The Days and Nights of Robierto

Today I was running late to church.

I walked in and greeted the fellow handing out the programs for the service. As I reached for a program he pulled back and said, "I already gave a program to your wife."

Which is odd, because as you know, I don't have wife.

But then I thought, "May be my future wife is here. May be this good brother didn't make a mistake but was, in his own special way, telling me that my future wife was in the congregation, today, right then, waiting for me to share a program with her."

I rushed in hoping to find her.

Apparently, she got tired of a waiting, because I couldn't find her any where. It looks like she got tired of holding the program by herself and left.

I really need to get to church earlier, and my wife needs to be a little bit more patient in waiting for me.

Friends, I am gonna be real with you.

I am a 38 year old man who still feels extremely exposed, vulnerable, and embarrassed when I have to buy toilet paper.

If I ran a store, I would sell toilet paper like they sell ice. You whisper to the cashier that you need  it, and then you exit the store grab it from a container, throw it in a cooler in your car, and take off to the beach. No muss, no fuss, fantastic!

I have found a loop hole, so I thought, that has helped me to avoid the purchase of toilet paper every month. I buy my toilet paper in bulk from Costco.With the help of Costco I have avoided having to buy toilet paper for 20 years.

So last week I had gotten to my last square of toilet paper, so I went to Costco for the Great Toilet Paper Purchase of 2014.

Let me say that I was feeling really confident about my ability to make a toilet paper purchase. After all, the last time I had to buy toilet paper was when I was 18. I was young and socially awkward then, but now I was 38. I was…

So I went to my first caucus meeting last week.

Let me pause here to say, that if we are trying to get younger voters involved in the political process perhaps we need to change the name. "Caucus" sounds like something you get after you have had a bad Indian meal. Why not call it "Political Dance Party 2014" or "Vote 'til you Die, Sucka'". This, I feel, will bring out the young voters.

So I show up to the caucus meeting not even sure what I am supposed do. I enter a classroom with a bunch of people who seem super pumped about the republican party. There was even a guy with the constitution printed on his t-shirt, wearing a lovely red, white, and blue fanny pack, which, if we are being honest, was concealing his 9 mm handgun.

So I made my way to the back and thought to myself, "I think I am just going to watch to see how this process works." And then I hid behind the man with "constitution T-shirt."

So after a prayer, yes, a pra…