Showing posts from 2013

The Personality Test

So I just paid $9.00 to take a personality test to help me find a new career.
I had some general ideas of different fields that I think I might be interested, like training or counseling but I felt like I needed a second witness, if you will, confirming that my career options are in fact a  field that my personality and biology are predisposed to do.
Here are some of the exciting career options that this survey says I would be great at.: ·Library Technician or Assistant·Computer Operator (Isn’t that I what I do all day any way?)·File Clerk·Utility Meter Reader·Telephone Operator·Slot Supervisor (I hope they are referring to “slot machines”)·Bus or Subway Driver·Postal Service Clerk·Costume Attendant·Parking Enforcement Worker·Gaming Dealer or Gaming Cage Worker·Parking Lot Attendant·Cook, Fast Food·Maid·Nonfarm Animal Caretaker
What?  Are they serious?
I am now really confused. None of the options I have been considering, that I have some natural raw talent in, even make the cut.
And s…

The Awkward Birthday Greeting

So the other day I ran into a co-worker, after she picked herself off the floor, I asked her how her birthday was, 'cause I am totally nice like that.
Now let me pause here to say, that I want people to think I am awesome. But it isn’t very often that I come across that way. So I wanted to acknowledge her age and congratulate her on this milestone birthday.
 I remembered my co-worker’s birthday was a big one. I knew it was a rite of passage birthday, with a big “0” behind it. But for the life of me I couldn't remember how old she was turning, but I had a hunch it had to be either 50 or 60.
After she told me about her awesome party, she recounted how she hated turning older, and getting wrinkles in various parts of her body.
Wrinkles? Getting older? Woman please! Being the amazing genius that I am, with my keen sense of deduction, I was pretty sure:
wrinkles + getting older = 50.

So I was so excited to let her know how fantastic I was, because not only did I remember her bir…

The Free Beverage and Nuts

What is it about flying that delights us so? Is it hurdling through the air at 1000 mph? Is it the bathrooms that no normal sized person can fit in to? How about the seats that never seem to recline enough to actually be comfortable?
Honestly, my favorite part of the flight is the complimentary beverage and snack. I get giddy when I hear the metal cart banging into seats and unsuspecting passenger’s legs.
In my mind the flight attendants are saying, “Robierto, and all the rest of you little people, you are being such good fliers and behaving so well…we are goin’ sneak ya’ll a little treat. Don’t tell the Captain.”
I turn into a five year old inside and actually have to talk myself down so my heart rate doesn't spike, “Robierto, be cool.  Be cool. It’s free food I know,  but let’s be cool.”
So I start flipping through the in-flight magazine, trying to find what my options are for my free beverage and snack. But some idiot has ripped out the pages,and has already filled out the c…

The Foot in the Mouth

Do you ever get too big for your britches?
I live a quiet, reserved little life, but there are moments when someone gives me a little free reign and for a while I am sky high.  Then I fly too close to the sun and I crash and burn.
So last week I was helping my friend with a 5k race in Brooklyn, New York. What was my job you ask?
My job was to get a few runners, well let’s just say 8,000 runners, pumped up before the start of the race.
Now I am a very quiet and reserved person, so the idea of getting in front of a large crowd scared me to death. But I didn't want to let my friend down so I agreed to the task.
When he handed me the microphone to start my “pumping up” extravaganza, I felt like I was going to have explosive diarrhea, and friends that wasn't going to help anyone get pumped up.
Admittedly, since I grew up in the 90’s I fell back to what I heard VJ’s say on MTV. Such things as, “You go girl” and “Gurl, you are workin’ that head band.”
But after some initial awkward…

The Inadvertent Maturation Talk

So the last couple of weeks I have been teaching at a summer camp for kids called “theater school”.
Yesterday, I had an experience that may have barred me, unintentionally, from theater school “for corrupting the minds of young children.
So there I was, trying to maintain my class full of 10 year old girls, as I was trying to teach the blocking for the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked.
You might be asking yourself, Robierto, why is a 38 year old man teaching 10 year old girls one of the most prissy and girly songs in all of musical theater?” 
Oh friend, that is a great question. A question that has made me wonder what kind of a vibe I give off, for the director to think, " Do you know who be excellent at teaching little girls how to be prissy, girly-girls?Robierto. He would be great at that!"
But there I was, trying to get their attention so I could give them some notes, because they were so excited to run their scene, again.
In mind I wanted to say, “I need your att…

The 20 Year Reunion

So this weekend was my 20 year high school reunion.  An event that has filled me with anxiety lo’ these past few weeks.

Let me describe to you how I perceived myself in high school. I never thought I was popular enough. I had a lot of acquaintances, but very few real friends. I worried every day of my high school career about who I was going to eat lunch with. I remember feeling insecure, wondering if I was a good enough student, if I was athletic enough, if I was talented enough. In short I just never felt like I was “enough”.

But after 20 years I feel a lot better about myself. I have accomplished some pretty amazing things in the last 20 years. Currently, think I have more self confidence then I have ever had in my life. So why wouldn't I want to go to my 20 high school reunion? I am freakin’ awesome! (toe touch)

So on my way to the reunion I was feeling really good about my self and my decision to attend, because after all I was no longer that insecure 18 years old boy any mo…

The Deseret Industry Treasures

So over the weekend I got to volunteer at our local thrift store, called Deseret Industries.
Ah, the sights, the sounds, and oh, the sweet, sweet, sweet, smells of people’s garbage.
It’s a pleasure and a delight to be there.

But Saturday was a special day, not because it’s the day we get ready for Sunday, but because there were some special treasures that were dropped off at the Deseret Industries that make me want to rush back and perhaps purchase them.
Item Number 1- This item was dropped off by a man, who was one of those people who you imagine plays Dungeons and Dragons in his basement, has created replicas of every weapon from Lord of the Rings out of tin foil and toilet paper tubes, and still, surprisingly, has no girlfriend.

Friends, how ‘bout a coffee table with swords attached.  “In case of Orc, goblin, or zombie attack, break glass.”

Item Number #2- As I was unloading truckload, after truckload of donations, which is fancy name for "other peoples trash", I noticed …

The Star Trek Bladder Problem

I have a problem.
My bladder is the size of a peanut.

I forgot that when I went to go see Star Trek, and chugged a small fountain drink, which if you have noticed lately aren't really small at all. The new “smalls” at a movie theater, I swear are at least 109 oz.

So there I sat nursing my “small” fountain drink, when all of a sudden as Kirk, Spock, and I left federation space, I felt a felt a little pressure on my bladder. But I thought, "I will be fine, this movie can’t be longer than 30 minutes."

An hour later, I was feeling so very uncomfortable, but I thought it is my duty as a member of Starfleet Command to stay with my crew and support them in their fight with the Klingons. What kind of a person would I be, if in the heat of battle I sashayed off to the little boy’s room?

Two hours into the movie I was HNEOKN lOIJJKO, which is Romulan for “hurtin’ fer certin”. I was in so much pain that I sat in the plank position in my chair hoping to take some pressure off my bl…

The Anonymous Text

Do you ever get a text message that says, “Hey, we are having a party and we want you to come over.”
They are not one of your contacts, and they didn't attach their name to the text.  So who in the world is this person?
The sad thing is that I really want to attend a party, but I don’t want to text them back and say, “Um...Who is this?” Because I kind of feel like I should know who they are, even though I really don't.
But this person obviously thinks we are friends, and that we are good enough friends that I would have them as one of my contacts. I fear by asking them who they are might hurt their feelings and may cause a retraction of an invite to their super fun party.
So instead of doing something, I do nothing.
Problem solved?

The Forced Relaxation Excercise

So this morning I went to a seminar about reducing stress in the workplace, which, if I am being really honest, I only attended for the free light breakfast. Oh, and by "light", they meant "lite", because “breakfast” was a “create your own yogurt parfait” bar. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I walked in and didn't see an omelet bar with a whole bucket of crispy bacon waiting for me.
So there I sat listening to various ways of reducing stress in the workplace, when, out of nowhere, the speaker said, “OK everyone get on the floor. We are going to do a visualization relaxation exercise.” And instantly, I felt a surge of anxiety shot through me.
So there I was in “child’s pose” wishing that I had worn my leotard, which I usually wear under my clothes just in case something like this happens, trying to figure out why I was feeling so anxious doing random Yoga poses in my “business attire” on a conference room floor.
But as I sat there in the dimly lit…

The Overconfident Singing

Do you ever look at your program at church, and you swear someone just made up the title of the closing hymn, because you have never, in your 37 years of church, sung it?

Now everyone in my ward are what scientist call "timid singers". Our singing is almost inaudible because no one sings out.

Now, I don't like to toot my own horn about my singing, because no one likes a bragger, but I was a soloist in my fifth grade choir, thus, I am not afraid of singing out, for I, like Charlotte Church, have the voice of an angel.

So as the introduction to the song started, I thought to myself, "Rob, why don't you do everyone a favor and lead out on this song. Help these struggling saints find their inner singing voice."

 So I just jumped right in there, singing in a full, strong voice, "Ring out wild Hills, and save us...."

That's when everyone turned around and looked. And that is when I realized the organist was still playing the introduction, and I came…

The Eyebrow Trim

So those who don't know me, I don’t like to be touched.  So getting a hair cut is a very painful experience because it combines two things I hate:

1.Talking to strangers 2.Being touched my strangers

So  yesterday, I went down to Hair-i-dise City to get my hair cut by a women named Brad. Now Brad loves her body art, and yes, as you might imagine, has a tatoo of a hair dyer on her upper arm.

So as soon as I sit down, she started running her fingers through my hair, and asking me things like how I wanted my hair cut, how long I had been going bald,  and if she could give me a shampoo after. And there I was thinking, "This just got way too intimate, way too quickly."
So there she was, just a buzzin’ my hair, talkin’ about her body art and her friend Sharpay who left her husband for a bouncer, down at Port-a-Call. And then  suddenly, and without warning I see the buzzers coming at my eyes and with a quick “buzz”, “buzz” she trimmed my eyebrows, and then went right back to tel…

The Adult Show Choir

One day, will trying to balance my budget, I came up with a genius idea. I thought to myself, "With the popularity of the television program, GLEE, and adult jazzercise, why not create an adult glee club?"

Robierto, my friend, you are a creative GENIUS!

So a bunch of my crazy single friends and I got together and formed our very own show choir.

Now, because we are limited with our financial resources,  we made our own costumes. Luckily my neighbors grandma was available to choreograph our entire show. She has some sweet moves. Be prepared to be amazed at our fancy foot work.

But gentle readers, I think now we are ready to go out and public and start performing.

That's right friends, for the low, low, price of $5000.00 we could perform at your next baptism, store grand opening, or office party.

Here is a little sample of what we can do for you.
I hope you are holding on to something, because you might fall off your chair.

We actually spent most of our money on this promot…

The Instant Hair

So I have this coworker who is bald, bald as the day is long. Ever since I have worked with him he has been that way.

About a month ago he said he was taking some time off to take care of some family affairs and would be gone 2-3 weeks.

When he returned however he looked a little different. I couldn't really put my finger on what was different about him, and it took me several seconds to figure it out.  After looking him over I realized that he now had a full head of hair. That's right friends, he got "plugs" while "taking care of his family affairs".

Now I am all for this procedure and am excited that we as a society have advanced ourselves this far into medical technology that this has become a solution for bald men all over the world. My problem with this situation is the issue of disclosure. Now if you get a nip or a tuck, most people aren't going to know, but when suddenly you have hair where there wasn't hair before, you owe people an explanat…

The Passionate Political Speech

Friends, I want to bring Phil Davison’s drive and passion into all areas of my life. I would be unstoppable…perhaps a little unstable, but unstoppable nevertheless.
There are a couple of things I have learned from Phil’s speech: When giving an important speech it’s always good to be memorized, or to at least carry your notes with you, so you avoid tedious wandering on stage and misquoting Albert Einstein.When giving an important speech its might be good to get your volume and tone right. I don’t think it would have hurt Phil, to run his speech by his peers, parents, and perhaps a few of his pets. If they run away in fear…you might want to dial it down a couple notches.

I am sad to report the Phil was not endorsed by the Stark County Republican Executive Committee, it’s hard to say way really, but I think it had something to do with the color of his tie. Who knows?

The Best of Friends

CENTERVILLE, UT— "The wife of a man accused of shooting his neighbor because he thought the neighbor was "telepathically" raping her, has now been charged with encouraging her husband to "go for it." On Oct. 30, police say Michael Selleneit took a handgun that he kept under his pillow, walked over to his neighbor's trailer andshot Tony Pierce, 41, multiple timesas the man was working in his yard. When Selleneit was arrested, he told police he shot Pierce in self-defense and intended to kill him, claiming Pierce had been "telepathically threatening he and his wife" and had telepathically raped his wife. It was a claim that Selleneit had been making for years." No story has brought me more sadness than to hear about my good friends Meloney and Michael. As I read their sad tale it makes me think of happier times when they were my neighbors in the trailer park about five years ago. But after I moved, they got busy and I got busy and we just lost t…