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Showing posts from July, 2009

The Hole Toilet

So I went up the canyon with some friends and had to go and use the facilities. And as I was walking towards what I thought was a bathroom, I was stopped by a very strong, not so pleasant odor. And then I realized that I wasn’t heading to a toilet at all, but a hole in the ground with a seat on top.

Now for those of you who have never been to one of these little treats in the forest, let me just say, it takes some preparation both mentally and spiritually before you go walking in.
(Sometimes I like to say a little prayer before I enter the "shanty toilet" because, and let’s be honest, when we finally die and see what hell is like it I am pretty sure it will be a tiny shanty with a “hole toilet”. If you don’t believe me friends, you lift up the toilet, stare down into that hole. If that’s not Hell ladies and gentlemen I don’t know what is.)

So I am standing outside the door taking in some deep breaths and doing some self talk, saying things like, “Rob, you are capable of doing t…

The Swimming Incident

Remember that time when I signed up to do a triathlon and failed to realize how much training it would entail to accomplish this goal without dying?Last night I went to the pool to swim what seemed like, oh I don’t know like 1000 laps. I came walking out of the locker room in my speedo (not the underwear kind but the modest to the knee number. I am not quite ready to show that much leg at the pool.), swim cap, and aerodynamic goggles, so naturally everyone expects great things from me because I look like, ya know, a professional swimmer. I appear, to the untrained eye, something like a balding, not as fit, Michael Phelps cutting through the water at amazing rates of speed.I dive in, swim my first lap and just feel great. The water felt cool in the hot summer sun and I seemed to be gliding through the water like a dolphin swabbed with baby oil. And then the burning started.After I did a flip turn I realized that my arms lack the muscle strenth to propel me through the water, my lungs w…

Possesive Pronouns

Do you ever have conversations with people and they refer to their parents like they are your parents and you all belong to the same family? I don’t know how to explain it but it happened to me today and I thought it very odd.

For example the person said something like this: “So I went with mom to the store”, “I stopped by mom and dads to help them mow their lawn.”

Why don’t they just say “So I went with my mom to the store.” or “I stopped by my parents to help them mow their lawn.”?

Is that weird to any one else? It presupposes a closeness that I want to distance myself from. That possessive pronoun is really important to me; let us not cast it off so casually.

The Shopping Crash

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Do you ever start your day off feeling great about life and the world around you, and then go to Wal-mart and within 20 minutes of shopping you become so impatient with people that you want to burn shopping carts and throw cheese samples at everyone?

It’s seems that every time I go to Wal-mart people seem to lose all sense of balance and direction. I don’t know if some how there is some weird magnetic phenomena that makes my fellow shoppers lose all sense of their depth perception, you know kind of like the Bermuda Triangle affect, but people seem to be bumping into me and other stationary objects at a rate that seems why beyond the normal average for this part of the country.

When I asked my sister if she had a similar problem at her neighborhood Wal-mart she said she did and felt is was because, and I quote, “The devil resides in Wal-mart, that is why we all feel like crap when we leave”. After my experience last night I am beginning to believe that she is right.

Last night as I was s…

The Pocket Knife

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Remember when you were a boy scout and they drummed into your brain that you should always carry a pocket knife with you at all times, just in case you had to hollow out a canoe, or kill a grizzly bear on your way home from work?

In all my years of carrying my tiny pocket knife on my key chain my only occasion to use it has been to cut those pesky threads that stick out from my ties, and trim painful hangnails that seem to snag on everything. In the moment my hangnails do seem life threatening and could warrant sharing “The Case of the Infected Hangnail” in a Den Meeting, explaining how my pocket knife has rescued me from almost certain death. But I have never really used my pocket knife to solve a major life problem or to save a life until a little experience I had on Friday that may warrant a little write up in Boys Life.

So I went to the temple for some needed spiritual enlightenment. As I returned to my locker I looked up to see that someone had slammed the handle to my garment bag…

I Got the Sweats

In the summer do you ever lie in bed cradled in a puddle of you own sweat hoping to fall asleep? You have every fan in your house going, windows open to capacity, a bag of ice on your head and yet sleep somehow eludes you?

I love the coolness of the air conditioner but I am so cheap that I don’t turn it on until I am almost to the point of absolute dehydration. How did the pioneers do it? There must have been a lot of skinny dipping going on in the blackness of night.

I am the same way in my car. I think it is because I feel like somehow I am stronger than everyone else around me. It’s like I have something to prove to myself and others by sweating through every layer of clothing I have on. Is that really showing how tough I am or how little I care about body odor in and around other people? I think people are starting to feel the latter is true.

I think my neighbors must wonder what happens to me from the time I leave work to when I arrive home. I get out of my car dripping with sweat a…