Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Singleness-ship

Ah, being single. Isn’t it funny how everyone around you feels sad for you because of your singleness-ship? Most people feel that every night you must go home to a lonely house filled with cats, fall upon your bed and cry yourselves to sleep every night.

Sure there are times that it gets lonely and you wish you had someone to spoon with, but for the most part, the majority of the “singles” I know live fairly normal and productive lives, well except that weird guy down the street who comes to church dressed as a Anakin Skywalker and refers to everyone as “Padawan (insert you name here)” in lo of the normal “brother” and “sister”.

So you can imagine that as a “single” I have heard some things from the “marrieds” that make me wonder how normal some of them are. Some of the things they say make me wonder how they ever got married in the first place with such poor social skills.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I know that most people mean well when they say things to those of use that are not married. But as a representative of all single people I ask that you think through your comments before you actually make them.

Here are some of my favorites that you “marrieds” just might want to take note of:

1-The Phantom Elbow Grabber- This one always catches me off guard. So I am sitting in a church meeting talking about, well let’s say, oh I don’t know, faith. Keep in mind I am not thinking about being single because, well, ya know the lesson is on faith. And then from out of the congregation an older women immerges and immediately cups the fleshy part of my elbow, leans into my ear and says, “It will happen someday”. And then she disappears just as she mysteriously as she arrived, never to be seen at church again. And you’re standing thinking, “What was that?”

Two things are going on here. Number one, don’t ever grab the fleshy part of someone’s elbow, it just is really uncomfortable and a little creepy to be honest.

Number two, if you are going to say, “It will happen someday” make sure you give a little context to the person as to what will happen someday. What will happen someday? Lunch, bowling on Wednesday, the end of the world, What? Spit it out women!

And if you must make comments like that, tell us why you feel impressed to share them instead of darting out of the room and out of our lives forever.

2-Blind Date Offers- Now friends, I know everyone means well when it comes to blind dating. I have had many offers to go on blind dates, but sometimes I have to question why the “marrieds” think we have anything in common with a potential blind date.

Just as a review, I might go out with someone because we have a similar personality, enjoy the same activities, or even have the same birth mark of the state of Florida on the small of our backs.

I get a lot of this from the “marrieds” as to the reason why they think I am a perfect match for their special friends: “You both have so much in common, you are both single”, or “you both have so much in common you are both tall”.

OK. So I have been to enough 50th wedding anniversaries’ to know that couples rarely attribute the longevity of their marriage to their similar height ratio. I could be wrong but I think there is a little bit more to having common interests than just that.

So again, not to harp on my good married brothers and sisters, but let’s just think through some of our statements to our single friends. We would appreciate it and we won’t have to toilet paper you house.

6 comments:

j said...

I also enjoy how the fact that they married the first person they dated makes them an "expert" on the dating process.

Heidi said...

Bless you! People act as if being single is some kind of sin...oh, so many things I could say that I generally keep to myself. ha ha. I actually told one of my busybody aunts last weekend that I'm not worried about getting married, and that I'd rather be single the rest of my life than settle. That shut her up. :)

(What's fun is NOT getting those comments/offers anymore and wondering if they've just given up on you...lol!)

Erin said...

I also say bless you. We do enjoy our single lives immensely, don't we
?! I know I do!!
Bless those 'marrieds' too.

Kris said...

I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt so strongly about the elbow grab. After all these years instead of bringing you into our circle of friendship we were just driving you away. And sensitizing to elbow touch forever after. So sorry for the damage we have done.

angababe said...

My favorite is the fact that a lot of married people feel guilty for being married, especially at wedding receptions. Last week, at such a reception, someone told me, "You are gorgeous! That is definitely not the reason you're single." (In other words, there must be something else wrong with you.)

Bart said...

Now I know who toilet papered my house. Did you HAVE to use Quilted Northern 2-ply? That stuff's just hard to get off when the sprinklers make them soggy. I wish you'd just take the pressure off me and quit asking me to line you up. Don't be surprised when you find a dog poop bomb on your front porch, I'm just sayin'...