musical numbers.

Don’t get me wrong friends, I love serving at church and interacting with amazing people. Although, I am having a hard time believing that we need to have so many meetings. And I have hard time believing that when we do hold meetings that they really need to take two hours a shot. Really? Two hours?

Last night I attended a two hour meeting that could have been accomplished in one. Keep in mind I loved the topic we were discussing, I believe it is a true principle and should be included in all our lives. However, half way through the meeting I was tempted to stand and say to the speaker, “Good friend, I love you like a brother…but get to the freakin’ point!

To compound matters the two people who I serve with in my calling are just sooo good, and are about ready to be sucked right up into heaven. Grab onto their legs friends, they are heading up. And I feel like I am border line socially and spiritually, for the lack of a better word, retarded when I am around them. They are so patient and good with me in all my cynicism and sarcasm, which only makes me feel worse.

I know that over the years I have been increasingly more cynical about things that I should love and embrace. My desire is to be one of those people that just loves everyone, that always has something good to say when people gossip, and a person who never stands up in meetings and tells the speakers that they need to get to the point or sit down.

Maybe that is why I am in this calling so I can learn how to have a change of heart and root out the evil that is within in me. Only time will tell.

But I don’t see how my change of heart will come from attending another two hour meeting. They just make me so angry! So angry!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Random Thoughts Email

Friends, someone just emailed me these little gems. I seem to relate really well to all of them, and perhaps you may aswell.

I have bolded the ones that apply directly to how I think.

Random Thoughts of the Day:

Was learning cursive really necessary?

I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Bad decisions make good stories

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Higher Power

Do you ever run into you house after an uncomfortable ride home, throwing your keys and everything else in a trail behind as you need to hit the bathroom stat?

You find your seat and realize to your horror that there is no hygenic paper on the roll. And not only that, but after digging through your trash, you can't find anything that could possibly even substitute for hygienic paper.

So now you are in a bit of a bind because…what do you do? But you realize you haven’t really let anything go yet, and so it is possible you could probably just travel to another local where the hygienic paper abounds and is open to the public.

So in times of trouble I usually turn to a higher power and this was no exception.

As I sat pondering on what to do, I looked out my window. And as I looked heavenward I saw a steeple right next to my house. I felt it was a sign, so I ever so gentlely bolted out of the door.

Running down the street like a speed walker, I made it just in time to push some boy scouts out of my way and rush into the bathroom.

You know I walked out of that church with a new perspective above about a great many things?

Number one, I learned that when you are faced with troubling times you can find relief at church.

Number two, if you are smart you can walk out of the church with your pockets filled with hygienic paper, and no one will be the wiser.

Feel free to incorporate this lesson into any religious teaching moments you have coming up. I might share it over the pulpit this Sunday, it’s hard to say.