Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Skinny Jeans

Now, I don’t profess to be a snazzy dresser. I think I have worn the same style since I was in high school, minus the “Zack Morris” hair. So mostly I shop over at the Wal-mart or Target to update my mid-90’s style tread.

So the other day I decided to go to a fancy store and maybe get me some upscale duds for a concert I was going to.

So there I was at the Gap, with a pair of skinny jeans that the saleswomen said would be “just darling” on me.

So I went into the dressing room and stared at myself in skinny jeans and wondered if these were really age appropriate for someone that was 35 and really enjoyed his loose fitting Levis.

That’s around the time I heard a knock at the door.

I froze and threw myself up against the wall hoping that whoever was knocking would see my legs and just move on by to the next available changing room.

Then a women’s voice said, “How are we doing in there?”

Let me just say, there is something very unsettling about hearing a sales woman’s voice through a dressing room door that isn’t tall enough to cover my entire body. It makes me feel very exposed and uncomfortable.

Ummm…I’m fine… (awkward pause) How are you?

I’m good. Thank you for asking. I was just wondering if I could get you something.”

Again, I am kind of new to the whole fancy shopping experience so I wasn’t quite sure what she was asking. Was she offering me some sort of refreshment like French fries or a mini quiche?

Oh, um…I’ll just have water…I think.”

No sir” she replied, “I was seeing if you needed another color or size of pant. We also have some very stylish t-shirts and dress shirts that would go great with those skinny jeans or…

So there I sat as she rattled off all the items in the store that she thought would go well with the skinny jeans that I was wearing that, let’s be honest, were cutting off the circulation in my feet.

OK, I will just be waiting for you outside” she said with an overabundance of excitement in her voice.

So after her whole little presentation was done, there was no doubt that I hated these pants, but she had gone through all this work, that a part of me felt obligated to buy them. And to make matters worse she was waiting for me outside the dressing room so I couldn't do an "army crawl" out of the store. I would have to tell her face to face that I hated these pants and then she would start crying and quite her job at the Gap. So what was I to do?

Well to make a long story short, if any of you are looking for some skinny jeans for your husband for Christmas, I happen to know a guy who is looking to give some away.

You let me know.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Chia-Obama


What in the what? Are people insane?

My friend told me about the Chi-Obama on Saturday and I said, "Surely, you gest."
Upon which she replied, "I do not Gest...and don't call me Shirley (shout out to the Leslie Neilson).

The thing that makes me laugh so hard about this is how serious they are about it. I mean, it's a Chia, not a commemorative plate or coin from the Franklin Mint...it's a chunk of pottery, and they are acting like it is a great symbol of our patriotism.


Honestly, I didn't vote for President Obama but this makes me feel sorry for him.
He has been reduced to a "Chia".

I have to say, I do the love the tackiness of it. It just screams "poor taste".
Will you all be getting one of these as your gift from me this year?

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Charity That Truly Faileth

I try not to let things bother me, I know I should just let things roll off my back. But sometimes people do things that seem so out of context and rude that it really bothers me.

Case and point, after an exhausting week where I was not feeling well, sleeping maybe six hours a night and then performing in a play throughout the week, I wasn’t in top form when I arrived at church yesterday.

I taught my Gospel Doctrine Lesson and felt really blessed it went as well as it did, in spite of how exhausted and sick I felt.

Admittedly, I ran a few minutes over, and I was trying to clear out of the Relief Society room as fast as I could and talk to a man who had some questions about what we had discussed in my lesson. When all of a sudden, something happened that changed me in a deep and a profound way for the rest of the day.

A hasty sister interrupted my conversion with this elderly man and said sarcastically, “Yeah...nice lesson. Seriously, we need to set up for Relief Society (with her voice going up at the end)”. Then she briskly put the traditional lacey fabric on the table and then sat down.

And I stood there wondering what would be the proper response to this sweet sister.

Now, I may not be an expert on the Relief Society Organization, and I have to admit I don’t really understand why the “tablecloth” is an essential part of worship services for the good sisters, but I seem to recall the motto for the Relief Society is “Charity Never Faileth”. Am I wrong in thinking that? I am pretty sure I am right.

But when a good sister approaches me in the way she did, I want to say a little something like this, “(clearing my throat) Sweet sister, you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Some of us, mostly me, who are sick, running on no sleep and feel that if they didn’t have to teach a lesson today, would be home, sick in bed. And when people are treated the way you just treated me…well ...it just makes me want to toilet paper your house."

And then I would walk away and then yell across the Relief Society Room, “Oh and by the way, if the motto of the Relief Society is “Charity Never Faileth”, which I do believe it is, your charity my good sister, faileth pretty bad. If you get worked up about making sure the table cloth is set, I would hate to see you in a real crisis.”

Then I would say, “Good day, Madam!”, and turn on my heal and walk out.

Instead of saying all that I just smiled and walked away like any good person would do.

Interestingly enough, she did wake up to her entire house covered in toilet paper…but I wouldn’t know anything about that.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Snuggie Commercial

Friends, you know I would rather step on my lips then to criticize others, but sometimes there comes an advertisement that begs to be critiqued. That advertisment is the new Snuggie Commercial.

As you watch the attached video, here are some awesome things to look for:

1-The "Macarena" in a Snuggie. Really friends?

2-Friends is it normal for a couple to hula-hoop and juggle in the bedroom? If so, you need to see a marriage counselor, ASAP.

3-Watch the couple spooning on the couch. The guy catches a piece of popcorn in his mouth and then gets all up in his wife's face about it. In real life wouldn't you just smack him?

4-I love that his wife does the "rapid gunfighter" move with her fingers when she wins her husband at...that's right...Jenga. You gots some made skills, sister!

5- And last but definitely not least, is the man "raising the roof" at the tail end of the commercial. First off, are we really still doing that? That was sooooo 10 years ago.
And secondly, he doesn't even do it right. "You just pump your arms buddy, not your whole body."
I am warning you, it's painful to watch.

People are always asking me, "Rob what is the difference between a Snuggie vs a Slanket?"
And I always say, "Better commercials."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Taco Stand

Sometimes I like to take my chances at the portable taco stand down the street. There is so much risk involved every time I eat there, it gives me a little thrill.

I have a 50% chance that I am going to have a fine dining experience in an open air dining facility, and have one of the best tacos I have ever had.

Conversely, I have a 50% chance that I will have a fine dining experience, followed by severe intestinal pain cause by rotten cheese or salmonella.

Ahhh, good times. I kid about food poisoning…but I uh…I do have it.
I LOVE EATING AT THE TACO STAND!…well I don’t love it…but I uh…I do, do it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Halloween Treat

Friends, with the passing of Halloween, and some serious reflection on how it went this year, I have some feelings I would like to share.

I have never been a huge fan of Halloween because…well to be honest it freaks me out a little bit.  I don’t know if I am overly sensitive, but to be honest, Michael Jackson’s thriller still terrifies me.

Here are some items that have also terrified me this Halloween season:  

The Complete Lack of Clothing
I don’t know what happens to people in the fall, but for whatever reason, otherwise sane people just go nutty about being scantily clad on Halloween. If you want to want to wear these items around your house, good on ya’, I can support that. But don’t bring yourself into my office dressed like that. 
And if you have to give a presentation at work on Halloween, maybe dressing up as Michael Phelps in only a  Speedo or as Little Bo Peep Show really isn't the best wardrobe option for ya'. It makes us all feel uncomfortable, and frankly, you should feel uncomfortable because your body shape and sized are not supporting you in your costume choice this Halloween season.

Children, Children Everywhere but Not a Drop to Drink
I don’t mind kids on Halloween, and I like it when my co-workers bring their children into my office for display. But I will be darned if someone I don’t even know comes into my office with a gaggle of children and expects me to give them candy. So I reluctantly give them my candy, but then they just in my office waiting for me to tell them how cute their kids are, and how much I like their costumes. 
I don’t like being pressured into a compliment so there we all sit in silence unto one of us leaves. Usually it has to me...which is awkward since it’s my office.

Do Children Trick or Treat Anymore?
This year I went all out on the candies for the little children. I bought the king sized candy bars and do ya’ know how many children came to my house? Zero, nobody. 
I was in my house dressed in my Michael Phelps Speedo costume, watching Michael Jackson’s Thriller, eating three full cases of king sized Snickers alone. That can't be good for ya'.

I really hate Halloween.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Office Slanket

It's October 28th or as my co-workers call it "Bring Your Slanket To Work" Day.
I hope they weren't kidding or I could look pretty foolish today.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Dicky

Is it possible that “Dickys” aren’t as popular as I think they are?

My co-worker came into my office today and said, “You look nice in your turtleneck/Halloween sweater combination."

Whereupon I told her, “First of all, stop hitting on me. And secondly, it is still too warm to wear both a turtle neck and sweater. So I am wearing a “Dicky” in lieu of a turtleneck.

To which she asked, “What is a “Dicky?

And I was all, like, “Really? Only the greatest invention of our time!

So for those who have been living under a rock the past, oh I don’t know, like 20 years. A “Dicky” or, “Dickay” as they say it in France, is a shirt with no sleeves or a body, just a collar, or a neck…if we are talking along the lines of turtle necks.

All you ladies who are looking for a great gift for you husband, lover, or significant other…the “Dicky” is the answer for you!

They are cheap, look good in summer or winter. And because they come in a wide variety of colors they make a lovely addition to that tank top or festive Christmas sweater.

So, buy your man a “Dicky” today and he won’t let you forget it the rest of the year.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Brotherhood of the Costco Pants

Do you know what is hard? Finding some pants at Costco that could potentially be the pants that will look so good that you will get that promotion, find a girlfriend, and get a photo spread on INtouch magazines “Who Wore it Best? page”

But really, you can only get a general idea of how they fit by holding them up and trying them on over your Levis. If Costco is going to sell clothes shouldn’t they also provide us place where we can try on said clothes?

Why aren’t there dressing rooms in Costco, friends? What? Do they anticipate that we are all wearing Lycra Spandex as we are shopping and can just slide pants on and off? First, of all I don’t think that Lycra Spandex is  a good look for anyone. And secondly, as I painfully found out last winter, once it gets cold in Utah, Lycra Spandex, is not very practical.

 I guess you could pile up some bulk sized cereal boxes and make a little wall of privacy for yourself, and then hold up a gynormous frying pan to see how they fit. But I don’t know how reliable the shiny surface of frying pan is in determining if slacks are a good fit or if they make your butt look big.

I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do while trying on clothes at Costco…you shouldn't just drop your pants in the middle of Costco and try on the slacks. They seem to frown upon that...as I found out Saturday afternoon.  

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Great Pumpkin As An Adult

Remember when you watched, “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” as a child and you thought it was an alright cartoon, it was no Loony Tunes, but it was at least watchable.

Last night I had an occasion to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown” and as an adult, I have some strong concerns about these kids in the Peanuts cartoons.

What is with Charlie Brown? I don’t know if anyone followed his life after his little stint with the “Peanuts” gang, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he killed himself around the age of 14. Everyone picks on him, he can’t even make a good ghost costume, and when everyone else gets buckets of candy whalst out trick-or-treating, his friendly neighbors give him Rocks. Rocks? Really? Is that how we treat a child with low self-esteem, by giving him rocks instead of candy? If I was Charlie Brown, I would have come back in the night and returned all those rocks through their windows.

And what is with this Lucy? She’s a JERK, with a capital “J”, I don't care what you say. I hope that once she got into middle school someone just beat the crap out of her. I am not going to lie to you…I don’t care for her.

Where are your parents Linus? You are waiting for the Great Pumpkin until four o’clock in the morning, on a school night, and no one knows where you are? Are your parents out doing crack or something? Someone call DCFS, stat!

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much last night because I was so worried about these kids. Can someone do a “Behind the Music” episode on these guys? I really am curious how they all turned out?

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Greatest Dressers in the Office

Remember that time when my co-worker and I wore the same outfit to work?
What can I say, we have great taste. 
But why is she shopping in the men’s department at Eddie Bauer… or am I shopping in the women’s department? 
It’s hard to say really, But who cares when we both look so darn fabulous!

(Forgive the pose. We both look like we are going to our office sponsored Sadie Hawkins dance.)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Scripture "Yea" Confusion

Here is my favorite thing that happened in church on Sunday. So I teach Sunday School and I asked for a volunteer to read a scripture for me. So this sweet sister in front raised her hand, for which I was so grateful because it usually takes five minutes for anyone to respond to me after I ask a question.

Let me pause here to say, for those who aren’t familiar with the scriptures, that one of the most commonly used phrases is “yea”, as in “yea verily”, or “yea, there was much rejoicing”, and so on and so forth.

But sometimes, you look at that word "yea" and think it’s the word “yeah”, as in “I loved that rock concert. Yeah!” or “Yeah. I really like your crimped hair”.

So you can imagine how funny it was when this sweet sister started reading thusly:

And now I say unto you that this is the order after which I am called, yeah, to preach unto my beloved brethren, yeah, and every one that dwelleth in the land; yeah, to preach unto all, both old and young, both bond and free; yeah, I say unto you the aged, and also the middle aged, and the rising generation; yeah, to cry unto them that they must repent and be born again.

She sounded like she was a cheerleader trying to get us amped for the second coming. And friends it worked!

Inside I was laughing so hard that I almost had to fake a dramatic spiritual experience and run out of the room. 

Such a great day at church!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Funniest Writer at BYU

So when I was at the BYU there was a writer who wrote for the Daily Universe name Eric Snider. And there were so many times that I would read his column in the Harold B. Lee Library and laugh so hard that the student librarian would have to ask me to quiet down or she would have to take a "pile driver" to the back of the head.

I guess I pay homage to Eric Snider because his style of writing, as the German says to Marin Short in the hit movie "The Three Amigos", has Inschpired me.

If you have minute, or twenty you might want to browse around his past writings. My favorites are his "Declined Twilight Screenplays", good laughs.

So without further adieu, I give you Mr. Eric Snider, (pause...wait for applause)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Costco Fear

Don’t tell anyone, but I think I am a little scared of the sample lady over at the Costco.

Not “scared” like she is going to come at me with her hot greasy spatula, and take my wallet. Because ya know, she like 80. But “scared” of having to stand there and listen to her little memorized speech about the sample you want to...well sample.
Usually, if I am fast enough, I can grab the sample while her back is turned, but sometimes I get caught, and she launches into her little speech. And instead of just standing there and saying “thank you” and walking away with my sample, like a normal person, I feel like I have to earn my sample and engage in some sort of dialogue with this woman.

 I stand there nodding my head and say things like, “A whole box of these Vienna sausages for $1o.oo? You are right that is an amazing offer. Or “That is a great suggestion for my next social gathering. I have always said that granola bars are a great appetizer for any great party.

Sometimes, because I feel like I need them to feel good about the little show they just put on for me, I will say, “Oh that three bean salad was so great. I am going buy three boxes of that”. Then I will load up my cart, turn the corner, and when no one is looking I will deposit the unwanted item on the next aisle behind the huge boxes of “Easy Mac”.  Needless to say, leaving Costco takes me several hours because I spend most of my time hiding products I don’t actually intend to buy.

I wish I could grab my sample and before the sweet sample lady launches into her little presentation, and say, “Save it grandma, I am just here for the snacks.”

But I am far too nice for that.  I will just continue to falsely build the sample lady’s confidence, and stash products I don’t really intend to buy throughout Costco. 

That’s seems so much nicer to me. Don’t you think? 

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Life Saver Spark

So my coworkers were talking yesterday about fun things to do on a date. I chimed in saying that if you turn the lights out and bite into wintergreen Life Saver it will spark. A random thought I know, but none of them believed that this would actually work.

So I pulled all eight of them into my office to prove to them it was true.

Let me pause here to say my office is the size of closet and can fit possibly four very slender people comfortably. So all eight of us packed into my office was a pretty tight, fit even for the very slimmest among us.

So I turned out the lights and I told them to look directly into my mouth. So now, not only are we crammed in my office/closet, all their faces are inches away from my face, and we are standing in the dark.

Do you know what would be really awkward to have happen around this time?
Oh, to have my boss what in.  
Guess who comes walking into my office right when I bite down on my Life Saver?
My boss.

Now my boss and I have shared some awkward moments in the past, lest, we forget the terribly embarrassing Electric Slide” incident about two months ago. So, as soon as I saw the light from the door opening, slicing the blackness of our tightly gathered Lifesaver experience, I knew great awkwardness was about to ensue.

So…um…what are you guys doing?” my boss asked.
Well that’s a stupid question. Isn’t obvious what we are doing in the dark with everyone looking into my mouth. The question you should be asking yourself is why you aren’t in here with us having a great time.” I replied to myself, thinking this might have been a funnier way to address the awkwardness instead of what actually occurred.

We all just stood there. No one moved. I think we collectively thought that if we just held still he wouldn’t be able to see us. That didn’t work quit like it did when we were kids. So we all slowly melted out of our poses and all my co-worker left me with my boss staring at me.

All I could say was, “Would you…ah… like a Life Saver?

Needless to say, I may be out of the job any day now.

So if anyone needs someone to teach line dancing or fun games you can play in the dark, you let me know.  I will be awaiting your call.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Free Samples

Friends, I am not going to lie to you, I am a sucker for free food.

My co-worker came into my office today and said, “Hey Rob, Technical Services is having a party. Do you want to come with us?
Oh gosh no! I hate those guys.”
They are giving away free pizza.”
Well, I really should stop in and say hello.

Free food is a weakness. Even if I hate the food, if it's free I can't get enough. Which is why going to Costco is really like going out to Chuck-o-Rama for me.

If it was socially acceptable for a man to tote around a “Le Bag” I would take it with me every time I walked into Costco. (I am really not sure if these are still in circulation, but my sister had one in junior high, and all I know is that I could fit my entire body into that thing.)

Here is what I would do, I would line the Le Bag with Reynolds Plastic Wrap and fill that bad boy up with samples until I had to drag that thing out of the store.

Of course, I would have to come up with some disguises to pull this off, but friends something has got to be done, stuffing samples into my pockets has become a bit of a mess. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Hilarious Comparisons

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was really funny.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Spelling Communique

Remember that speaking technique that your parents used before you knew how to spell? They would say something like, “Kids your mother and I are going Home Depot to stare at lumber.” And then your dad would turn to your mom and whisper, “We are really going for P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S”. 

So I was helping out at church by watching the Relief Society sister’s children while they took a “Nature Walk” around our neighborhood. That’s right a Nature Walk, which must be code for “let’s drop off our kids to those suckers at the church and get P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S at the Wal-Mart Nail Center”.  And let’s be honest sisters, we live in “big town suburbia” and there isn’t any nature within walking distance, so come on, let’s get real.

So I’m sitting there with Play-doh in my hair, while 10 children are climbing all over me, when one of the brothers came in with an excited look on his face and says, “Rob, I don’t want the kids to know yet, but we have I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M if the kids are really good.

Here’s me, “OK. I-C…UM…OK, one more time. What do we have for the kids?

He said it slower this time, “We have I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M.”

I just smiled and acted like I knew what he had spelled even though I really could had no idea what he was talking about.

Let me pause her to say that I am not stupid. But for whatever reason I just wasn’t getting this form of communication. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have kids and don’t use this method of communication as often as I should. I was just out of practice that’s all. Right?

So this good brother realized I still wasn’t getting what he was spelling because I wasn’t as excited as he was. So he picked up a piece of chalk and then wrote I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M on the chalk board.

And then I blurted out like the people on the “$10,000 Pyriamid, “Oh Ice Cream

Where upon all the children starting jumping up and down, trampling all of the adult baby sitters in a mad rush for the kitchen to get their ice cream.

Everyone else looked at me like I was a retard, because I released the “top secret ice cream information”. OOOHHHH. Come on guys don’t be so D-U-m…um…Don’t be so S-T-U-P…Ohh brother.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The "OK"

 “Oh, that’s OK”.

That’s kind of a funny thing to say to someone after they have wronged you isn’t it?

If someone has done something wrong why do we say “Oh, that’s OK” when it really is not?

For example, a couple of days ago I went to my voice teachers little studio, and I had to use the bathroom. Now when I say a bathroom, don’t think of a bathroom in the traditional sense of the word, with a little room with sink, toilet and perhaps a shower. When I use the phrase “bathroom” here,  think of a closet that has been made into a bathroom.  This particular bathroom must be where they got the name for “water closet” they have at those fancy hotels, ya know, like the Best Western or the Airport Ramada.

So I shimmed in, because I literally had to turn sideways to get into this tiny room, and took a seat. It was actually kind of cozy as I had to scrunch down because of the slanted ceiling.  I also found it quite convenient to rest my arm on the sink as I, as my long crammed against the closed door.

My comfy rest was quickly interrupted however, as I heard someone approaching the bathroom door. So I did what any sane person does when they question the reliability of a bathroom lock…I started whistling and clearing my throat so they would know that this little water closet was “occupado”.

But for whatever reason she started jiggling the door knob.

What? Didn’t I make it abundantly clear with all my whistling and throat clearing that I was in there?
So I shouted, “Just a minute.  Someone is in here.
To which she responded, “I’m so sorry”.
Which I followed up with, “Oh, That’s OK

That’s OK”? 
Is it really OK? Again, that is an interesting phrase to use.

I can see her on the other side of the door thinking, “Well he did say it was ok, so I am going to try to get into this micro-bathroom because he obviously doesn’t mind an extra person in there. It’ll be like a little pee party.”

Do you see what I am driving at friends? I know we are just trying to be nice, but when someone is trying to bust into the bathroom door while you’re doing your business, shouldn’t we cast aside pleasantries and get to the point of what we want?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe we can say something like “I forgive you sweet friend, now slowing step away from the door and let’s never speak of this again” or “Touch the door handle again and I will break your hand”, ya know something subtle like that.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Brady's Brick Square

Do you ever watch “The Brady Bunch” after work?

And after watching the jam cook off with Alice and Mrs. Brady, you are troubled with the square brink opening in the kitchen, next to the double ovens.

What is that thing?

I feel like I have watched every episode and never at anytime has that hollow brink square been addressed. And as an avid watcher I feel like I need answers Mike Brady. You are the one who designed this house, so spill it!

What is that thing? Is it some sort of “dumb waiter”? And if so why haven’t the Brady children been using that to get to the bedrooms instead of climbing all those pesky stairs? Especially “older Greg” because his bedroom is all the way up in the attic and he could use a lift.

I can’t even enjoy a complete episode anymore because I am so fixated on trying to figure out what that thing is.

Can anyone help me out on this?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Daisy Dukes

So here is something that made me laugh today...

So in honor of Pioneer Day I told my co-workers that we should all dress up like cowboys tomorrow. But I gave them a stern warning that no one should wear their “Daisy Duke” shorts or they would get in trouble.

Then one of my co-worker asked, “Oh "Daisy Dukes" shorts, like the girl from “The Dukes of Hazzard" wore? What was her name again?”

And I’m all, “Um...Daisy Duke.”

And then we all laughed at her until she started crying.

Highlight of my day.

"Come on baby, kick them Daises"

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Fight or Flight Response

Are you ever amazed at your body’s fight or flight reactions? Mine are so weird.

Every time I go see a scary movie I am baffled by what my body does instinctually when confronted with fear.

As I am watching a movie and someone in the movie is walking done a dark hallway, and I know at any second a monster is going to jump out and kill them, here is what my body does: My legs pull up to my chest, followed by my pointer fingers inserting themselves into my ears, while the rest of my hands extend over my eyes, but not really covering my eyes completely, they do more like a “jazz hands” thing, so I can still see what is about to happen.

And then once the monster does jumps out to kill the person walking down the hallway, my body lets out an audible gasp. I am not talking about a quick breath inward; I am talking about a full on sound of a vacuum cleaner gasping, it is loud and usually causes a few stares. I honestly have been known to suck up pieces of popcorn and candy from the person sitting in front of me. It’s that powerful.

And then for some odd reason my legs jet forward, while my arms fly out to my side. I have injured the person next to me multiple times, and have launched the person in front of me out of their seat.

I am not sure what my body thinks it is accomplishing when it does all these things, but I worry that if a monster sneaks into my house to kill me, my first response is going to be me in the fetal position, with my hands covering my eyes, taking in huge breaths, and flailing my limbs every which way.

I could be wrong, but I don’t know if that is really going to help me survive the attack, do you?

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Recital

Well friends Saturday was the big recital. I can’t tell you how nervous I was. I dreaded it all day long.

I really considered purposely getting into a car accident so I wouldn’t have to go. And the beauty of it is that when my voice teacher asked why I didn’t show up, I could just say, “I would have loved to have come, but you know I got in a car accident”.

I kept thinking about all the terrible things that could go wrong while singing, like forgetting the words to the song like my friend John Dakers did at his recital, passing out, or getting explosive diarrhea when I hit my really high note.

Lately, I have struggle with voice lessons because I really haven’t felt like I sound anything like I have wanted to, a mixture of Josh Groban, Axel Rose, and the BYU Young Ambassadors. I just sound like boring Robierto from the block, and who would want to listen to that?

Well I sang my song and I don’t really know how it went because I kind of zoned out during my entire song. All I know is that no one walked out, booed, or got explosive diarrhea when I hit my high note.

Sadly, I didn’t invite anyone I knew to my recital because I was pretty sure they would have given me the oligatory “Good job” and “You are my favorite singer besides Axel Rose”. But afterwards I felt like I needed someone to rate me, judge me, or tell me how I did. Where is that Simon Cowell when you need him?

Afterwards I walked dejectedly out to my car unsure of how I did, unsure if I really wanted to continue talking voice lessons, and felt downright scared I just didn’t do very well.

But as I waked toward my car a man grabbed my arm and said, “You did a good job in there.”

Sometimes I appreciate a perfect stranger giving me a compliment because you know they wouldn’t say anything unless they actually feel like it was warranted.

As I drove home singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me” I was grateful for this man who inspired me to continue on my journey of developing my talents. Thanks stinky homeless man, for your kindness has made all the difference.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The Voice Lesson

So I have been taking voice lessons for the last year. I have to say, I am not the most confident of singers in the world. In fact, singing in a small room, with one person who critiques everything about the way you sing is a little unnerving.

I know I am not the best singer in the world and there have been moments that I have wanted to quit because I can’t hear that I am really improving. But my voice teacher tells me things like, “You are doing great!”, “You sing like a young Justin Bieber” and “You really made that song your own” so I have kept at it, because obviously she is seeing something I am not.

So this week I arrived early to my voice lessons because I didn’t need the usual positive self-talk session that I require before each voice lesson (I usually have to sit in my car, look at myself in my rear view mirror and talk calming words to my inner child so I can make it through the next half hour singing my guts out, while sweating buckets).

So as I sat outside my voice teacher’s studio door I listened to the last part of the girl who has voice lessons before me. She was singing a song that I didn’t recognize, but after listening to the lyrics I realized it was a Taylor Swift song, which I liked until I heard her sing it. Bless her heart, she couldn’t hit a right note if there was only one key on a piano. It was painful to listen to, but she sang with such vigor that I had to admire her courage to sing that way in front of an actual human being.

After she finished her off key rendition of the massacred Taylor Swift song, I was anxious to hear what my voice teacher would say to her. And here are the words that fell from her lips, “You are doing great!” “You sing like a young Taylor Swift”, and “You made that song your own”.

I sat there in shock. These are the same words she says to me almost weekly. Was I the male version of this young girl? Do I sound so bad that the only way she can get her “short bus” vocal student to come back is by stroking their already fragile singing egos? How dare she turn her vocal studio into a den of lies!

Needless to say, the whole experience has left me a little uneasy about my recital on Saturday.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Cowboy Hip-Hop

Sometimes a YouTube video comes along that just needs to be shared.

Cowboy Hip-Hop. This new dance craze has got me straight up trippin’ boo!

A couple of things to look for:

· I love the out fits of all the dancers but especially the really tall lady with the shoulders missing from her shirt, Heidi I think her name is, and the lead dancer with spandex short underneath her denim shorts. That’s hot.

· The introduction of her backup dancers is very memorable but watch specifically for the sweet moves coming from Heidi and Jaime. Priceless.

· Painful moments: When she says “That’s Jammin’”, the "Country Running Man", and the variation on the "Rodger Rabbit". Wow, hard to watch, but well worth it if you can stick it out.I wonder why country hip hop never caught on?

I will say that on “So You Think You Can Dance?” this year, someone actually tried out doing country hip-hop…he was cut within 10 seconds of his dance.

Now that’s Jammin’!

Monday, June 28, 2010

The Toilet Paper Decision

Is the hardest part of your grocery shopping experience deciding what toilet paper to buy?
Yesterday, I ran into the store just to buy toilet paper, and it took me 20 minutes to come to any sort of a conclusion as to which toilet paper would work best for my personal needs.
At first, I went for the strongest and softest, the perfect comination of velvet and steel, Ultra Charmin. It almost make s you wish you had the “runs”.
However, as many of you know, for whatever reason, a 4-pack of Ultra Charmin, the Mercedes-Benz of toilet paper, now can cost upwards of $5.00.
Let’s be honest, why are they trying to gouge us on toilet paper? It’s nothing; it would be something if it was made out of cotton, or an exotic flower. But when you get right down to it, toilet paper is a bunch of lint stuck together on a roll. And they want $5.00 for this thing?
I stood there justifying this eleborate purchase by saying, “You work so hard Rob. You deserve to be pampered at least once a day… or once a week depending if I am eating my Activia like Jamie Lee Curtis wants me to.
But because I am on a budget and trying to save some money I swung the toilet paper purchasing pendulum to other side of the aisle. I put the luxury toilet paper down and picked up the rainbow variety picnic napkins that only cost .89 for a quantity of 800, and considered using them as toilet paper. I could save a boat load of cash, but on the downside could all that pastel dye cause an unforeseen skin reaction in an area where I don’t need to be scratching all day long? I don’t even get me started about the softness factor…
So I was back to toilet paper square one, deciding which toilet paper to buy.
Finally, after 20 minutes of going back and forth, I bought the generic brand “Petal Soft” for $3.00 and felt like it was a good balance of luxory and frugality.
It’s too early to tell how I feel about it since I didn’t take my Activia today. Hopefully it will be a good buck for my bang.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Run

Do you ever overestimate your athletic ability? You have run a marathon, triathlon, and won the two legged race at your office picnic this year, so when your friend invites you to run a 5k you think to yourself, “Honestly how hard can this be?”

Actually pretty hard.

Did I mention I haven’t run for, oh I don’t know, six months or so? And I am still running in the same shoes from last year. And I was feeling gassy the morning of? But all these things notwithstanding I am an athlete, my body will automatically snap right back into the groove once that gun goes off. Right?

Let me also pause here to say that at this same race last year I placed first in my age division, so really I came into the race with a certain expectation of me winning yet again. But alas, who could have anticipated how events would unfold that would affect me in a deep in a profound way throughout the remainder of the race.

So for whatever reason I couldn’t find the start of the race. I am driving around hoping they will wait until I arrive, because I won last year, and it ain’t no party, unless it’s a Rob Abney party. Am I RIGHT?

I pull in right when the gun went off to start the race. So I jumped out of my car, trying to take off my sweat pants while running at the same time. So I couldn’t get them over my shoes but I just keep running with them down around my knees.

I really need to purchase some “pull away” sweat pants like they have in the NBA or at a local strip club, because I am afraid I looked really stupid.

So I am running a long, and feel like I am running in slow motion, in fact I might as well have been running backwards with how slow I was going. Everyone else was passing by me so quickly and I just needed to stop and take a little breather until my second wind kicked in. It never came, so I decided to take a short break at the 1 mile mark where they were serving water to get my head back in the game. Well, 30 minutes later and after a refreshing 15 cups of water I continued on.

I finished the race with a time of 60 minutes. Yep, I ran about a 20 minute mile, a very nice clip if I may say so.

Needless, to say I didn’t win this year. In fact, I think I came in last, well not dead last, one of my friends accidently went the wrong way and ended up running the 10K.

So the take away lesson from this experience friends is never put your confidence in last year’s win…and don’t show up late…and always wear “tear away” sweats.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Double Down

Have any of you seen this little cutie at your local KFC? It’s called the “double down” and friends you all need to go try it. My life was made better by making this purchase the other day.

I can’t put it into words so I will let KFC describe what it is:

The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!

Frankly friends, I'm a little worried about the future of bread. Why have we waited so long to have chicken fillets hold our sandwich contents together? They are delicious and nutritious, and with the Colonel’s original recipe it has the potential to make my PB and J that much better. Am I right?

I double dare you to go try it.

Don't think about, just do it.

Your heart will thank you.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The People Magazine

What is it about that “PEOPLE” magazine, huh?

You see it at the store and classify it as scandalous.

You see it in your neighbor’s home don’t you think less of them for buying that trash?

But when you are at doctor’s office, what is the first magazine you reach for?

Inevitably it’s the “PEOPLE” magazine, am I right?

And you aren’t just skimming through it either. You are voraciously looking at every picture and caption about those “Twilight” kids (those kids are so Hot right now).

What is it about the security of the doctor’s office that makes us so bold to read “PEOPLE”?

It’s hard to say. All I know is, yesterday when the doctor called me back into his office I told him that he was going to have to wait a couple of minutes because I really needed to know who the 100 most beautiful people were.

He laughed, and told me to come back now or I could find another Dr.

But the interesting thing was, when I walked into the examination room, guess what he was thumbing through? A “PEOPLE” magazine.

Yep, there is something about the Dr.’s office that gives all of us, including the Dr., the permission to look at trash unabashedly.

And for that I am grateful.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Things I Wish to Say

Do you ever wish that you were braver then you actually were and you could say the things that you are really thinking instead of hiding behind political correctness or being nice?

I do that a lot. Sometimes I sit and think of cleaver things that I wish I would have said in certain situations. I think this is why I usually only get six hours of sleep each night.

So I share them now with you, hoping that amongst my readers there are at least two of you who are heartless and could use these in your every day conversations.

1- Unclean!” To be shouted from your bathroom stall when you know the person that was next to you a few moments ago didn’t wash their hands.

2- Hey, baby your too beautiful to smoke.” To be said whenever you pull up next to a lady who is smoking in a convertible. Oh, and you need to say this like Barry White.

3- Umm, yeah, buddy, I don’t know if you are aware, but, uh, YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE!” To be shouted to anyone who has a muffler that is pumping out more smoke than exhaust.

4- Ah, sir you dropped this, and I am pretty sure you meant to put it in the proper receptacle”. To be said to anyone who flicks there ciggie on the sidewalk or out their car window.

5- I have no response to that” To be said after someone comments in your Sunday School class after a twenty minute tangent about something that has nothing to do with your lesson.

6- Oh, grow a set” To be said whenever anyone complains about something I ask them to do, like massage my feet.

7- I don’t know who you are, or where you come from. But from now on, you will do as I tell you. OK?” To be said to any child who gives me back talk.

8- Oh really? Well then you don’t know how to “kid” properly, because we both should be laughing.” To be said whenever anyone gives me a backhanded compliment, and then follows it up with “I’m only kiddin”.

9- Are you crying? Really? Oh my…are you really crying?" To be said whenever anyone cries over a Nicholas Sparks movie.

10 Your words are like fists. So please keep your hands to yourself.” To be said whenever anyone says my sexual harassment presentation was boring.

Take them for what their worth. And let me know if they gave you any satisfaction saying them aloud.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Culotte


Do you ever see someone who is wearing a dress while they are standing still, and then they start walking and you find out that their long flowing dress, is really pants? And you bust out laughing because...what is that thing?

I saw someone wearing one of these ridiculous things out in public the other day and I thought, "I am not a fashion expert, although many of my friends say I have an quite the "eye" for some great khaki pants, but don't these things freak people out. Aren't there some rules about looking so weird in public?"

And so I have included some of my rules for the wearing of this bizarre piece of clothing, called the "culotte":
  • Unless you are a women and have a formal gathering you need to get to, and your only means of transportation to said formal gathering is your bicycle or unicycle, you are forbade from the wearing of culottes.
  • Unless you are a women and have a rockin' cello solo in your town symphony orchestra concert, and you have to steady your cello with your knees and look formal at the same time , you are forbade from wearing culottes.
  • Unless you are a female martial artist who rode your bicycle to a formal dinner, where you were playing your cello and you were attacked by some ninjas, and you were concerned about modesty when you did your "high kicks",...you are forbade from the wearing of the culottes.

If you don't fit into any of these three categories and you decide to wear the culottes...I may have to a call the fashion police. Be warned.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Dressing Room

So I went shopping yesterday and had to try something on? And when I found the dressing room I realized that it wasn’t tucked in the back somewhere, where you would think it should be, but it was in the middle of the store. That’s correct, right next to where people were picking out a new pair of Khaki’s was the place where I was expected to disrobe and try on items.

Isn’t there something so exposing about being in a dressing room? It is designed not to be, but friends, until stores make dressing room doors that reach the top of the ceiling, and all the way to the bottom of the floor, how can we be at peace in that tiny little box of a room?

And it doesn’t help that they install these doors that are the size of those you might find in an old west saloon for coverage. Who are they kidding with those? They provide no protection against prying eyes.

And to make matters worse I am extremely tall, so those doors on the dressing room are really covering, at best, up to my navel. So if I am trying on a shirt, I really have to squat, which is never an attractive look for a man, so I can be somewhat modest by covering up my upper body.

And I can’t help but feel kind of like a burlesque dancer in there, except not as confident? I am showing various limbs above the door and dropping clothing on the floor. So if any pervert is watching, they could be getting quite a show.

So instead of giving fellow customers the satisfaction, I ended up squatting, and crouching on the chair in the dressing room so I could hide my entire body behind those puny doors.

And then inevitably you always have that one stray kid who has wondered away from his mother who is in the next stall doing the “squat and crouch” on her chair. And he decides to sneak away and stick his head underneath your stall to say “hello”. Which causes you to lose your footing and you slip off you chair onto the floor in your underpants, where everyone can see you struggling on the floor.

And women wonder why men don’t love to shop.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Ken Clip

This is so funny. I love it when Ken is at the Disco. Check it.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Job Search

Friends, in this time of economic hardship, where people of my age group are out looking for employment, I would like to share with you some observations/helpful suggestions to landing a job. Since the majority of my time at work is spent looking over applications and doing interviews, I feel I have much to offer in this area… oh, and you’re welcome.

Helpful Hint #1-
For all my Gen X-er friends out there who think it is so “awesome” to have your favorite music playing when I am waiting for you to pick up your phone, let me just clue you in on a little something. Unless the music on your phone is classical music or possibly a good John Denver ballad, take it off ASAP.

I can’t tell you how many times I have sat waiting for someone to pick up their phone while their favorite Mega Death/Slayer mix is blaring in my ear. Friends, it makes me not want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #2-
Never have one of those phone messages that goes a little something like this, “Hello…(and then I start into my conversation, which goes on until I hear…) Oh, sorry I am not home. Leave me a message….”

It makes me feel stupid. I don’t like it. It makes me not want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #3-
When I ask for your email on your application and you put your handle as, Copkiller@yahoo.com, Bigpimpin@gmail.com, and my personal favorite, footlong****@msn.com it doesn’t look good. And worse than that friend, it makes me blush, in so much, that I don’t want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #4-
When I bring you in for your interview, and I ask you why you think you would be qualified for this position in law enforcement, and you say, “Well I just got out of a regional treatment center and know the inner workings of a lockdown facility.”, I have to pause…because I don’t even know how to respond to your answer. Sure it makes me want to cry, but sweet friend, it makes me not want to hire you.

It is a tough market out there, and I want to hire my Gen X friends.
So using terminology that they will understand, “Pull your heads out, and stop being such tools!”

FYI, all these experiences are too real I am afraid.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Awkward Re-run

Do you ever go over ta' the Wal-Mart to do some “roll-back” shoppin'”? It is my least favorite activity of the entire week, but you have to eat, so you go and crack it out.

So last night almongst the bitter grapes in the Wal-mart produce aisle I ran into my neighbor, who I know sort of, but not really. So we just made idle chit-chat and shared some obligatory pleasentries, and then I finished with, “It was good talking to you. I will see you later.

But as I was walking down the next aisle, who did I see? My neighbor walking towards me. I didn’t realize that when I said I would see him later it would be two seconds later.

What do you say? It’s not like I hated the guy but I had already finished up our last conversation and I didn’t have any fresh new material to talk to him about. So I just said the first thing that popped into my head,

Heeeeeey neighbor. Didn’t I just see you? Ha-ha! Alright we’ll talk to you later.

And then I quickly got out of there, and moved three aisles ahead of him so this awkwardness wouldn’t continue.

So, there I was in the toilet paper aisle, squeezing me some Charmin Ultra (which, by the way, if you haven’t tried it, is a little piece of heaven on your blind side) when I run into my neighbor again. So, my heart is pounding and I just want to run the opposite way with my cart. But I am a grown up, so through a strained smile, I do the pretend “punch in the stomach” and say, “I keep running into you!”. And then I bolt with my cart and run five aisles ahead of him.

I don’t know if we had identical shopping lists but I sware I ran into him like three more times. So by the fifth "run in", the situation has gotten so awkward, that when we saw each other heading down the same aisle toward each other we didn't even make eye contact, and pretended we were complete strangers, even though we are trying to figure out the social etiquette to alleviate these awkward feelings we both were experiencing.

So I finally, I had to actually take a time out because the whole situation has gotten out of control. I actually hid in a clothing rack until I could see he was finished with his shopping, so I could finish mine.

And I just want to say here, my neighbor isn’t a bad person, he is good people, but it’s the situation that is so awkward. It’s talking to someone, actually giving them a farewell or a “we should get together for lunch” and then rounding the corner and seeing them again…and againand again.

Why is that so awkward? I am not sure, but it usually sends my feelings of social anxiety through the roof!

So finally, I get my shopping done, drive home, pull into my parking stall and start unloading my groceries, and you’ll never believe who pulled in right next to me.

Yep…my neighbor.

(dedicated to Molly-Noooo)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Reception Line

Spring is in the air friends, and as such people are falling in love and getting married.

What does that means for you and I? It means a whole boat load of receptions we get to attend. Hooray (with my voice going doing at the end).

And oh that dreaded reception line. I really don’t mind receptions so much, but oh that line!

So I was at my cousins wedding over the weekend and stood in the line waiting for my turn to give my congratulations to the happy couple. May be I have a touch of social anxiety because talking to perfect strangers in a reception line makes me terribly uncomfortable. So I planned a head and wrote down some potential conversation starters on 3x5 cards just in case I ran out of things to say.

The line was moving so smoothly. I stopped and talked to my aunt and uncle, and then moved to the groom’s parents, who I didn’t know. I shook their hands and said the obligatory “congratulations” and “so nice to meet you” and didn’t even have to whip out my 3x5 cards. And that’s when the line came to a total and complete stand still.

So now what? I had already discussed with the groom’s parents all the wedding pleasantries that I knew. What could I have talked about now? The rainforest, global warming, the cast of Jersey Shore. Were these appropriate conversations to have in a reception line? It's hard to say.

So there we stood in absolute silence, smiling…looking at each other…looking down…looking back at each other…smiling, praying that one of us could come up with something to talk about…but nothing. So we went back to smiling…looking down…etc.

After a while they got tired of me, so they just turned and talked to each other. I was left standing there feeling like I was invading their privacy, and almost said, “Hey, guys what you talking about?”.

So ten minutes later I was still standing there, sweating, and about ready to have an anxiety attack. In my mind I just swore at the guy in front of me and pleaded with him to please stop talking, so the line could start moving and I could get out of this dangerously awkward situation

And just at the point I almost reached over and pushed this talkative "friend" into the wedding cake, my good cousin told him that they needed to keep the line moving. Ah, sweet relief!

So I looked at the Grooms parents, smiled and said, “It was an absolute pleasure talking to you both.

I think I am going to start bringing Boggle with me to receptions just in case the line stalls again. That way the groom’s parents and I can play a quick round, as opposed to all that loud awkward silence.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Weepy Barber

So yesterday I went to get my hair cut, down to “Hair-a-dise City”.

I was in a desperate need of a crew cut, stat.

So I showed up only to realize that there were four other guys also in need a solid crew cut to start spring, so I braced myself for a wait.

As I was waiting for my “crew” to be “cut”, one of the ladies, who was cutting a little girls hair at the time, received a phone call, so naturally I eavesdropped on her conversation.

I couldn’t really hear the whole conversation over the cutting shears, but here is the jest of her conversation:

“Hello, this is Hair-a-dise City, where the grass is green and your hair is pretty. How may I help you?”


“OK. Bye”

And that’s when the tears started. I don't know what was said on the other side of that phone but this girl didn't get “misty”, we are talking full on tears, with little gasps in between them.

So, all five of us reacted as most men do when a female cries, fained like we were a sleep or acted like we were intently texting someone.

To my surprise, after she hung up the phone, still sobbing, she just went right back to cutting this little girl’s hair. The little girl and her father didn’t know what to make of this, so all us at "Hair-a-dise City" were silent except for her occasional sniffles.

Now what is right thing to do here friends?

Should I go take the shears out of her hand, and hold her?

Should I try to cut this young girl’s hair and go tell this sweet sister to go lie down with a cold compress?

Well, someone had to do something because can you imagine what kind of a haircut she would give if those were angry tears streaming down her face?

And now days later, I can verify that those were angry tears she was crying, as per my terrible haircut.

I feel I can only blame myself.

Why are men programmed to become socially retarded when women start crying? It's hard to say.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Line

Do you every become a fan of a TV show or movie and worry that you are getting dangerously close to crossing over the line into terminal fanaticism?

That is how I feel about the TV show LOST. I know I shouldn’t love it as much as a do, but heaven help me, I do. And sometimes I worry that I may be slowly crossing a line over into one of those weird fans that normal people start distancing themselves from.

But luckily for me, I have seen that line and I know what it means to “cross over” into absolute fanaticism. I would like to illustrate with a story, if I may…

Picture it, Provo Utah, a month before StarWars: The Phantom Menace was to open. My roommate and I were obsessed with all things StarWars. Any magazine article that even mentioned “StarsWars” we had to buy it. Any food item that was pressed into StarWars characters we had to eat it. I think we watched the StarsWars movie trailer over a thousand times. But how could we help it? We had waited our whole lives for George Lucas to come clean on his promise to make the prequels to our favorite movies (Let me pause hear to say how disappointed we were after we actually saw the prequels). How could we not be excited?

So one day my roommate came home and said that we should go camp outside the movie theater for a month so we could be the first people in Utah to see Episode I. I was a little reluctant at first, but we filled my backpack with StarWars fruit snacks, and granola bars (why we thought this would sustain us for a month I will never know) grabbed our sleeping bags and headed to the movie theater.

As we pulled into the movie theatre our excitement was quickly silenced by what we saw immediately ahead of us. What we saw friends, and prepare yourselves for this, was a “StarWars Shanty Town”. That’s right, tarps and tents filled with StarWars fans that we would be spending the month with.

Here are some the highlights of what we saw: two young padawan learners who were having an intense lightsaber battle with plastic swords, a grown man putting on Darth Maul make-up, and my personal favorite, the man reading a StarWars comic in a Queen Amadala blow up chair.

We sat in silence for a minute, looked at the mess before us, and then I said, “Sooooooo, you, ah…wanna head home?”

Yeeeaahhhh” my roommate said slowly, “Leeetttt’ssss head home.

So my friends, that story always serves as a powerful reminder to me as to what it means to, “cross the line” in regards to crazy fanaticism.

I bring this up because I may, or may not have created a LOST “smoke monster” costume out of a grey leotard, cotton balls and a mobile fog machine.

Have I crossed the line? It’s hard to say.

Monday, April 26, 2010

The IPAD Encounter

Yesterday during stake conference I saw my first Apple IPAD sighting. I must say it was quite impressive. I don’t think anyone around this good brother holding his IPAD got anything out of stake conference because all eyes were on this amazingly large gadget.

Now there are definitely going to be some draw backs to bringing your IPAD to church. The first, and obvious one, is that no one is going to be paying attention to any lesson or speaker because everyone will watching you diddling on your Ipad. They could announce the second coming over the pulpit and no one would even know because everyone around you would be so enthralled with the amazing functionality and bright colors of your high-tech machinery.

Secondly, remember how back in the day when you would bring you IPHONE to church and instead of using it to follow along in the lesson, you could check sport scores and play solitaire during priesthood? And so long as you nodded your head ponderously and looked heavenward every so often, no one was the wiser.

Well, with this new IPAD those days are long since over. You might as well be playing solitaire on a billboard than be playing it on your IPAD, because friends we can all see exactly what you are doing 50 feet away.

So the first time we see you check scores, play solitaire, or watch a movie during church, I am afraid I am going to have to confiscate your IPAD.

As Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Promise me good brother; you will only use your IPAD for good.