Monday, March 31, 2014

The Great Toilet Paper Purchase 2014

Friends, I am gonna be real with you.

I am a 38 year old man who still feels extremely exposed, vulnerable, and embarrassed when I have to buy toilet paper.

If I ran a store, I would sell toilet paper like they sell ice. You whisper to the cashier that you need  it, and then you exit the store grab it from a container, throw it in a cooler in your car, and take off to the beach. No muss, no fuss, fantastic!

I have found a loop hole, so I thought, that has helped me to avoid the purchase of toilet paper every month. I buy my toilet paper in bulk from Costco.With the help of Costco I have avoided having to buy toilet paper for 20 years.

So last week I had gotten to my last square of toilet paper, so I went to Costco for the Great Toilet Paper Purchase of 2014.

Let me say that I was feeling really confident about my ability to make a toilet paper purchase. After all, the last time I had to buy toilet paper was when I was 18. I was young and socially awkward then, but now I was 38. I was a grown man. I could totally do this.

So I walked into Costco with my collar popped, ready to buy me some paper, toilet paper that is. I didn't even take a cart, I was determined to carry that hygienic package out of Costco with my head held high.

If you haven't been to Costco to buy toilet paper, let me tell you that the toilet paper package is the size of a small house. It was so big and bulky that after several attempts to wrap my arms around the stupid thing I ended up just throwing it over my shoulder and heading to check out.

That's when I started noticing the stares.

Now friends, I am not a small man. I am 6'5, and if you add a toilet paper package on top of that, I am at least 15 feet tall. As I walked with my bundle of toilet paper over my shoulder, people in Costco were dropping their samples, stopping their Blendtec demonstrations, and driving their carts into each other.

If I could translate some of the facial expressions of the people of Costco, their faces seemed to be saying:
"Does that guy ever leave the bathroom?"
"Doesn't he know there are carts up front. He just hit that little girl in the head with his giant package of TP. (Which I confess to doing. All I can say is thank goodness for Charmin TP or that girl would be dead today)"

I could have been reading a lot into their stares, but their stares made me feel exposed and ever so vulnerable. So I did what any grown man would do...I hid my giant package of toilet paper underneath some Signature Kirkham's sweaters and got the flip out of there.

Thank goodness Amazon sells toilet paper and delivers it right to your door, or the great Toilet Paper Purchase of 2014 would have been a complete disaster.

1 comment:

Stephanie Abney said...

You're hysterical, Rob!!