Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Forced Relaxation Excercise

So this morning I went to a seminar about reducing stress in the workplace, which, if I am being really honest, I only attended for the free light breakfast. Oh, and by "light", they meant "lite", because “breakfast” was a “create your own yogurt parfait” bar. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I walked in and didn't see an omelet bar with a whole bucket of crispy bacon waiting for me.

So there I sat listening to various ways of reducing stress in the workplace, when, out of nowhere, the speaker said, “OK everyone get on the floor. We are going to do a visualization relaxation exercise.” And instantly, I felt a surge of anxiety shot through me.

So there I was in “child’s pose” wishing that I had worn my leotard, which I usually wear under my clothes just in case something like this happens, trying to figure out why I was feeling so anxious doing random Yoga poses in my “business attire” on a conference room floor.

But as I sat there in the dimly lit room, a couple of thoughts floated through my mind.

Anxiety Cause #1- I always assume someone is going to walk in, turn on the lights, and an be like,  “ Um, look at these idiots in their dress clothes doing “downward dog. They look so silly.
It would be different if we were all close friends getting together to work out, but we are total strangers, we haven’t even been introduce yet, and here we are performing this very intimate action of lying on the floor together.

Anxiety Cause #2 -Could it be that I have had too much fruit in my yogurt parfait and I may or may not have been feeling just a touch gassy? It's hard to say, but what I will say is: Yoga + Gassy Stomach = Terrible Consequences. 

Anxiety Cause #3 - Here is what my anxiety boils down to.  How dare someone force me to relax!  It’s as if this instructor was saying “You cannot be trusted to relax on your own, so you will relax now, and you will like it. Stop crying and RELAX!”

'Scuse me? You Relax! I will relax when I am good and ready. 
In the meantime, I will be soothing my anxiety by meeting chicks at the yogurt parfait bar.

Friday, April 19, 2013

The Overconfident Singing

Do you ever look at your program at church, and you swear someone just made up the title of the closing hymn, because you have never, in your 37 years of church, sung it?

Now everyone in my ward are what scientist call "timid singers". Our singing is almost inaudible because no one sings out.

Now, I don't like to toot my own horn about my singing, because no one likes a bragger, but I was a soloist in my fifth grade choir, thus, I am not afraid of singing out, for I, like Charlotte Church, have the voice of an angel.

So as the introduction to the song started, I thought to myself, "Rob, why don't you do everyone a favor and lead out on this song. Help these struggling saints find their inner singing voice."

 So I just jumped right in there, singing in a full, strong voice, "Ring out wild Hills, and save us...."

That's when everyone turned around and looked. And that is when I realized the organist was still playing the introduction, and I came in about three measures early.

Now in this moment what do you do?
You already have everyone's full attention, so whatever you do is going to be noticed.

You wanna know what I did? Well, like any mature adult, I just smiled, gave a friendly nod...and then faked a nose bleed and walked out of the meeting.

That's what grown ups do, Right?

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The Eyebrow Trim

So those who don't know me, I don’t like to be touched.  So getting a hair cut is a very painful experience because it combines two things I hate:

1.       Talking to strangers
2.       Being touched my strangers

So  yesterday, I went down to Hair-i-dise City to get my hair cut by a women named Brad. Now Brad loves her body art, and yes, as you might imagine, has a tatoo of a hair dyer on her upper arm.

So as soon as I sit down, she started running her fingers through my hair, and asking me things like how I wanted my hair cut, how long I had been going bald,  and if she could give me a shampoo after.
And there I was thinking, "This just got way too intimate, way too quickly."

So there she was, just a buzzin’ my hair, talkin’ about her body art and her friend Sharpay who left her husband for a bouncer, down at Port-a-Call. And then  suddenly, and without warning I see the buzzers coming at my eyes and with a quick “buzz”, “buzz” she trimmed my eyebrows, and then went right back to telling me about Sharpay’s new boyfriend.

I was in shocked. What just happened?,

 I acted normal on the outside, but inside I was like, “Brad, what the Sam are you doing? You don’t come near someones “eye holes” with a rapidly moving sharp object. This face is my money maker. You stay up top. That is your home base, don’t deviate from that area.”

And when is trimming someones eyebrows part of the regular hair cut routine? Is that standard now or was Brad doing her own thing?

I know I have one or two hairs jetting out of my eyebrows that are like, I don't know, seven inches long. But I am a man, and as such I will take care of them the old fashioned way...with a pair of rusty tweezers that I found in the bathroom drawer. Thank you.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Adult Show Choir

One day, will trying to balance my budget, I came up with a genius idea. I thought to myself, "With the popularity of the television program, GLEE, and adult jazzercise, why not create an adult glee club?"

Robierto, my friend, you are a creative GENIUS!

So a bunch of my crazy single friends and I got together and formed our very own show choir.

Now, because we are limited with our financial resources,  we made our own costumes. Luckily my neighbors grandma was available to choreograph our entire show. She has some sweet moves. Be prepared to be amazed at our fancy foot work.

But gentle readers, I think now we are ready to go out and public and start performing.

That's right friends, for the low, low, price of $5000.00 we could perform at your next baptism, store grand opening, or office party.

Here is a little sample of what we can do for you.
I hope you are holding on to something, because you might fall off your chair.

We actually spent most of our money on this promotional video, so we really need you to soon as possible.