The Nice Guy

So I am really sensitive about others feelings, maybe to a fault.

Yesterday, I went to give blood. It’s true. I don’t really love the pain but I do love the treats they give you after. Usually I fain dizziness and they let me stay there for like two hours where I proceed to eat my weight in chips, candy, and V8 Juice.

So I was lying there ready for that two inch needle to suckle at my ample vein, when my phlebotomist, Trish, came over and discussed what was going to happen.

With my super power of over sensitivity, I deduced that Trish was very nervous and perhaps this might be the first time that she has ever drawn blood from an actual human being.

So being the nice person that I am, I thought I would "kill her with kindness" and make this a glorious experience for her to calm her nerves and make her feel like a superstar.

So she stuck the needle in my arm, and friends, oh the pain. She might as well have been pouring lemon juice into a paper cut with the burning and stinging I was experiencing laying in that Craftmatic Adjustable Chair.

I didn’t want to say anything to her because I was afraid I was going to hurt her feelings, but friends I was hurtin’ for certain.

She asked, “Now how does that feel?”

Great”, I said with strained smile and tears rolling down my checks.

Friends, the pain continued up my arm and then settled right behind my eyeball, which began to twitch violently.

A few minutes passed and she said, “Rob, how are you doing.”

At this point I was uable to make any vocal sounds, so I just gave her the thumbs up and laid my head back in pain.

So finally, being the perceptive phlebotomist that Trish was, she said, “Rob, you have told me you are OK, but the sweat soaking through your shirt and your violently twitching eye seem to be telling me you are in pain. Is that correct?

I nodded. And she then proceeded to pull out the needle a titch and all the pain went away, except for the twitching in my eye, which may or may not ever fully heal.

Friends, why do we do such things? From here on out, I call that pain trumps nice-ness. Too many times I have been nice at the dentist, the doctor, and the phlebotomist where I have been in extreme pain and said nothing in fear they would feel bad about themselves.

I have learned these simple phrases that I feel will help me and you:

Hey buddy, I can feel everything you are doing to my tooth! Be a pal and top me off with some more Novocain…and while you are up, hit me hard with some “laughing gas”.

“Seriously? Seriously. Do you soak your hands in ice water before you do a hernia check? Come on brother. Seriously!"

Um… yeah…it seems that blood is shooting out of my arm.”

Learn these phrases three and you will not have to suffer as I have, lo these many years.


Heidi said…
I've discovered, the hard way, that it takes approximately 1.5 times the anesthetic for me to get completely numb. I will keep your phrases in my wallet on a laminated card just in case the pain makes me unable to speak next time I'm at the dentist.
just the post i needed today. thanks for the laugh!!

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