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Showing posts from 2010

The Skinny Jeans

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Now, I don’t profess to be a snazzy dresser. I think I have worn the same style since I was in high school, minus the “Zack Morris” hair.So mostly I shop over at the Wal-mart or Target to update my mid-90’s style tread.

So the other day I decided to go to a fancy store and maybe get me some upscale duds for a concert I was going to.
So there I was at the Gap, with a pair of skinny jeans that the saleswomen said would be “just darling” on me.
So I went into the dressing room and stared at myself in skinny jeans and wondered if these were really age appropriate for someone that was 35 and really enjoyed his loose fitting Levis.
That’s around the time I heard a knock at the door.
I froze and threw myself up against the wall hoping that whoever was knocking would see my legs and just move on by to the next available changing room.
Then a women’s voice said, “How are we doing in there?”
Let me just say, there is something very unsettling about hearing a sales woman’s voice through a dressing ro…

The Chia-Obama

Friends-

What in the what? Are people insane?

My friend told me about the Chi-Obama on Saturday and I said, "Surely, you gest."
Upon which she replied, "I do not Gest...and don't call me Shirley (shout out to the Leslie Neilson).

The thing that makes me laugh so hard about this is how serious they are about it. I mean, it's a Chia, not a commemorative plate or coin from the Franklin Mint...it's a chunk of pottery, and they are acting like it is a great symbol of our patriotism.

Really?

Honestly, I didn't vote for President Obama but this makes me feel sorry for him.
He has been reduced to a "Chia".

I have to say, I do the love the tackiness of it. It just screams "poor taste".
Will you all be getting one of these as your gift from me this year?
"YES...YOU...WILL!"

The Charity That Truly Faileth

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I try not to let things bother me, I know I should just let things roll off my back. But sometimes people do things that seem so out of context and rude that it really bothers me.
Case and point, after an exhausting week where I was not feeling well, sleeping maybe six hours a night and then performing in a play throughout the week, I wasn’t in top form when I arrived at church yesterday.
I taught my Gospel Doctrine Lesson and felt really blessed it went as well as it did, in spite of how exhausted and sick I felt.
Admittedly, I ran a few minutes over, and I was trying to clear out of the Relief Society room as fast as I could and talk to a man who had some questions about what we had discussed in my lesson. When all of a sudden, something happened that changed me in a deep and a profound way for the rest of the day.
A hasty sister interrupted my conversion with this elderly man and said sarcastically, “Yeah...nice lesson. Seriously, we need to set up for Relief Society (with her voice g…

The Snuggie Commercial

Friends, you know I would rather step on my lips then to criticize others, but sometimes there comes an advertisement that begs to be critiqued. That advertisment is the new Snuggie Commercial.

As you watch the attached video, here are some awesome things to look for:

1-The "Macarena" in a Snuggie. Really friends?

2-Friends is it normal for a couple to hula-hoop and juggle in the bedroom? If so, you need to see a marriage counselor, ASAP.

3-Watch the couple spooning on the couch. The guy catches a piece of popcorn in his mouth and then gets all up in his wife's face about it. In real life wouldn't you just smack him?

4-I love that his wife does the "rapid gunfighter" move with her fingers when she wins her husband at...that's right...Jenga. You gots some made skills, sister!

5- And last but definitely not least, is the man "raising the roof" at the tail end of the commercial. First off, are we really still doing that? That was sooooo 10 years …

The Taco Stand

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Sometimes I like to take my chances at the portable taco stand down the street. There is so much risk involved every time I eat there, it gives me a little thrill.
I have a 50% chance that I am going to have a fine dining experience in an open air dining facility, and have one of the best tacos I have ever had.
Conversely, I have a 50% chance that I will have a fine dining experience, followed by severe intestinal pain cause by rotten cheese or salmonella.
Ahhh, good times. I kid about food poisoning…but I uh…I do have it. I LOVE EATING AT THE TACO STAND!…well I don’t love it…but I uh…I do, do it.

The Halloween Treat

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Friends, with the passing of Halloween, and some serious reflection on how it went this year, I have some feelings I would like to share.
I have never been a huge fan of Halloween because…well to be honest it freaks me out a little bit.  I don’t know if I am overly sensitive, but to be honest, Michael Jackson’s thriller still terrifies me.
Here are some items that have also terrified me this Halloween season:  
The Complete Lack of Clothing I don’t know what happens to people in the fall, but for whatever reason, otherwise sane people just go nutty about being scantily clad on Halloween. If you want to want to wear these items around your house, good on ya’, I can support that. But don’t bring yourself into my office dressed like that.  And if you have to give a presentation at work on Halloween, maybe dressing up as Michael Phelps in only a  Speedo or as Little Bo Peep Show really isn't the best wardrobe option for ya'. It makes us all feel uncomfortable, and frankly, you should …

The Office Slanket

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It's October 28th or as my co-workers call it "Bring Your Slanket To Work" Day. I hope they weren't kidding or I could look pretty foolish today.

The Dicky

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Is it possible that “Dickys” aren’t as popular as I think they are?
My co-worker came into my office today and said, “You look nice in your turtleneck/Halloween sweater combination."
Whereupon I told her, “First of all, stop hitting on me. And secondly, it is still too warm to wear both a turtle neck and sweater. So I am wearing a “Dicky” in lieu of a turtleneck.
To which she asked, “What is a “Dicky?
And I was all, like, “Really? Only the greatest invention of our time!
So for those who have been living under a rock the past, oh I don’t know, like 20 years.A “Dicky” or, “Dickay” as they say it in France, is a shirt with no sleeves or a body, just a collar, or a neck…if we are talking along the lines of turtle necks.

All you ladies who are looking for a great gift for you husband, lover, or significant other…the “Dicky” is the answer for you!
They are cheap, look good in summer or winter. And because they come in a wide variety of colors they make a lovely addition to that tank top o…

The Brotherhood of the Costco Pants

Do you know what is hard? Finding some pants at Costco that could potentially be the pants that will look so good that you will get that promotion, find a girlfriend, and get a photo spread on INtouch magazines “Who Wore it Best? page”
But really, you can only get a general idea of how they fit by holding them up and trying them on over your Levis. If Costco is going to sell clothes shouldn’t they also provide us place where we can try on said clothes?
Why aren’t there dressing rooms in Costco, friends? What? Do they anticipate that we are all wearing Lycra Spandex as we are shopping and can just slide pants on and off? First, of all I don’t think that Lycra Spandex is a good look for anyone. And secondly, as I painfully found out last winter, once it gets cold in Utah, Lycra Spandex, is not very practical.
I guess you could pile up some bulk sized cereal boxes and make a little wall of privacy for yourself, and then hold up a gynormous frying pan to see how they fit. But I don’t know ho…

The Great Pumpkin As An Adult

Remember when you watched, “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” as a child and you thought it was an alright cartoon, it was no Loony Tunes, but it was at least watchable.
Last night I had an occasion to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” and as an adult, I have some strong concerns about these kids in the Peanuts cartoons.
What is with Charlie Brown? I don’t know if anyone followed his life after his little stint with the “Peanuts” gang, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he killed himself around the age of 14. Everyone picks on him, he can’t even make a good ghost costume, and when everyone else gets buckets of candy whalst out trick-or-treating, his friendly neighbors give him Rocks. Rocks? Really? Is that how we treat a child with low self-esteem, by giving him rocks instead of candy? If I was Charlie Brown, I would have come back in the night and returned all those rocks through their windows.
And what is with this Lucy? She’s a JERK, with a capital “J”, I don't care…

The Greatest Dressers in the Office

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Remember that time when my co-worker and I wore the same outfit to work?
What can I say, we have great taste.  But why is she shopping in the men’s department at Eddie Bauer… or am I shopping in the women’s department?  It’s hard to say really, But who cares when we both look so darn fabulous!

(Forgive the pose. We both look like we are going to our office sponsored Sadie Hawkins dance.)

The Scripture "Yea" Confusion

Here is my favorite thing that happened in church on Sunday. So I teach Sunday School and I asked for a volunteer to read a scripture for me. So this sweet sister in front raised her hand, for which I was so grateful because it usually takes five minutes for anyone to respond to me after I ask a question.
Let me pause here to say, for those who aren’t familiar with the scriptures, that one of the most commonly used phrases is “yea”, as in “yea verily”, or “yea, there was much rejoicing”, and so on and so forth.
But sometimes, you look at that word "yea" and think it’s the word “yeah”, as in “I loved that rock concert. Yeah!” or “Yeah. I really like your crimped hair”.
So you can imagine how funny it was when this sweet sister started reading thusly:
And now I say unto you that this is theorderafter which I am called,yeah, to preach unto my beloved brethren,yeah, and every one that dwelleth in the land;yeah, to preach unto all, both old and young, both bond and free;yeah, I say u…

The Funniest Writer at BYU

So when I was at the BYU there was a writer who wrote for the Daily Universe name Eric Snider. And there were so many times that I would read his column in the Harold B. Lee Library and laugh so hard that the student librarian would have to ask me to quiet down or she would have to take a "pile driver" to the back of the head.

I guess I pay homage to Eric Snider because his style of writing, as the German says to Marin Short in the hit movie "The Three Amigos", has Inschpired me.

If you have minute, or twenty you might want to browse around his past writings. My favorites are his "Declined Twilight Screenplays", good laughs.

So without further adieu, I give you Mr. Eric Snider, (pause...wait for applause)

The Costco Fear

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Don’t tell anyone, but I think I am a little scared of the sample lady over at the Costco.
Not “scared” like she is going to come at me with her hot greasy spatula, and take my wallet. Because ya know, she like 80. But “scared” of having to stand there and listen to her little memorized speech about the sample you want to...well sample. Usually, if I am fast enough, I can grab the sample while her back is turned, but sometimes I get caught, and she launches into her little speech. And instead of just standing there and saying “thank you” and walking away with my sample, like a normal person, I feel like I have to earn my sample and engage in some sort of dialogue with this woman.
I stand there nodding my head and say things like, “A whole box of these Vienna sausages for $1o.oo? You are right that is an amazing offer.” Or “That is a great suggestion for my next social gathering. I have always said that granola bars are a great appetizer for any great party.
Sometimes, because I feel lik…

The Life Saver Spark

So my coworkers were talking yesterday about fun things to do on a date. I chimed in saying that if you turn the lights out and bite into wintergreen Life Saver it will spark. A random thought I know, but none of them believed that this would actually work.
So I pulled all eight of them into my office to prove to them it was true.
Let me pause here to say my office is the size of closet and can fit possibly four very slender people comfortably. So all eight of us packed into my office was a pretty tight, fit even for the very slimmest among us.
So I turned out the lights and I told them to look directly into my mouth. So now, not only are we crammed in my office/closet, all their faces are inches away from my face, and we are standing in the dark.
Do you know what would be really awkward to have happen around this time? Oh, to have my boss what in. Guess who comes walking into my office right when I bite down on my Life Saver? My boss.
Now my boss and I have shared some awkward moments in…

The Free Samples

Friends, I am not going to lie to you, I am a sucker for free food.
My co-worker came into my office today and said, “Hey Rob, Technical Services is having a party. Do you want to come with us?” “Oh gosh no! I hate those guys.” “They are giving away free pizza.” “Well, I really should stop in and say hello.
Free food is a weakness. Even if I hate the food, if it's free I can't get enough. Which is why going to Costco is really like going out to Chuck-o-Rama for me.
If it was socially acceptable for a man to tote around a “Le Bag” I would take it with me every time I walked into Costco. (I am really not sure if these are still in circulation, but my sister had one in junior high, and all I know is that I could fit my entire body into that thing.)
Here is what I would do, I would line the Le Bag with Reynolds Plastic Wrap and fill that bad boy up with samples until I had to drag that thing out of the store.
Of course, I would have to come up with some disguises to pull this off, bu…

The Waterbed

This is so funny. My new favorite video.

The Hilarious Comparisons

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was really funny.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, …

The Spelling Communique

Remember that speaking technique that your parents used before you knew how to spell? They would say something like, “Kids your mother and I are going Home Depot to stare at lumber.” And then your dad would turn to your mom and whisper, “We are really going for P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S”.
So I was helping out at church by watching the Relief Society sister’s children while they took a “Nature Walk” around our neighborhood. That’s right a Nature Walk, which must be code for “let’s drop off our kids to those suckers at the church and get P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S at the Wal-Mart Nail Center”. And let’s be honest sisters, we live in “big town suburbia” and there isn’t any nature within walking distance, so come on, let’s get real.
So I’m sitting there with Play-doh in my hair, while 10 children are climbing all over me, when one of the brothers came in with an excited look on his face and says, “Rob, I don’t want the kids to know yet, but we have I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M if the kids are really good.
Here’s me, “O…

The "OK"

 “Oh, that’s OK”.

That’s kind of a funny thing to say to someone after they have wronged you isn’t it?
If someone has done something wrong why do we say “Oh, that’s OK” when it really is not?
For example, a couple of days ago I went to my voice teachers little studio, and I had to use the bathroom. Now when I say a bathroom, don’t think of a bathroom in the traditional sense of the word, with a little room with sink, toilet and perhaps a shower. When I use the phrase “bathroom” here, think of a closet that has been made into a bathroom.This particular bathroom must be where they got the name for “water closet” they have at those fancy hotels, ya know, like the Best Western or the Airport Ramada.
So I shimmed in, because I literally had to turn sideways to get into this tiny room, and took a seat. It was actually kind of cozy as I had to scrunch down because of the slanted ceiling. I also found it quite convenient to rest my arm on the sink as I, as my long crammed against the closed door.…

The Brady's Brick Square

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Do you ever watch “The Brady Bunch” after work? And after watching the jam cook off with Alice and Mrs. Brady, you are troubled with the square brink opening in the kitchen, next to the double ovens.What is that thing?I feel like I have watched every episode and never at anytime has that hollow brink square been addressed. And as an avid watcher I feel like I need answers Mike Brady. You are the one who designed this house, so spill it!What is that thing? Is it some sort of “dumb waiter”? And if so why haven’t the Brady children been using that to get to the bedrooms instead of climbing all those pesky stairs? Especially “older Greg” because his bedroom is all the way up in the attic and he could use a lift.I can’t even enjoy a complete episode anymore because I am so fixated on trying to figure out what that thing is.Can anyone help me out on this?

The Daisy Dukes

So here is something that made me laugh today...So in honor of Pioneer Day I told my co-workers that we should all dress up like cowboys tomorrow. But I gave them a stern warning that no one should wear their “Daisy Duke” shorts or they would get in trouble.Then one of my co-worker asked, “Oh "Daisy Dukes" shorts, like the girl from “The Dukes of Hazzard" wore? What was her name again?”And I’m all, “Um...Daisy Duke.”And then we all laughed at her until she started crying.Highlight of my day. "Come on baby, kick them Daises"

The Fight or Flight Response

Are you ever amazed at your body’s fight or flight reactions? Mine are so weird. Every time I go see a scary movie I am baffled by what my body does instinctually when confronted with fear.As I am watching a movie and someone in the movie is walking done a dark hallway, and I know at any second a monster is going to jump out and kill them, here is what my body does: My legs pull up to my chest, followed by my pointer fingers inserting themselves into my ears, while the rest of my hands extend over my eyes, but not really covering my eyes completely, they do more like a “jazz hands” thing, so I can still see what is about to happen.And then once the monster does jumps out to kill the person walking down the hallway, my body lets out an audible gasp. I am not talking about a quick breath inward; I am talking about a full on sound of a vacuum cleaner gasping, it is loud and usually causes a few stares. I honestly have been known to suck up pieces of popcorn and candy from the person sitt…

The Recital

Well friends Saturday was the big recital.I can’t tell you how nervous I was. I dreaded it all day long. I really considered purposely getting into a car accident so I wouldn’t have to go. And the beauty of it is that when my voice teacher asked why I didn’t show up, I could just say, “I would have loved to have come, but you know I got in a car accident”.I kept thinking about all the terrible things that could go wrong while singing, like forgetting the words to the song like my friend John Dakers did at his recital, passing out, or getting explosive diarrhea when I hit my really high note.Lately, I have struggle with voice lessons because I really haven’t felt like I sound anything like I have wanted to, a mixture of Josh Groban, Axel Rose, and the BYU Young Ambassadors. I just sound like boring Robierto from the block, and who would want to listen to that?Well I sang my song and I don’t really know how it went because I kind of zoned out during my entire song. All I know is that no…

The Voice Lesson

So I have been taking voice lessons for the last year. I have to say, I am not the most confident of singers in the world. In fact, singing in a small room, with one person who critiques everything about the way you sing is a little unnerving. I know I am not the best singer in the world and there have been moments that I have wanted to quit because I can’t hear that I am really improving. But my voice teacher tells me things like, “You are doing great!”, “You sing like a young Justin Bieber” and “You really made that song your own” so I have kept at it, because obviously she is seeing something I am not.So this week I arrived early to my voice lessons because I didn’t need the usual positive self-talk session that I require before each voice lesson (I usually have to sit in my car, look at myself in my rear view mirror and talk calming words to my inner child so I can make it through the next half hour singing my guts out, while sweating buckets).So as I sat outside my voice teacher’…

The Cowboy Hip-Hop

Sometimes a YouTube video comes along that just needs to be shared.Cowboy Hip-Hop. This new dance craze has got me straight up trippin’ boo!A couple of things to look for:·I love the out fits of all the dancers but especially the really tall lady with the shoulders missing from her shirt, Heidi I think her name is, and the lead dancer with spandex short underneath her denim shorts. That’s hot.·The introduction of her backup dancers is very memorable but watch specifically for the sweet moves coming from Heidi and Jaime. Priceless.·Painful moments: When she says “That’s Jammin’”, the "Country Running Man", and the variation on the "Rodger Rabbit". Wow, hard to watch, but well worth it if you can stick it out.I wonder why country hip hop never caught on? I will say that on “So You Think You Can Dance?” this year, someone actually tried out doing country hip-hop…he was cut within 10 seconds of his dance. Now that’s Jammin’!

The Toilet Paper Decision

Is the hardest part of your grocery shopping experience deciding what toilet paper to buy? Yesterday, I ran into the store just to buy toilet paper, and it took me 20 minutes to come to any sort of a conclusion as to which toilet paper would work best for my personal needs. At first, I went for the strongest and softest, the perfect comination of velvet and steel, Ultra Charmin. It almost make s you wish you had the “runs”. However, as many of you know, for whatever reason, a 4-pack of Ultra Charmin, the Mercedes-Benz of toilet paper, now can cost upwards of $5.00. Let’s be honest, why are they trying to gouge us on toilet paper? It’s nothing; it would be something if it was made out of cotton, or an exotic flower. But when you get right down to it, toilet paper is a bunch of lint stuck together on a roll. And they want $5.00 for this thing? I stood there justifying this eleborate purchase by saying, “You work so hard Rob. You deserve to be pampered at least once a day… or once a w…

The Awkward Family Portrait Website

Friends-
If you haven't discovered this website, you must. It makes me laugh so hard.
Awkward Family Photos
Enjoy

The Run

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Do you ever overestimate your athletic ability? You have run a marathon, triathlon, and won the two legged race at your office picnic this year, so when your friend invites you to run a 5k you think to yourself, “Honestly how hard can this be?”Actually pretty hard.Did I mention I haven’t run for, oh I don’t know, six months or so? And I am still running in the same shoes from last year. And I was feeling gassy the morning of? But all these things notwithstanding I am an athlete, my body will automatically snap right back into the groove once that gun goes off. Right?Let me also pause here to say that at this same race last year I placed first in my age division, so really I came into the race with a certain expectation of me winning yet again. But alas, who could have anticipated how events would unfold that would affect me in a deep in a profound way throughout the remainder of the race.So for whatever reason I couldn’t find the start of the race. I am driving around hoping they wil…

The Double Down

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Have any of you seen this little cutie at your local KFC?It’s called the “double down” and friends you all need to go try it. My life was made better by making this purchase the other day.I can’t put it into words so I will let KFC describe what it is:The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!Frankly friends, I'm a little worried about the future of bread. Why have we waited so long to have chicken fillets hold our sandwich contents together? They are delicious and nutritious, and with the Colonel’s original recipe it has the potential to make my PB and J that much better. Am I right?I double dare you to go try it. Don't think about, just do it. Your heart will thank you.

The People Magazine

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What is it about that “PEOPLE” magazine, huh?You see it at the store and classify it as scandalous.You see it in your neighbor’s home don’t you think less of them for buying that trash?But when you are at doctor’s office, what is the first magazine you reach for?Inevitably it’s the “PEOPLE” magazine, am I right?And you aren’t just skimming through it either.You are voraciously looking at every picture and caption about those “Twilight” kids (those kids are so Hot right now).What is it about the security of the doctor’s office that makes us so bold to read “PEOPLE”?It’s hard to say. All I know is, yesterday when the doctor called me back into his office I told him that he was going to have to wait a couple of minutes because I really needed to know who the 100 most beautiful people were.He laughed, and told me to come back now or I could find another Dr. But the interesting thing was, when I walked into the examination room, guess what he was thumbing through? A “PEOPLE” magazine.Yep, …

The Things I Wish to Say

Do you ever wish that you were braver then you actually were and you could say the things that you are really thinking instead of hiding behind political correctness or being nice?I do that a lot. Sometimes I sit and think of cleaver things that I wish I would have said in certain situations. I think this is why I usually only get six hours of sleep each night. So I share them now with you, hoping that amongst my readers there are at least two of you who are heartless and could use these in your every day conversations.1-“Unclean!” To be shouted from your bathroom stall when you know the person that was next to you a few moments ago didn’t wash their hands.2-“Hey, baby your too beautiful to smoke.” To be said whenever you pull up next to a lady who is smoking in a convertible. Oh, and you need to say this like Barry White.3-“Umm, yeah, buddy, I don’t know if you are aware, but, uh, YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE!” To be shouted to anyone who has a muffler that is pumping out more smoke than exha…

The Culotte

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Friends-
Do you ever see someone who is wearing a dress while they are standing still, and then they start walking and you find out that their long flowing dress, is really pants? And you bust out laughing because...what is that thing?
I saw someone wearing one of these ridiculous things out in public the other day and I thought, "I am not a fashion expert, although many of my friends say I have an quite the "eye" for some great khaki pants, but don't these things freak people out. Aren't there some rules about looking so weird in public?"
And so I have included some of my rules for the wearing of this bizarre piece of clothing, called the "culotte": Unless you are a women and have a formal gathering you need to get to, and your only means of transportation to said formal gathering is your bicycle or unicycle, you are forbade from the wearing of culottes. Unless you are a women and have a rockin' cello solo in your town symphony orchestra concert…

The Dressing Room

So I went shopping yesterday and had to try something on? And when I found the dressing room I realized that it wasn’t tucked in the back somewhere, where you would think it should be, but it was in the middle of the store. That’s correct, right next to where people were picking out a new pair of Khaki’s was the place where I was expected to disrobe and try on items.Isn’t there something so exposing about being in a dressing room? It is designed not to be, but friends, until stores make dressing room doors that reach the top of the ceiling, and all the way to the bottom of the floor, how can we be at peace in that tiny little box of a room?And it doesn’t help that they install these doors that are the size of those you might find in an old west saloon for coverage.Who are they kidding with those? They provide no protection against prying eyes.And to make matters worse I am extremely tall, so those doors on the dressing room are really covering, at best, up to my navel. So if I am tryi…

The Ken Clip

This is so funny. I love it when Ken is at the Disco. Check it.


The Job Search

Friends, in this time of economic hardship, where people of my age group are out looking for employment, I would like to share with you some observations/helpful suggestions to landing a job. Since the majority of my time at work is spent looking over applications and doing interviews, I feel I have much to offer in this area… oh, and you’re welcome.

Helpful Hint #1-
For all my Gen X-er friends out there who think it is so “awesome” to have your favorite music playing when I am waiting for you to pick up your phone, let me just clue you in on a little something. Unless the music on your phone is classical music or possibly a good John Denver ballad, take it off ASAP.

I can’t tell you how many times I have sat waiting for someone to pick up their phone while their favorite Mega Death/Slayer mix is blaring in my ear. Friends, it makes me not want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #2-
Never have one of those phone messages that goes a little something like this, “Hello…(and then I start into my conv…

The Awkward Re-run

Do you ever go over ta' the Wal-Mart to do some “roll-back” shoppin'”? It is my least favorite activity of the entire week, but you have to eat, so you go and crack it out.So last night almongst the bitter grapes in the Wal-mart produce aisle I ran into my neighbor, who I know sort of, but not really. So we just made idle chit-chat and shared some obligatory pleasentries, and then I finished with, “It was good talking to you. I will see you later.”But as I was walking down the next aisle, who did I see? My neighbor walking towards me. I didn’t realize that when I said I would see him later it would be two seconds later.What do you say? It’s not like I hated the guy but I had already finished up our last conversation and I didn’t have any fresh new material to talk to him about. So I just said the first thing that popped into my head,“Heeeeeey neighbor. Didn’t I just see you? Ha-ha! Alright we’ll talk to you later.”And then I quickly got out of there, and moved three aisles ahe…

The Reception Line

Spring is in the air friends, and as such people are falling in love and getting married.What does that means for you and I? It means a whole boat load of receptions we get to attend. Hooray (with my voice going doing at the end).And oh that dreaded reception line. I really don’t mind receptions so much, but oh that line!So I was at my cousins wedding over the weekend and stood in the line waiting for my turn to give my congratulations to the happy couple.May be I have a touch of social anxiety because talking to perfect strangers in a reception line makes me terribly uncomfortable. So I planned a head and wrote down some potential conversation starters on 3x5 cards just in case I ran out of things to say. The line was moving so smoothly. I stopped and talked to my aunt and uncle, and then moved to the groom’s parents, who I didn’t know. I shook their hands and said the obligatory “congratulations” and “so nice to meet you” and didn’t even have to whip out my 3x5 cards. And that’s whe…

The Weepy Barber

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So yesterday I went to get my hair cut, down to “Hair-a-dise City”. I was in a desperate need of a crew cut, stat.So I showed up only to realize that there were four other guys also in need a solid crew cut to start spring, so I braced myself for a wait.As I was waiting for my “crew” to be “cut”, one of the ladies, who was cutting a little girls hair at the time, received a phone call, so naturally I eavesdropped on her conversation.I couldn’t really hear the whole conversation over the cutting shears, but here is the jest of her conversation:“Hello, this is Hair-a-dise City, where the grass is green and your hair is pretty. How may I help you?”“Yeah”“OK. Bye”And that’s when the tears started. I don't know what was said on the other side of that phone but this girl didn't get “misty”, we are talking full on tears, with little gasps in between them.So, all five of us reacted as most men do when a female cries, fained like we were a sleep or acted like we were intently texting s…

The Line

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Do you every become a fan of a TV show or movie and worry that you are getting dangerously close to crossing over the line into terminal fanaticism? That is how I feel about the TV show LOST. I know I shouldn’t love it as much as a do, but heaven help me, I do. And sometimes I worry that I may be slowly crossing a line over into one of those weird fans that normal people start distancing themselves from.But luckily for me, I have seen that line and I know what it means to “cross over” into absolute fanaticism. I would like to illustrate with a story, if I may…Picture it, Provo Utah, a month before StarWars: The Phantom Menace was to open. My roommate and I were obsessed with all things StarWars. Any magazine article that even mentioned “StarsWars” we had to buy it. Any food item that was pressed into StarWars characters we had to eat it. I think we watched the StarsWars movie trailer over a thousand times. But how could we help it? We had waited our whole lives for George Lucas to com…

The IPAD Encounter

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Yesterday during stake conference I saw my first Apple IPAD sighting. I must say it was quite impressive. I don’t think anyone around this good brother holding his IPAD got anything out of stake conference because all eyes were on this amazingly large gadget.Now there are definitely going to be some draw backs to bringing your IPAD to church. The first, and obvious one, is that no one is going to be paying attention to any lesson or speaker because everyone will watching you diddling on your Ipad. They could announce the second coming over the pulpit and no one would even know because everyone around you would be so enthralled with the amazing functionality and bright colors of your high-tech machinery.Secondly, remember how back in the day when you would bring you IPHONE to church and instead of using it to follow along in the lesson, you could check sport scores and play solitaire during priesthood? And so long as you nodded your head ponderously and looked heavenward every so often…