Showing posts from April, 2013

The Forced Relaxation Excercise

So this morning I went to a seminar about reducing stress in the workplace, which, if I am being really honest, I only attended for the free light breakfast. Oh, and by "light", they meant "lite", because “breakfast” was a “create your own yogurt parfait” bar. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I walked in and didn't see an omelet bar with a whole bucket of crispy bacon waiting for me.
So there I sat listening to various ways of reducing stress in the workplace, when, out of nowhere, the speaker said, “OK everyone get on the floor. We are going to do a visualization relaxation exercise.” And instantly, I felt a surge of anxiety shot through me.
So there I was in “child’s pose” wishing that I had worn my leotard, which I usually wear under my clothes just in case something like this happens, trying to figure out why I was feeling so anxious doing random Yoga poses in my “business attire” on a conference room floor.
But as I sat there in the dimly lit…

The Overconfident Singing

Do you ever look at your program at church, and you swear someone just made up the title of the closing hymn, because you have never, in your 37 years of church, sung it?

Now everyone in my ward are what scientist call "timid singers". Our singing is almost inaudible because no one sings out.

Now, I don't like to toot my own horn about my singing, because no one likes a bragger, but I was a soloist in my fifth grade choir, thus, I am not afraid of singing out, for I, like Charlotte Church, have the voice of an angel.

So as the introduction to the song started, I thought to myself, "Rob, why don't you do everyone a favor and lead out on this song. Help these struggling saints find their inner singing voice."

 So I just jumped right in there, singing in a full, strong voice, "Ring out wild Hills, and save us...."

That's when everyone turned around and looked. And that is when I realized the organist was still playing the introduction, and I came…

The Eyebrow Trim

So those who don't know me, I don’t like to be touched.  So getting a hair cut is a very painful experience because it combines two things I hate:

1.Talking to strangers 2.Being touched my strangers

So  yesterday, I went down to Hair-i-dise City to get my hair cut by a women named Brad. Now Brad loves her body art, and yes, as you might imagine, has a tatoo of a hair dyer on her upper arm.

So as soon as I sit down, she started running her fingers through my hair, and asking me things like how I wanted my hair cut, how long I had been going bald,  and if she could give me a shampoo after. And there I was thinking, "This just got way too intimate, way too quickly."
So there she was, just a buzzin’ my hair, talkin’ about her body art and her friend Sharpay who left her husband for a bouncer, down at Port-a-Call. And then  suddenly, and without warning I see the buzzers coming at my eyes and with a quick “buzz”, “buzz” she trimmed my eyebrows, and then went right back to tel…

The Adult Show Choir

One day, will trying to balance my budget, I came up with a genius idea. I thought to myself, "With the popularity of the television program, GLEE, and adult jazzercise, why not create an adult glee club?"

Robierto, my friend, you are a creative GENIUS!

So a bunch of my crazy single friends and I got together and formed our very own show choir.

Now, because we are limited with our financial resources,  we made our own costumes. Luckily my neighbors grandma was available to choreograph our entire show. She has some sweet moves. Be prepared to be amazed at our fancy foot work.

But gentle readers, I think now we are ready to go out and public and start performing.

That's right friends, for the low, low, price of $5000.00 we could perform at your next baptism, store grand opening, or office party.

Here is a little sample of what we can do for you.
I hope you are holding on to something, because you might fall off your chair.

We actually spent most of our money on this promot…