The Hole Toilet

So I went up the canyon with some friends and had to go and use the facilities. And as I was walking towards what I thought was a bathroom, I was stopped by a very strong, not so pleasant odor. And then I realized that I wasn’t heading to a toilet at all, but a hole in the ground with a seat on top.

Now for those of you who have never been to one of these little treats in the forest, let me just say, it takes some preparation both mentally and spiritually before you go walking in.
(Sometimes I like to say a little prayer before I enter the "shanty toilet" because, and let’s be honest, when we finally die and see what hell is like it I am pretty sure it will be a tiny shanty with a “hole toilet”. If you don’t believe me friends, you lift up the toilet, stare down into that hole. If that’s not Hell ladies and gentlemen I don’t know what is.)

So I am standing outside the door taking in some deep breaths and doing some self talk, saying things like, “Rob, you are capable of doing this. What is hard for others is easy for you.”
So I finally steeled myself to the task at hand and said, “Give me this mountain, give me this challenge”.

I held my breath, opened the door, and walked in ready to face whatever would befall me.
Now, I always promise myself that I am not going to look down into the hole. It’s disgusting and usually causes me to throw up a little bit in my mouth. I fight and fight my urge not to look down but inevitably curiosity gets a hold of me and I do and then dry heave and then accidently breath through my nose, which causes me to dry heave again. It’s just a vicious cycle.

For those of you who have never experienced this adventurous bathroom experience let me give you some tips.

First of all, almost always the lock on the door is broken so you must hold the door shut with your feet or your spare hand whichever is most convenient for you.

Secondly, give that seat a good looking over before you have a sit. Heaven only knows what kind of wildlife is creeping under that toilet seat waiting to take a bite out of you.

Thirdly, be vigilant friends, always remember to be vigilant. Once you are seated you will notice all kinds of bugs, spiders, and the occasional bird that will come creeping toward you once your pants are down. Whalst your one hand or foot is holding the door shut the other hand or foot should be waving raucously to ward off any invading creatures. (Mind those mosquitoes as well; they love that blood from your bum.)

Lastly, work fast. Don’t doddle in there. You mission is to get in and get out with a clean pair of pants and your life intact.

Finally, there is no greater sense of freedom in all the world then walking out and taking a deep breath of fresh mountain air after the experiment in terror, which is the “hole toilet”. Sometimes I just burst right into “God Bless America” for good measure.