The Days and Nights of Robierto

Friends, I am not going to lie to you, I am a sucker for free food. My co-worker came into my office today and said, “ Hey Rob, Technical Services is having a party. Do you want to come with us? ” “ Oh gosh no! I hate those guys .” “ They are giving away free pizza .” “ Well, I really should stop in and say hello. ” Free food is a weakness. Even if I hate the food, if it's free I can't get enough. Which is why going to Costco is really like going out to Chuck-o-Rama for me. If it was socially acceptable for a man to tote around a “ Le Bag ” I would take it with me every time I walked into Costco . ( I am really not sure if these are still in circulation, but my sister had one in junior high, and all I know is that I could fit my entire body into that thing. ) Here is what I would do, I would line the Le Bag with Reynolds Plastic Wrap and fill that bad boy up with samples until I had to drag that thing out of the store. Of course, I would have to come up with some disgu...

This is so funny. My new favorite video.

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was really funny. Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers. Here are last year's winners..... 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, ...

Remember that speaking technique that your parents used before you knew how to spell? They would say something like, “ Kids your mother and I are going Home Depot to stare at lumber . ” And then your dad would turn to your mom and whisper, “ We are really going for P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S ”.   So I was helping out at church by watching the Relief Society sister’s children while they took a “Nature Walk” around our neighborhood. That’s right a Nature Walk, which must be code for “ let’s drop off our kids to those suckers at the church and get  P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S  at the Wal-Mart Nail Center ”.   And let’s be honest sisters, we live in “big town suburbia” and there isn’t any nature within walking distance, so come on, let’s get real. So I’m sitting there with Play-doh in my hair, while 10 children are climbing all over me, when one of the brothers came in with an excited look on his face and says, “ Rob, I don’t want the kids to know yet, but we have I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M ...

 “ Oh, that’s OK ”. That’s kind of a funny thing to say to someone after they have wronged you isn’t it? If someone has done something wrong why do we say “ Oh, that’s OK ” when it really is not? For example, a couple of days ago I went to my voice teachers little studio, and I had to use the bathroom. Now when I say a bathroom, don’t think of a bathroom in the traditional sense of the word, with a little room with sink, toilet and perhaps a shower. When I use the phrase “bathroom” here,   think of a closet that has been made into a bathroom.   This particular bathroom must be where they got the name for “water closet” they have at those fancy hotels, ya know, like the Best Western or the Airport Ramada. So I shimmed in, because I literally had to turn sideways to get into this tiny room, and took a seat. It was actually kind of cozy as I had to scrunch down because of the slanted ceiling.   I also found it quite convenient to rest my arm on the sink as I, as my...