Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Church Wife

Today I was running late to church.

I walked in and greeted the fellow handing out the programs for the service. As I reached for a program he pulled back and said, "I already gave a program to your wife."

Which is odd, because as you know, I don't have wife.

But then I thought, "May be my future wife is here. May be this good brother didn't make a mistake but was, in his own special way, telling me that my future wife was in the congregation, today, right then, waiting for me to share a program with her."

I rushed in hoping to find her.

Apparently, she got tired of a waiting, because I couldn't find her any where. It looks like she got tired of holding the program by herself and left.

I really need to get to church earlier, and my wife needs to be a little bit more patient in waiting for me.

Monday, March 31, 2014

The Great Toilet Paper Purchase 2014

Friends, I am gonna be real with you.

I am a 38 year old man who still feels extremely exposed, vulnerable, and embarrassed when I have to buy toilet paper.

If I ran a store, I would sell toilet paper like they sell ice. You whisper to the cashier that you need  it, and then you exit the store grab it from a container, throw it in a cooler in your car, and take off to the beach. No muss, no fuss, fantastic!

I have found a loop hole, so I thought, that has helped me to avoid the purchase of toilet paper every month. I buy my toilet paper in bulk from Costco.With the help of Costco I have avoided having to buy toilet paper for 20 years.

So last week I had gotten to my last square of toilet paper, so I went to Costco for the Great Toilet Paper Purchase of 2014.

Let me say that I was feeling really confident about my ability to make a toilet paper purchase. After all, the last time I had to buy toilet paper was when I was 18. I was young and socially awkward then, but now I was 38. I was a grown man. I could totally do this.

So I walked into Costco with my collar popped, ready to buy me some paper, toilet paper that is. I didn't even take a cart, I was determined to carry that hygienic package out of Costco with my head held high.

If you haven't been to Costco to buy toilet paper, let me tell you that the toilet paper package is the size of a small house. It was so big and bulky that after several attempts to wrap my arms around the stupid thing I ended up just throwing it over my shoulder and heading to check out.

That's when I started noticing the stares.

Now friends, I am not a small man. I am 6'5, and if you add a toilet paper package on top of that, I am at least 15 feet tall. As I walked with my bundle of toilet paper over my shoulder, people in Costco were dropping their samples, stopping their Blendtec demonstrations, and driving their carts into each other.

If I could translate some of the facial expressions of the people of Costco, their faces seemed to be saying:
"Does that guy ever leave the bathroom?"
"Doesn't he know there are carts up front. He just hit that little girl in the head with his giant package of TP. (Which I confess to doing. All I can say is thank goodness for Charmin TP or that girl would be dead today)"

I could have been reading a lot into their stares, but their stares made me feel exposed and ever so vulnerable. So I did what any grown man would do...I hid my giant package of toilet paper underneath some Signature Kirkham's sweaters and got the flip out of there.

Thank goodness Amazon sells toilet paper and delivers it right to your door, or the great Toilet Paper Purchase of 2014 would have been a complete disaster.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Caucus Meeting

So I went to my first caucus meeting last week.

Let me pause here to say, that if we are trying to get younger voters involved in the political process perhaps we need to change the name. "Caucus" sounds like something you get after you have had a bad Indian meal. Why not call it "Political Dance Party 2014" or "Vote 'til you Die, Sucka'". This, I feel, will bring out the young voters.

So I show up to the caucus meeting not even sure what I am supposed do. I enter a classroom with a bunch of people who seem super pumped about the republican party. There was even a guy with the constitution printed on his t-shirt, wearing a lovely red, white, and blue fanny pack, which, if we are being honest, was concealing his 9 mm handgun.

So I made my way to the back and thought to myself, "I think I am just going to watch to see how this process works." And then I hid behind the man with "constitution T-shirt."

So after a prayer, yes, a prayer, Oh, and the pledge of allegiance, which I haven't done since I was 10. We took our seats. That's when the nominations began...

So the next thing that happened is that they started nominating people to be their delegate reps.
So I am sitting there thinking, "Well this will be interesting. No one knows who I am so I am safe...did they just say my name?"

They sure did call my name friends.
My sweet neighbor nominated me...I wanted to kill her.

But I said I would accept the nomination, because I believe we should all take part in the political process, and I knew there was no way anyone would actually vote for me.

So then they asked us all to come up and tell a little about ourselves.
WHAT??

They asked me to start off. I didn't know what to say, but I remembered what people did on the Miss America Pageant when they introduced themselves to the judges and thought it might be effective.

"Hello friends! My name is Robierto, and I hail from the great state of Utah, and live in the beautiful city of South Jordan. I am in my fourth year as a freshman at the University of Utah, studying plant life. I enjoying hiking, racquetball, and spending time with my 12 cats. So let's hear it for me!"

Then some super political lady in the front row said, "That doesn't tell us anything about your political views." It wasn't so much what she said but how she said it that bugged me. She was kind of snotty with me.

So I launched into, "My political views? Um, well, I don't believe we should nominate friends who are ill prepared to give a political speech. I don't know how I feel about starting a political meeting with a prayer, AND, I don't appreciate you bullying people the first time they attend one of your little "Caa-Caa" meetings. So chill out, sister!"

Um, after that I was pretty sure I was not going to be elected. In fact I almost just left because I felt so stupid.

But guess who will be representing his area as a county delegate?
This Guy!
I won because there were only 12 of us at the meeting and there were 12 positions to fill.

Good bless America!
This political system of ours, is working great!