The Star Trek Bladder Problem


I have a problem.
My bladder is the size of a peanut.

I forgot that when I went to go see Star Trek, and chugged a small fountain drink, which if you have noticed lately aren't really small at all. The new “smalls” at a movie theater, I swear are at least 109 oz.

So there I sat nursing my “small” fountain drink, when all of a sudden as Kirk, Spock, and I left federation space, I felt a felt a little pressure on my bladder. But I thought, "I will be fine, this movie can’t be longer than 30 minutes."

An hour later, I was feeling so very uncomfortable, but I thought it is my duty as a member of Starfleet Command to stay with my crew and support them in their fight with the Klingons. What kind of a person would I be, if in the heat of battle I sashayed off to the little boy’s room?

Two hours into the movie I was HNEOKN lOIJJKO, which is Romulan for “hurtin’ fer certin”. I was in so much pain that I sat in the plank position in my chair hoping to take some pressure off my bladder. I tried to stay with Captain Kirk, but I had to abandoned ship, because there was a time bomb about to go off inside of me.

So I did an Olympic size leap, well, it more of a crawl, over the back of the chairs and dashed to the restroom.

Feeling 109 oz lighter, I returned to my seat and found that the Starfleet mission had taken a dramatic turn.For whatever reason “Good guys” were now “bad guys”, people were crushing each others heads, phasers were not set to “stun” as they were when I ran to the bathroom. It was crazy. And everyone around me was so enthralled as to what was happening they didn’t want to take the time to explain what I had missed.

I felt like I let my friend on the Enterprise down.

Next time I go see a movie I might opt for the adult diaper. That bulk around the waist is so flattering to my Star Trek ultra mini.

Comments

Nathan said…
My wife is in the same boat. This is a particular problem if the movie is good and she isn't paying attention to her intake.

Also, for the record, the funniest image came into my head when I read that you had to sit in "plank position." Priceless.
June 12, 2013 at 9:50 AM
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