Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Ultimate Christmas Gift

I can't keep it a secret any longer. I have bought you all a special musical CD that is sure to make your holidays bright and memorable. What do you get when you mix the showmanship of Liberace, and the musical prowess of...well,  his singing is in a league all it's own. Friends I give you Giorgio...


 His CD AND DVD are going fast. Don't be too surprised if they appear under your tree as a special little gift from me to you. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Bad Case of the "Literally"

So I ran into this women the other day, she was fine, but why was she standing behind my door like that? After she pulled herself off the floor, she immediately and unnecessarily started telling me everything that was going on in her life. While I listened to an endless narration about herself; I thought “This chick surely uses the word “literally” a lot.

Don’t worry about my head,” She said “I literally have been hit in the head over 53 times, I’m telling ya, literally blunt force drama right across the kisser...literally 53 times. It literally feels great! Oh Robierto, How are you? It doesn’t matter, because I am literally the best I have ever been. I literally was thinking about you the other day, and I said Robierto is literally one of the best people that I know (OK, she didn’t really say this part, but I am writing the story, so shut up). I literally just got done with my literature class and literally it has changed my life, literally…

I don’t think the word “literally” means what she thinks it means”, I thought.

She literally gave me such a headache that I had to go take a nap for literally an hour. I mean, standing there listening to her talk made me want to literally blow my head right off.

I literally feel like…wait, ugh, DARN YOU “LITERALWOMEN”! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Mall Lonely


Does going to the mall make you feel lonely?

I don’t know why but when I walk into the mall and I feel lonely. And not just lonely, but so lonely I feel the need to go sit in my car and listen to the “Carpenters” lonely.

Why is that?

I have been at the mall a lot lately trying to buy new pants to replace the ones that blew out the zipper in the “great weight gain debacle of 2011”, and I have pondered this question a lot and here is what I have come up with.

Reason 1
I lack fashion courage. Sometimes you need someone to say, “Hey you would look good in those skinny jeans” or “those skinny jeans make your butt look big”. Sometimes when I am shopping alone I don’t get that feedback, so I end up buying skinny jeans that possibly could be a little too skinny, if you know what I mean.

Reason 2
Sometimes I am way too tight with my money. If anything is over $20.00 or not on clearance I won’t even look twice at it. Sometimes you need someone to tell you, “Just go for it. You deserve a pair of skinny jeans, and a low V-neck t-shirt.

Reason 3
I never thought I would have to shop alone. In all those 80’s movies I used to watch, you always saw “populars” at the mall with all their friends buying white washed jeans and eating at Hotdog on a Stick. Even today, I see all the popular kids at the Buckle making fun of the nerds as the pass by and I think to myself, “I wish I had some friends so I could make fun of nerds.”

My biggest fear is that I have become that guy that the popular kids who shop at the Buckle laugh at. With my age inappropriate skinny jeans and my orange shoes I got on clearance from Wal-mart.

(Sigh) Sometimes I feel lonely at the mall.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The Shopping of Pants


I hate buying pants. There I’ve said it. Any other article of clothing I feel pretty confident about buying…except shirts, socks, and shoes…but anything else, super confident about it.

Friends, my zipper blew out of my pants yesterday.  And when I say “blew out” I literally mean that, it went flying out of my pants and hit someone in the face.

It’s all because I have put on some weight because I have started drinking egg nog a little prematurely this year. It’s a topic I don’t want really want to talk about because it makes me depressed and drives me into the loving arms of egg nog all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.

So anyway, I went to the mall yesterday hoping that I would find exactly what I was looking for, for under $20.00. Expectations a little too high? You betcha!

Can I ask a question? What is with skinny jeans, skinny dress pants, and plunging V-neck t-shirts that go to your belly button?

I don’t get it. They give me stress. How can anyone be comfortable in something so restrictive? It’s hard to say.

In my searching, once I did find a nice looking pair of pants it was either $500.00 or they didn’t have it in my size (I have come to accept that the pant size 34x34 is merely a myth, a legend. Frankly, I don’t think it really exists.)

So after going to every store in the mall I finally ended up in Eddie Bauer. Eddie is a good friend, we go way back and he is always good at having what I need in stock. He had the perfect pair of pants for me on the clearance rack for under $20.00.

Are the pants high waisted? Absolutely.
Do I have to cinch them with a belt so the will stay on? Darn straight.
Have I gotten some interesting looks when I go club hoppin' in my grandma pants? You better believe it.
I may look like an idiot on the outside, but I feel o' so comfortable within. And that's really what it's all about. 
Isn't it?

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Potty Humor


OK Friends, you know I am a sucker for some good “potty humor”. Call it a weakness, but my brain just automatically goes there. And the last place that you would expect for my brain to find “potty humor” is at church. But friends I did.

So I was sitting in Elder’s Quorum trying to be spiritual and find greater meaning in my life when the teacher asked “What can we do to find greater meaning in our lives.”

And as I sat pondering the question, the brother in front of me raised his hand and said this, “Ya know brothers it’s the things that we do, do everyday that makes a difference.

Where upon I thought, “Uh huh, uh huh…what was that?”

And then he said some other things and then repeated the phrase, “Ya know brothers it’s the things that we do, do everyday that makes a difference.

And my neighbor and I slowly turned to look at each other to confirm if we were hearing correctly, and his giggles confirmed our good brother said “Doo doo” in church. And not only that, but he used the word “doo doo” in a sentence where it actually made sense in context.

The mature thing would have been to gain composure and be an adult about the whole thing.
But friends, I giggled throughout the entire meeting.

I really need to do my duty, and out grow this “potty humor” brain of mine.
(Duty…he,he,he)

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Star Wars Pageant Tribute

So my friend Stacey came over the other night and announced she wanted to try out for Miss. Daybreak 2011.

Where upon I said, "Stacey I have the best idea for your talent. I am thinking StarWars, trumpet solos, and dance."

It was a beautiful marriage of creativity and innovation. Luckily someone filmed this little gem for your viewing pleasure.
 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Sales People Anxiety


Friends, I don’t know how to put this gently, but… I HATE SALES PEOPLE.

I just don’t like all that pressure when I am spending money. I like to take my time and think everything through. And sometimes I find that after a sales person gives their little schpill, I buy what they are pushing, just because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, as is evidenced by my $600.00 road bike that I have ridden five times.

Sure there are some coping techniques to get around talking to sales people such as, pretending you are on an all important cell phone call, speed walking through the store so the sales people can’t catch you, or you could just pretend you are deaf. All of which have to proven to work very well for me in the past.

Now I have been putting off buying a new mattress for about a year. But last week, laying in bed and realizing that my legs were sticking straight up in the air due to the dilapidation of my mattress, I figured it was time to start looking.

So I went to the furniture store, determined not to be bothered by a sales person. My intent was to go in lay on some beds, and perhaps jump on some of them with a bottle of wine and some goblets set at the other end.And I have found that when a sales person hounds me, it really hinders the freedom of expression that I so desperately need as I leap from bed to bed.

So as soon as I walked into the furniture store, which literally was crawling with sales people, I was greeted by an overly perky sales person named Nancy, whom I will lovingly refer from this point on as...“Nancy Pants”.

Nancy Pants: So what are you looking for?
Robierto: A mattress
Nancy Pants: Do you know what kind of mattress you need?
Robierto: No.
Nancy Pants: Do you need a firm mattress or a soft mattress?
Robierto: Um…I am not really sure
Nancy Pants: Why are you wearing pajamas and holding a bottle of wine and some goblets?

So I finally told Nancy Pants that I probably just needed to go try some mattresses out by myself to find what I really needed. 

So I wandered in to the showroom and fell back on a good Ol’Queen size, and pondered the possibility of setting up the goblets, when I felt someone lay down beside me.

Nancy Pants: So what do you think?
Robierto: I think you need to respect my personal space “Nancy Pants” and hop off this mattress ASAP. (I didn’t say that, but it was how I felt.)

But she just lay there next to me, which seemed so inappropriate on so many levels. And I could feel myself getting more and more anxious and she talked about lower lumbar support.

So finally, almost to the point where I thought I was going to hyperventilate, I said, “Good Nancy, can I have you check to see if this comfy mattress is in stock?

Where upon she jumped off the mattress and I jumped out the door and drove home as fast as I could.

Am I embarrassed that I possibly have a social anxiety related to sales people?
Yes.
Am I sad that Nancy Pants didn’t get the sales commission she thought she had coming so she could provide Christmas for her children this year?
Absolutely!
But while I am fixing myself and evaluating my mental health status, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GO BUY A MATTRESS FOR ME?
Much Thanks,
Robierto

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Awkward Goodbye


So recently I had an amazing experience with a group of people that I love. It was life changing and many of the people will have a lasting place in my heart.

But there was one family that I got particularly close to.

It was getting close to when we were all leaving, and I started experiencing some emotions and feelings that I felt needed to be shared.

 So I gave them a hug and launched into what I can only phrase as “emotional and verbal vomit”. It just didn't stop, it just kept coming no matter how hard I tried to hold it back There was a few of “You have changed my life” with a little dash of “you are the wind beneath my wings”, followed by a shower of tears, and rocking and holding. It was quite a scene.

But I felt good because I had emptied all the feelings that I had carried for so long about these wonderful people.  We then hugged and I was about ready to head to my flight, only to hear over the radio that my flight was delayed.

Now there is something very liberating about unloading such feelings when you know there is a very high chance you will never see these people again and you can walk away after you have shared some tender feelings.

But then there we stood...in a very loud silence...not knowing what to say because...IT had all had been said.

There I stood feeling all of a sudden like I had shared too much with way too much emotion, and they probably thought I was an emotional wreck?

It was weird, so I excused myself and sat in the bathroom until my flight left.

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Chastity Share

Good Friends-

Do you ever have a lesson on "Chastity" in Elders Quorum? And someone raises their hand and shares some experiences where they or a family member broke the law of chastity? And you are sitting there thinking...(push play now.) Maybe those feelings should be shared within the walls of your own home. Thanks friend.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The Harry Potter Movie Mess


I have been so excited to see Harry Potter and I finally saw it last night.

So there I was dressed in my Hogwarts robe, with a lightning bolt scratched into my forehead with a twig I had fashioned into a wand. I was ready to finish up this movie saga, and put this bad boy to bed.

But for some Harry Potter fans, the excitement can be too much. As was evidenced by an explosive event that happened as we watched the movie.

So as I am sitting there enjoying the movie,  Harry is walking in to face “He who must not be named” and it happens…

Uuuurrhhhhg” and “Splat” came the sound coming two rows back.

That’s funny” said I, “That sounded like someone throwing up. But it probably is just someone groaning and spilling their drink.” I thought hopefully.
But then came a small voice, “Dad, I don’t feel very ….UUUUURRRHHHHGGG”. Followed by the sound of projectile vomit hitting everything in its path.
.
Luckily I wasn’t hit, but what do you do when someone throws up in your close proximity? I think for most of us our thoughts are to the person throwing up? Are they OK? And then we think of ourselves, “Did I get any throw up on me?”

But for me, my first thought was of young Harry. “Can someone please remove that child? Harry is trying to save Hogwarts…jeez”.

So the child was quickly removed and my friends and I sat thinking should we do. Do we leave or do we continue on the journey with young Harry? Well naturally we have to stay because Harry needs us.  If we leave him to his own devises he will end up marrying Ginny instead of Hermione.

So we plugged our noses, pulled our items off the floor and continued with the movie.

But then another obstacle pressed itself against us as we headed into the finale battle, that of the movie theater employee. Why he felt like he had to clean up the mess behind me during the climax of the movie, we perhaps will never know.

So I am trying to block the movie theater employee out and the smell of vomit,  but all I can hear is “Spirtz, Spritz” and “SCRAPE”, and then “Spirtz, Spritz” and “SCRAPE”.  And then the “PLOP” of liquid matter dropping into the trash bag.

So needless to say, as I dry heaved through the last part of the movie, my attention was not with my friends on screen,  as it should have been. And as such, Harry made the mistake of choosing that dull Ginny over Hermione.

I would like to believe if I had been more focused the movie could have ended differently.

Oh Harry why Ginny? Why? It's heavy at times.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Mother Nature Problem


In the last few weeks I have had some eye opening experiences that have reminded me how old I am. It’s not that I am in denial about my age, but sometimes Mother Nature bashes you over the head to remind you that you are no spring chicken. (Gentle laughing) That Mother Nature is a Maaad Scientist friends. I am not going to lie to you…I don’t care for her so much.

For example, the other day I came out of the mall and couldn’t find my car.

Really?” I said to myself, “Are we really to this point in my life where I can’t even remember where I parked twenty minutes ago? Really? (With my voice going up at the end)”

So there I wandered in the 100 degree heat searching for my little white Civic. When suddenly, and without warning I spotted her not 10 steps from where I was standing.  Ah, It was a South Towne Shopping Center miracle, I tell you!

So I got out my key and tried to unlock the door…but nothing happened. The key didn’t feel like it was going in correctly. So I pulled out the key, looked at it, and then tried again, fruitlessly.

So I did what any sane person would do in 100 degree heat I started jerking the key around, pounded on the door. I even licked my key to make sure it was properly lubricated…but still nothing.

So finally I started looking in the windows to see if I left one of the windows down so I could maybe stick a hanger or something in there to unlock the door. And then I notice something odd about my car…

Why is there a Lady Gaga CD on my seat…and when did I get black upholstery?

That’s right friends, it wasn’t my car. And to make matters worse the owner was walking out of the store right at the same moment I was looking into his windows. That made for a rather interesting conversation in an already awkward situation.

On a brighter note, I have learned that as I get older my emotions are well connected to my feelings. As was evidenced as I cried like a little girl as I was questioned by mall security.

Thanks Mother Nature, you’re the best!


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Modest Swim Gear

You know how some people take a great idea and take it way too far? I present to you a case concerning modest clothing. Now I think we can agree, we need to be modest, and there have been some great strides to make our swimwear that way (Thank you to the makers of the tankini)

But, friends, there’s modesty and then there is… well, see for yourselves.






I could be wrong but this seems like a step backward, doesn’t is?

I worry about anyone swimming in these things. That just seems like too much fabric in the water; wouldn’t you just sink to the bottom of the pool? And how long does that thing take to dry? I would worry about hypothermia.

And speaking as a single man, if the girl I was dating came walking out, "pool side" in one of these numbers... definitely a deal breaker.

(Dedicated to Carol and Krystal for bring this fashion trend to my attention. I don't know if they sent this to me to make me laugh, or if they are actually sitting pool side wearing these as we speak. It's hard to say.)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Best Workout

Many people ask me, “Robierto, what is your secret for staying in such fabulous shape.”
My response, “Mind your own bees wax”.

But today I will reveal to my gentle readers the secret for my shapely buns and thighs.

I usually do some aerobics in the morning. "Find it. Feel it. DO IT!"



And in the evening I like to bring my moves to the street and hit the dance clubs. My favorite moves can be found at 2:30 when we hit the “freestyle”. Wait for it...



Friends, don't hate me because I’m beautiful.


Shout out to Adrien and Kim for these great clips.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Mysterious "U"

Here is the favorite part of my day.
I walked past my co-worker’s cubicle and saw him staring out the window.
 
Robierto: Um, Joe, what are you looking at buddy?
Joe: How long has the that “U” been on the side of the mountain (referring to the gynormus U by the University of Utah).
Robierto:  Um, I don't know, like a hundred years.
Joe: (he laughs) That’s funny. But seriously, did they put that thing up over the weekend?
Robierto: No. Seriously. I really think the pioneers sectioned it off, put it in their handcarts and walked across the plains, and then reconstructed it when they arrived in the valley. It’s that old.

(But then he looked confused and I realized we weren't joking any more. 

Robierto: Joe? You have never notice the "U" on the mountain before? Really?
Joe: No. I just noticed it today.
Robierto: But Joe, It’s over a 100 feet tall. And you have worked here for over a year with your window pointing right to it.
Joe: Yeah, I don’t know. That’s so weird. You would think I would have noticed it as I drove to school every day.
Robierto: Where do you go to school Joe?
Joe:  The University of Utah.

Friends, sometimes I fear that Joe is “touched”.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Peter Pan Mishap

Here is a cautionary tale of the dangers of falling in love within the walls of the theater.

Once upon a time there was a young, up and coming actress by the name of Veronica. She thrilled when she saw the news that her local community theater was putting on Peter Pan, or for those of you who speak Spanish, Pedro Pan.

She was determined to be cast in the role as Peter, and she didn’t care who she had to hurt or kill to make her dream a reality.

Enter one Hank, a lowly stage hand, who never had a women show any interest in him at all. He spent his nights designing sets and figuring out how to get the pulley system to work so he could make people appear to fly during the upcoming production of Peter Pan.

Veronica knew that if she could use her feminine charms to seduce Hank, she was sure he could make it possible for her to be cast as Peter Pan. Little did Hank know that Veronica was just using him to get her Ethel Merman sized voice on the stage.

Well her plan worked and after many a night whispering “sweet nothings” in Hank’s ear, Hank used his stage hand influence and got the director to cast Veronica as the lovable Peter Pan.

But, as is often the way in these tales, Veronica turned her Peggy Fleming hair and attentions towards the man cast as Captain Hook, a man whom we shall call, Ramone. And she began cheating on Hank with latin born, Ramone. While Hank was out training Michael and John how to fly, Veronica was making out with Ramone in her dressing room.

Meanwhile, Hank was still enamored with Veronica and thought that their romance would last long after the show was over (which, by the way, is rare in the theater world).  

On opening night Hank thought he would surprise Veronica with flowers and a poem he had written, which wasn’t very good, but he thought if there was a lull in the conversation he could break it out.

As he opened her dressing room door, he was shocked to see Veronica eating grapes off of Ramone’s prop Hook.

Hank, as any good thespian would do, screamed like a girl, and made a spectacle of himself by crying loudly and tearing at his clothes.

But then a thought arose in Hank’s mind, a thought so dark, and so ugly that it made a Shakespeare tragedy look like an after school special. The wheels in his head starting turning, the dark and greasy wheels of revenge overcame him.

What if something were to happen to Veronica’s cable while she was flying tonight?” He asked in a sinister voice.

Well friends, this is what the audience saw as Veronica took to the skies as Peter Pan…



Here are some hilarious Peter Pan mishaps that I think are hilarious. Be careful when you dream "happy thought" you could fly right out of your bed.


Sometimes people get so angry when the director casts his own daughter as a lead...

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Silent Appreciation

Have you ever heard someone sing in church, the song continues to build and build and build until they climax to this glorious note? And then the song finishes and that last note hangs in the air and you can hear the echo bouncing off the walls and then…silence.

And you know you are moved. And you know the singer is moved. But there is just a very loud silence, and it feels awkward because you want to communicate how much their song meant to you, and explain why the person next to you is rocking and weeping. But how do you do that?

I am not saying that we need to applaud in church, or anything.  But wouldn’t it be something if we could come up with a silent way to show how much we appreciated a spiritual experience that someone has given us through a song or talk?

I am leaning towards “sprit fingers” directed in the vicinity of the speaker or musician, but I haven’t ruled out a designated individual to do a toe-touch for everyone present.  

Or what about giving everyone little white boards so they can express in one word responses how they are feeling. But conversely, when there are bad musical numbers or the high councilman’s talk runs long. I think the bishop might be a little shocked as to some words that appear on of those white boards.

I am not saying we need to come up with something today friends, but let’s mull it over and have something by next Sunday.

 Thoughts?

Monday, March 21, 2011

The Hand Shake or the Hug

I think George was just looking for handshake buddy.

So I was at a social function last week where I spotted an old acquaintance that I hadn’t seen for a couple years. As I was walking across the room to greet them I realized I wasn’t sure what my greeting execution was going to be. Should I give a hug or a handshake?

We were good friends at one time, so I was leaning towards a hug, but then I thought it had been over 10 years, and I haven’t talked to them since college, so maybe a handshake was more appropriate.

But then I started to freak out because I wasn’t sure what mode of greeting I was going to use, and I was walking towards them. My head was screaming “Abort! Abort!”, but they had already seen me coming, so I couldn’t pivot and run out the door.

So I firmly decided I was going for the handshake because it was the safest approach. So I smiled and extended my hand, which they grabbed and pulled me in for…that’s right, a hug.

Unfortunately, because my feet were set for a hand shake, the little pull forward made me lose my balance and I fell right into their head and got a big ol’ mouth full of hair. Because I was trying frantically get the hair out of my mouth, I think I might have bite them on the top of their head.

We very slowly pulled away, as their hand reached to their head to apply pressure to stop, what I can only assume was a tooth induce injury to the skull.

Oh friends, what is the proper protocol for these types of situations? It begs the question, what is appropriate the handshake or the hug?

I would love to know, and I am sure my friends would feel a greater sense of safety around me if I figured this out.

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Social Office Mate

Do you ever wonder if people are socially retarded?

I have this woman at work who stops by, and after she is done with her business she just sits in my office.

So, when I say “office” you are going to think of a room with a large desk in it with chairs in front to consult with people. But when I say “office” I mean a broom closet with a two chairs that are almost touching.

So as we sit there, knee to knee in absolute silence, I ask, “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

No.” She replies.

And then she sits there in silence looking at me.

So what do I do?
 I am very adverse to silence when two people are sitting so close together and I start to sweat and my heart starts a poundin’. What does this women want with me?

Alright then…great! Um…so. Great!”

Still, she sits there with no response.

She obviously is not aware of verbal cues, so I switched to non-verbal cues. I start shuffling papers around my desk and sighing heavily (P.S. this technique also works very well for when your boss walks by your office to see if you have enough to do. It makes you look really busy. Give it a try.)

And…nothing. She still just sits across from me smiling.

Finally, out of desperation I pretended someone is calling me and shout, “Um, what? Oh, oh-kay, I am coming” and run out of my office to go and hide in the bathroom where I am safe from this anxious situation.

Someone might want to go check on this sweet lady. For all I know she is still in my office just smiling at the wall.

People are so weird

.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Fortress of Solitude

Do you ever have times when things at work get overwhelmingly hectic? The phone is ringing off the hook, people keep giving you projects, and to make matters worse, you forget to wear deodorant?

At times like this, I have found a refuge of peace in the family bathroom in our office. I don't use the facilities in the traditional way, but just like the idea that I can just shut the door and no one will disturb me.

Sometimes, I like to go in there for; oh I don’t know, like, 3 or 30 minutes just to get away from it all.

Sometimes I like to just close my eyes and shut away the world, much like the Calgon commercials of yesteryear, minus the bubbles.

As I lay on the coolness of the tile it takes all the stress away.

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Alumni Super Stars

I live a quiet life, an important but unassuming life. I think for the most part I am a pretty good person and would consider myself a high yielding member of society. But with that said, whenever the BYU alumni magazine arrives in the mail and I see what my fellow alumni are up to, I begin to question if I am doing enough.

To look at the people they spotlight, it seems they all have 12 children, are working on a second doctorate degree, are earning their 2nd billion, and yet amazingly, they still manage to spend months in Africa bandaging orphans with leprosy.

I know I should clap for them, but honestly it makes me wonder if I have squandered my learning from the BYU.

With all these feelings of inadequacy, it makes it hard for me to put my cure for cancer on the market.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Baby Fleece Face

This is just too good. 
For those of you who don't know, I am a huge fan of the Slanket...not the Snuggie.
But lately I have been worried about our little people who are too small to enjoy the warmth, that is the Slanket.

But someone out there has answered the call, and has brought us this little gem of a product.

I can't help but think of the movie "Alien" every time I see this picture.

Shout out to Tori for providing the picture, and laughs

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Funniest Baby Pictures

Some babies start life with a rough start. As is evidenced by these sweet photos.

Case #1: Oh sweet Baby Fran, eating an entire can of refried beans before your photo shoot may not be the wisest decision you made today. 
Case #2: I don't know what the photographer was doing to illicit such a response from sweet baby Maria, but they need to take it down, like 14 notches.
Case #3: I don't even know what to say about his picture, but it makes me laugh so hard that sweet baby John needs to be shared with all my friends.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Wonder Women Transportation Problem

So last night I couldn’t fall asleep, and for whatever reason my mind went back to the Justice League cartoon I used to watch as child.

Remember? You had Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Women and those annoying Wonder Twins with their monkey (I don’t remember what their function was because they had useless powers and really cause more problems than they fixed) and they would try to defend the Earth from crazy villains. It was a veritable Dream Team of Supers.

Every “Super” had a cool means of transportation.
Superman could fly,
Batman had the Batmobile,
Aquaman rode on dolphins,
and Wonder Women had… an invisible jet.
You heard me right friends, an invisible jet.
Now the invisible jet would be cool if once Wonder Women was in her jet she would also become invisible, much like the invisibility clock from Harry Potter. That would make sense to me.

But she isn’t invisible friends; Wonder Women is clearly visible in the seated position. Which is a really weird position to be whirling through the sky in.

It would look so much cooler if she could steer lying on her stomach, because at least should would appear like she was flying.

And what’s the point of having an invisible jet if you can’t sneak up on people without them seeing you squatting, while going 200 mph? Unless Wonder Women's objective is to make them die of laughter, then I could see her plan working all too well.

I really think Wonder Women should entertain the idea of learning to be invisible or hitch a ride in the Batmobile. Batman is single, I am sure he would enjoy the company.

This is what keeps me up at night friends. Issues that would make the Justice League a little more effective in their fight against galaxy villains.

So sue me 'cause I care about people.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My Favorite Worst Music Video

Oh those Swedish are at it again, and friends it is a wonderful mix of tackiness and great music.

I can't be sure but I think the guy is a young David Bowie, pre-Labyrinth era.

Now my favorite part of this whole thing is the dancing. I think it's fun that they got the local 30 and older glee club to come and do a routine that has nothing to do with the song at all. But they are just dancing their hearts out, and you have go to appreciate that.

And why they are hurling the space...again it's hard to say.
But enjoy the power that is my favorite worst music video.

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Greatness of Me

Do you ever do something that you would consider incredibly charitable? So charitable in fact, you feel like at anytime you will be sucked right up into heaven? And then someone  reminds that you definitely belong down here on earth with all the other turkeys? I had such an occasion as I went to go see a play over to the Hale Center Theater.

I had taken my seat and was reading over the program when I realized that I had to go to the little boys room. But as l looked down the aisle to my left there was a little old lady that looked like she had just underwent her fourth hip replacement surgery. And as I looked to my right there was a man who was on crutches.
So no matter which way I went I was going to have to make one of these good people get up out of their chairs so I could get out of the aisle. I couldn’t even do the awkward shimmy past them, because heaven forbid they make aisles wide enough so people can move in and out with ease of movement.

I decided to do a “Dukes of Hazzard Leap” to the aisle behind me, which had no people in it at all, and make my escape that way.

At this point I was feeling pretty good about my charitable maneuver. On the way to the lou, I couldn’t help but think how kind of a person I was. Most people wouldn’t have given a second thought to making my elderly and handicapped “aisle friends” get up so I could leave. But not this cowboy, I was concerned about the little people, and that’s what makes me a such a good…no, GREAT person. More people should be as kind and thoughtful as I was. I am FANTASTIC!

As I came back into the theater the usher gently grabbed my elbow and pulled me to the side. And I thought he would say something like, “Sir, thank you for being so thoughtful of our elderly and handicapped guests. Because of how good…no I am sorry, GREAT you are, we would like to offer you free popcorn and season tickets for life.”

And then I would respond by saying, “Oh, good friend, I don’t need any type of incentive for being as great as I am. It’s just my nature. I care about the little guy. I don’t need any incentives for what…well actually, I don’t need the popcorn, but I think I will take those free season tickets.

What he actually said was, “Sir, I saw you step over the aisle and I have to tell you it scared me and many of our other guests. And I am going to have to ask that you refrain from doing that because of the safety hazard it causes.  Oh yeah, did I also mention the usher was like 16 years old. There is nothing so embarrassing as being reprimanded by someone half your age.

So I walked back to my seat, making the older lady with the four hip replacement surgeries get up out of her chair so I could move past her.

Is it possible that I am not as good as I think I am? 
Anything is possible, right?

But why did the usher have to make me cry like that?




Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Russian Showman

I don't know what was happening in Russia in the '70's, but for whatever reason they thought Ed Roll'd Trololo was pretty hot stuff. There was a lot of radiation in the air I am assuming.

I can't figure out if he is lip syncing his own song or someone else's, but either way he isn't very good at it.
But his performance ability  is spectacular even though his face is "botox frozen" throughout the entire song.

So without any further adieu, I give you the musical stylings of Mr. Ed. Roll'd Trololo.