Showing posts from 2011

The Ultimate Christmas Gift

I can't keep it a secret any longer. I have bought you all a special musical CD that is sure to make your holidays bright and memorable. What do you get when you mix the showmanship of Liberace, and the musical prowess of...well,  his singing is in a league all it's own. Friends I give you Giorgio...

 His CD AND DVD are going fast. Don't be too surprised if they appear under your tree as a special little gift from me to you. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The Bad Case of the "Literally"

So I ran into this women the other day, she was fine, but why was she standing behind my door like that? After she pulled herself off the floor, she immediately and unnecessarily started telling me everything that was going on in her life. While I listened to an endless narration about herself; I thought “This chick surely uses the word “literally” a lot.
Don’t worry about my head,” She said “I literally have been hit in the head over 53 times, I’m telling ya, literally blunt force drama right across the kisser...literally 53 times. It literally feels great! Oh Robierto, How are you? It doesn’t matter, because I am literally the best I have ever been. I literally was thinking about you the other day, and I said Robierto is literally one of the best people that I know (OK, she didn’t really say this part, but I am writing the story, so shut up). I literally just got done with my literature class and literally it has changed my life, literally…
I don’t think the word “literally” me…

The Mall Lonely

Does going to the mall make you feel lonely?
I don’t know why but when I walk into the mall and I feel lonely. And not just lonely, but so lonely I feel the need to go sit in my car and listen to the “Carpenters” lonely.
Why is that?
I have been at the mall a lot lately trying to buy new pants to replace the ones that blew out the zipper in the “great weight gain debacle of 2011”, and I have pondered this question a lot and here is what I have come up with.
Reason 1-  I lack fashion courage. Sometimes you need someone to say, “Hey you would look good in those skinny jeans” or “those skinny jeans make your butt look big”. Sometimes when I am shopping alone I don’t get that feedback, so I end up buying skinny jeans that possibly could be a little too skinny, if you know what I mean.
Reason 2-  Sometimes I am way too tight with my money. If anything is over $20.00 or not on clearance I won’t even look twice at it. Sometimes you need someone to tell you, “Just go for it. You deserve a pair…

The Shopping of Pants

I hate buying pants. There I’ve said it. Any other article of clothing I feel pretty confident about buying…except shirts, socks, and shoes…but anything else, super confident about it.
Friends, my zipper blew out of my pants yesterday.And when I say “blew out” I literally mean that, it went flying out of my pants and hit someone in the face.
It’s all because I have put on some weight because I have started drinking egg nog a little prematurely this year. It’s a topic I don’t want really want to talk about because it makes me depressed and drives me into the loving arms of egg nog all over again. It’s a vicious cycle.
So anyway, I went to the mall yesterday hoping that I would find exactly what I was looking for, for under $20.00. Expectations a little too high? You betcha!
Can I ask a question? What is with skinny jeans, skinny dress pants, and plunging V-neck t-shirts that go to your belly button?
I don’t get it. They give me stress. How can anyone be comfortable in something so re…

The Potty Humor

OK Friends, you know I am a sucker for some good “potty humor”. Call it a weakness, but my brain just automatically goes there. And the last place that you would expect for my brain to find “potty humor” is at church. But friends I did.
So I was sitting in Elder’s Quorum trying to be spiritual and find greater meaning in my life when the teacher asked “What can we do to find greater meaning in our lives.”
And as I sat pondering the question, the brother in front of me raised his hand and said this, “Ya know brothers it’s the things that we do, do everyday that makes a difference.
Where upon I thought, “Uh huh, uh huh…what was that?”
And then he said some other things and then repeated the phrase, “Ya know brothers it’s the things that we do, do everyday that makes a difference.
And my neighbor and I slowly turned to look at each other to confirm if we were hearing correctly, and his giggles confirmed our good brother said “Doo doo” in church. And not only that, but he used the word…

The Star Wars Pageant Tribute

So my friend Stacey came over the other night and announced she wanted to try out for Miss. Daybreak 2011.

Where upon I said, "Stacey I have the best idea for your talent. I am thinking StarWars, trumpet solos, and dance."

It was a beautiful marriage of creativity and innovation. Luckily someone filmed this little gem for your viewing pleasure.

The Sales People Anxiety

Friends, I don’t know how to put this gently, but… I HATE SALES PEOPLE.
I just don’t like all that pressure when I am spending money. I like to take my time and think everything through. And sometimes I find that after a sales person gives their little schpill, I buy what they are pushing, just because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, as is evidenced by my $600.00 road bike that I have ridden five times.
Sure there are some coping techniques to get around talking to sales people such as, pretending you are on an all important cell phone call, speed walking through the store so the sales people can’t catch you, or you could just pretend you are deaf. All of which have to proven to work very well for me in the past.
Now I have been putting off buying a new mattress for about a year. But last week, laying in bed and realizing that my legs were sticking straight up in the air due to the dilapidation of my mattress, I figured it was time to start looking.
So I went to the furniture s…

The Awkward Goodbye

So recently I had an amazing experience with a group of people that I love. It was life changing and many of the people will have a lasting place in my heart.
But there was one family that I got particularly close to.
It was getting close to when we were all leaving, and I started experiencing some emotions and feelings that I felt needed to be shared.
 So I gave them a hug and launched into what I can only phrase as “emotional and verbal vomit”. It just didn't stop, it just kept coming no matter how hard I tried to hold it back There was a few of “You have changed my life” with a little dash of “you are the wind beneath my wings”, followed by a shower of tears, and rocking and holding. It was quite a scene.
But I felt good because I had emptied all the feelings that I had carried for so long about these wonderful people.We then hugged and I was about ready to head to my flight, only to hear over the radio that my flight was delayed.
Now there is something very liberating about…

The Chastity Share

Good Friends-

Do you ever have a lesson on "Chastity" in Elders Quorum? And someone raises their hand and shares some experiences where they or a family member broke the law of chastity? And you are sitting there thinking...(push play now.) Maybe those feelings should be shared within the walls of your own home. Thanks friend.

The Harry Potter Movie Mess

I have been so excited to see Harry Potter and I finally saw it last night.
So there I was dressed in my Hogwarts robe, with a lightning bolt scratched into my forehead with a twig I had fashioned into a wand. I was ready to finish up this movie saga, and put this bad boy to bed.
But for some Harry Potter fans, the excitement can be too much. As was evidenced by an explosive event that happened as we watched the movie.
So as I am sitting there enjoying the movie,  Harry is walking in to face “He who must not be named” and it happens…
Uuuurrhhhhg” and “Splat” came the sound coming two rows back.
That’s funny” said I, “That sounded like someone throwing up. But it probably is just someone groaning and spilling their drink.” I thought hopefully. But then came a small voice, “Dad, I don’t feel very ….UUUUURRRHHHHGGG”. Followed by the sound of projectile vomit hitting everything in its path. . Luckily I wasn’t hit, but what do you do when someone throws up in your close proximity? I th…

The Mother Nature Problem

In the last few weeks I have had some eye opening experiences that have reminded me how old I am. It’s not that I am in denial about my age, but sometimes Mother Nature bashes you over the head to remind you that you are no spring chicken. (Gentle laughing) That Mother Nature is a Maaad Scientist friends. I am not going to lie to you…I don’t care for her so much.
For example, the other day I came out of the mall and couldn’t find my car.
Really?” I said to myself, “Are we really to this point in my life where I can’t even remember where I parked twenty minutes ago? Really? (With my voice going up at the end)”
So there I wandered in the 100 degree heat searching for my little white Civic. When suddenly, and without warning I spotted her not 10 steps from where I was standing. Ah, It was a South Towne Shopping Center miracle, I tell you!
So I got out my key and tried to unlock the door…but nothing happened. The key didn’t feel like it was going in correctly. So I pulled out the key, l…

The Modest Swim Gear

You know how some people take a great idea and take it way too far? I present to you a case concerning modest clothing. Now I think we can agree, we need to be modest, and there have been some great strides to make our swimwear that way (Thank you to the makers of the tankini)
But, friends, there’s modesty and then there is… well, see for yourselves.

I could be wrong but this seems like a step backward, doesn’t is?
I worry about anyone swimming in these things. That just seems like too much fabric in the water; wouldn’t you just sink to the bottom of the pool? And how long does that thing take to dry? I would worry about hypothermia.
And speaking as a single man, if the girl I was dating came walking out, "pool side" in one of these numbers... definitely a deal breaker.

(Dedicated to Carol and Krystal for bring this fashion trend to my attention. I don't know if they sent this to me to make me laugh, or if they are actually sitting pool side wearing these as we speak. It…

The Best Workout

Many people ask me, “Robierto, what is your secret for staying in such fabulous shape.”
My response, “Mind your own bees wax”.

But today I will reveal to my gentle readers the secret for my shapely buns and thighs.

I usually do some aerobics in the morning. "Find it. Feel it. DO IT!"

And in the evening I like to bring my moves to the street and hit the dance clubs. My favorite moves can be found at 2:30 when we hit the “freestyle”. Wait for it...

Friends, don't hate me because I’m beautiful.

Shout out to Adrien and Kim for these great clips.

The Mysterious "U"

Here is the favorite part of my day. I walked past my co-worker’s cubicle and saw him staring out the window. Robierto: Um, Joe, what are you looking at buddy? Joe: How long has the that “U” been on the side of the mountain (referring to the gynormus U by the University of Utah). Robierto:Um, I don't know, like a hundred years. Joe: (he laughs) That’s funny. But seriously, did they put that thing up over the weekend? Robierto: No. Seriously. I really think the pioneers sectioned it off, put it in their handcarts and walked across the plains, and then reconstructed it when they arrived in the valley. It’s that old.
(But then he looked confused and I realized we weren't joking any more.
Robierto: Joe? You have never notice the "U" on the mountain before? Really? Joe: No. I just noticed it today. Robierto: But Joe, It’s over a 100 feet tall. And you have worked here for over a year with your window pointing right to it. Joe: Yeah, I don’t know. That’s so weird. You would think…

The Peter Pan Mishap

Here is a cautionary tale of the dangers of falling in love within the walls of the theater.

Once upon a time there was a young, up and coming actress by the name of Veronica. She thrilled when she saw the news that her local community theater was putting on Peter Pan, or for those of you who speak Spanish, Pedro Pan.
She was determined to be cast in the role as Peter, and she didn’t care who she had to hurt or kill to make her dream a reality.
Enter one Hank, a lowly stage hand, who never had a women show any interest in him at all. He spent his nights designing sets and figuring out how to get the pulley system to work so he could make people appear to fly during the upcoming production of Peter Pan.
Veronica knew that if she could use her feminine charms to seduce Hank, she was sure he could make it possible for her to be cast as Peter Pan. Little did Hank know that Veronica was just using him to get her Ethel Merman sized voice on the stage.
Well her plan worked and after many a night …

The Silent Appreciation

Have you ever heard someone sing in church, the song continues to build and build and build until they climax to this glorious note? And then the song finishes and that last note hangs in the air and you can hear the echo bouncing off the walls and then…silence.
And you know you are moved. And you know the singer is moved. But there is just a very loud silence, and it feels awkward because you want to communicate how much their song meant to you, and explain why the person next to you is rocking and weeping. But how do you do that?
I am not saying that we need to applaud in church, or anything. But wouldn’t it be something if we could come up with a silent way to show how much we appreciated a spiritual experience that someone has given us through a song or talk?
I am leaning towards “sprit fingers” directed in the vicinity of the speaker or musician, but I haven’t ruled out a designated individual to do a toe-touch for everyone present.
Or what about giving everyone little white boards …

The Hand Shake or the Hug

So I was at a social function last week where I spotted an old acquaintance that I hadn’t seen for a couple years. As I was walking across the room to greet them I realized I wasn’t sure what my greeting execution was going to be. Should I give a hug or a handshake?
We were good friends at one time, so I was leaning towards a hug, but then I thought it had been over 10 years, and I haven’t talked to them since college, so maybe a handshake was more appropriate.
But then I started to freak out because I wasn’t sure what mode of greeting I was going to use, and I was walking towards them. My head was screaming “Abort! Abort!”, but they had already seen me coming, so I couldn’t pivot and run out the door.
So I firmly decided I was going for the handshake because it was the safest approach. So I smiled and extended my hand, which they grabbed and pulled me in for…that’s right, a hug.
Unfortunately, because my feet were set for a hand shake, the little pull forward made me lose my balance and…

The Social Office Mate

Do you ever wonder if people are socially retarded?

I have this woman at work who stops by, and after she is done with her business she just sits in my office.

So, when I say “office” you are going to think of a room with a large desk in it with chairs in front to consult with people. But when I say “office” I mean a broom closet with a two chairs that are almost touching.

So as we sit there, knee to knee in absolute silence, I ask, “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

No.” She replies.

And then she sits there in silence looking at me.

So what do I do?
 I am very adverse to silence when two people are sitting so close together and I start to sweat and my heart starts a poundin’. What does this women want with me?

Alright then…great! Um…so. Great!”

Still, she sits there with no response.

She obviously is not aware of verbal cues, so I switched to non-verbal cues. I start shuffling papers around my desk and sighing heavily (P.S. this technique also works very well for when …

The Mode Song

This is about how I feel today.

The Fortress of Solitude

Do you ever have times when things at work get overwhelmingly hectic? The phone is ringing off the hook, people keep giving you projects, and to make matters worse, you forget to wear deodorant?
At times like this, I have found a refuge of peace in the family bathroom in our office. I don't use the facilities in the traditional way, but just like the idea that I can just shut the door and no one will disturb me.
Sometimes, I like to go in there for; oh I don’t know, like, 3 or 30 minutes just to get away from it all.
Sometimes I like to just close my eyes and shut away the world, much like the Calgon commercials of yesteryear, minus the bubbles.
As I lay on the coolness of the tile it takes all the stress away.

The Alumni Super Stars

I live a quiet life, an important but unassuming life. I think for the most part I am a pretty good person and would consider myself a high yielding member of society. But with that said, whenever the BYU alumni magazine arrives in the mail and I see what my fellow alumni are up to, I begin to question if I am doing enough.
To look at the people they spotlight, it seems they all have 12 children, are working on a second doctorate degree, are earning their 2nd billion, and yet amazingly, they still manage to spend months in Africa bandaging orphans with leprosy.
I know I should clap for them, but honestly it makes me wonder if I have squandered my learning from the BYU.
With all these feelings of inadequacy, it makes it hard for me to put my cure for cancer on the market.

The Baby Fleece Face

This is just too good.  For those of you who don't know, I am a huge fan of the Slanket...not the Snuggie. But lately I have been worried about our little people who are too small to enjoy the warmth, that is the Slanket.
But someone out there has answered the call, and has brought us this little gem of a product.
I can't help but think of the movie "Alien" every time I see this picture.
Shout out to Tori for providing the picture, and laughs

The Funniest Baby Pictures

Some babies start life with a rough start. As is evidenced by these sweet photos.

The Wonder Women Transportation Problem

So last night I couldn’t fall asleep, and for whatever reason my mind went back to the Justice League cartoon I used to watch as child.

Remember? You had Superman, Batman, Aquaman, Wonder Women and those annoying Wonder Twins with their monkey (I don’t remember what their function was because they had useless powers and really cause more problems than they fixed) and they would try to defend the Earth from crazy villains. It was a veritable Dream Team of Supers.

Every “Super” had a cool means of transportation.
Superman could fly, Batman had the Batmobile, Aquaman rode on dolphins, and Wonder Women had… an invisible jet. You heard me right friends, an invisible jet. Now the invisible jet would be cool if once Wonder Women was in her jet she would also become invisible, much like the invisibility clock from Harry Potter. That would make sense to me.

But she isn’t invisible friends; Wonder Women is clearly visible in the seated position. Which is a really weird position to be whirling thr…

My Favorite Worst Music Video

Oh those Swedish are at it again, and friends it is a wonderful mix of tackiness and great music.

I can't be sure but I think the guy is a young David Bowie, pre-Labyrinth era.

Now my favorite part of this whole thing is the dancing. I think it's fun that they got the local 30 and older glee club to come and do a routine that has nothing to do with the song at all. But they are just dancing their hearts out, and you have go to appreciate that.

And why they are hurling the space...again it's hard to say.
But enjoy the power that is my favorite worst music video.

The Greatness of Me

Do you ever do something that you would consider incredibly charitable? So charitable in fact, you feel like at anytime you will be sucked right up into heaven? And then someone  reminds that you definitely belong down here on earth with all the other turkeys? I had such an occasion as I went to go see a play over to the Hale Center Theater.
I had taken my seat and was reading over the program when I realized that I had to go to the little boys room. But as l looked down the aisle to my left there was a little old lady that looked like she had just underwent her fourth hip replacement surgery. And as I looked to my right there was a man who was on crutches. So no matter which way I went I was going to have to make one of these good people get up out of their chairs so I could get out of the aisle. I couldn’t even do the awkward shimmy past them, because heaven forbid they make aisles wide enough so people can move in and out with ease of movement.
I decided to do a “Dukes of Hazzard Leap

The Russian Showman

I don't know what was happening in Russia in the '70's, but for whatever reason they thought Ed Roll'd Trololo was pretty hot stuff. There was a lot of radiation in the air I am assuming.

I can't figure out if he is lip syncing his own song or someone else's, but either way he isn't very good at it.
But his performance ability  is spectacular even though his face is "botox frozen" throughout the entire song.

So without any further adieu, I give you the musical stylings of Mr. Ed. Roll'd Trololo.