Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Free Beverage and Nuts

What is it about flying that delights us so?
Is it hurdling through the air at 1000 mph?
Is it the bathrooms that no normal sized person can fit in to?
How about the seats that never seem to recline enough to actually be comfortable?

Honestly, my favorite part of the flight is the complimentary beverage and snack.
I get giddy when I hear the metal cart banging into seats and unsuspecting passenger’s legs.

In my mind the flight attendants are saying, “Robierto, and all the rest of you little people, you are being such good fliers and behaving so well…we are goin’ sneak ya’ll a little treat. Don’t tell the Captain.”

I turn into a five year old inside and actually have to talk myself down so my heart rate doesn't spike, “Robierto, be cool.  Be cool. It’s free food I know,  but let’s be cool.”

So I start flipping through the in-flight magazine, trying to find what my options are for my free beverage and snack. But some idiot has ripped out the pages,and has already filled out the crossword and Sudoku…and those flight attendants are two rows away.

So now I am totally panicking. “OK Robierto let’s think logically here and break this down. You know that if you get tomato juice they will give you a whole can, which will be good… but that will make you gassy, and it’s a five hour flight. But if we go with Ginger Ale, you will only get half a can, but you actually like Ginger Ale. Why am I cursed with such difficult decisions?”
So now the cart is one row away.

Robierto, you have got to make up your mind. Tomato juice or Ginger Ale? Come on buddy you can do this!?

So now the cart has now arrived. And the flight attendant says, “Sir, can I get you a complementary beverage, followed by a light snack.

So I just blurt out, “Yes, I will have some…

Oh not you sir, I was talking to your neighbor.”

So now I am even more nervous because I got shot down by a flight attendant.
So finally she gets to me, “Sir, can I get you a beverage and light sn…
Yes. Yes, you can. Yes. I, I will have a, um, a tomato juice with a, um, peanuts.

Which isn't really what I wanted but I panicked. So I savored my whole can of tomato juice, and tiny bag of three peanuts, while wishing I would have gotten the Ginger Ale and cookies.

Was I gassy? Yes. Do I regret my decision…possibly.
But friends, I just love that with the purchase of your $5000.00 plan ticket you get a free, FREE beverage. FREE!
I mean what isn't incredibly exciting about that?
That’s got to be the best deal in town.

Monday, September 16, 2013

The Foot in the Mouth

Do you ever get too big for your britches?

I live a quiet, reserved little life, but there are moments when someone gives me a little free reign and for a while I am sky high.  Then I fly too close to the sun and I crash and burn.

So last week I was helping my friend with a 5k race in Brooklyn, New York.
What was my job you ask?

My job was to get a few runners, well let’s just say 8,000 runners, pumped up before the start of the race.

Now I am a very quiet and reserved person, so the idea of getting in front of a large crowd scared me to death. But I didn't want to let my friend down so I agreed to the task.

When he handed me the microphone to start my “pumping up” extravaganza, I felt like I was going to have explosive diarrhea, and friends that wasn't going to help anyone get pumped up.

Admittedly, since I grew up in the 90’s I fell back to what I heard VJ’s say on MTV. Such things as, “You go girl” and “Gurl, you are workin’ that head band.”

But after some initial awkwardness, and 8000 weird looks from my friends in Brooklyn I was flying high. I had those runners in the palm of my hand. I was throwing out swag. They were dancing. I was rapping. It 
was a beautiful thing.
And then it happened…

Now keep in mind we were in Brooklyn, New York. Now, Brooklyn is not known for the niceness of their people. This is where people die. I knew most runners at the race were packing heat in their lycra spandex and sports bras. So I was trying to do my best not to anger my friends in Brooklyn.

But friends as the time past, I got a too little excited, and forgot to think before I opened my mouth.
Again keep in mind I am in Brooklyn, New York in front of 8,000 people.
Here is what I said,

Me: “We are so excited to be here with you beautiful people in the BRONX!”
Runners:  (A very loud silence)
Me: Come on my friends from the BRONX. Show me how excited you are to be here today!
Runner: And then a child’s voice, simple and clear rang out over the awkward silence, “We are from BROOKLYN.”

OH, Dang” thought I, as I saw hands reaching into their lycra spandex and sports bras.

What do I do here? There was no place to run. No words or witty comments that could smooth over the damage that had been done. No amount of knee high socks or fanny packs I could throw out that could heal the damage of mixing up the name of their fair city.

So I did what any sane person would do. I pulled out my gun and started the race, and yelled, “Have a good race Brooklyn!” and started the race 15 minutes early.

I think I handled the situation really well.  A gun shot can erase a lot of bad memories from people’s minds, I have found.

Although, uh, I didn’t get an invitation to attend next year’s race.
So, um…yeah.