Sunday, May 26, 2013

The Star Trek Bladder Problem


I have a problem.
My bladder is the size of a peanut.

I forgot that when I went to go see Star Trek, and chugged a small fountain drink, which if you have noticed lately aren't really small at all. The new “smalls” at a movie theater, I swear are at least 109 oz.

So there I sat nursing my “small” fountain drink, when all of a sudden as Kirk, Spock, and I left federation space, I felt a felt a little pressure on my bladder. But I thought, "I will be fine, this movie can’t be longer than 30 minutes."

An hour later, I was feeling so very uncomfortable, but I thought it is my duty as a member of Starfleet Command to stay with my crew and support them in their fight with the Klingons. What kind of a person would I be, if in the heat of battle I sashayed off to the little boy’s room?

Two hours into the movie I was HNEOKN lOIJJKO, which is Romulan for “hurtin’ fer certin”. I was in so much pain that I sat in the plank position in my chair hoping to take some pressure off my bladder. I tried to stay with Captain Kirk, but I had to abandoned ship, because there was a time bomb about to go off inside of me.

So I did an Olympic size leap, well, it more of a crawl, over the back of the chairs and dashed to the restroom.

Feeling 109 oz lighter, I returned to my seat and found that the Starfleet mission had taken a dramatic turn.For whatever reason “Good guys” were now “bad guys”, people were crushing each others heads, phasers were not set to “stun” as they were when I ran to the bathroom. It was crazy. And everyone around me was so enthralled as to what was happening they didn’t want to take the time to explain what I had missed.

I felt like I let my friend on the Enterprise down.

Next time I go see a movie I might opt for the adult diaper. That bulk around the waist is so flattering to my Star Trek ultra mini.

1 comment:

Nathan said...

My wife is in the same boat. This is a particular problem if the movie is good and she isn't paying attention to her intake.

Also, for the record, the funniest image came into my head when I read that you had to sit in "plank position." Priceless.