Friday, August 27, 2010

The Free Samples

Friends, I am not going to lie to you, I am a sucker for free food.

My co-worker came into my office today and said, “Hey Rob, Technical Services is having a party. Do you want to come with us?
Oh gosh no! I hate those guys.”
They are giving away free pizza.”
Well, I really should stop in and say hello.

Free food is a weakness. Even if I hate the food, if it's free I can't get enough. Which is why going to Costco is really like going out to Chuck-o-Rama for me.

If it was socially acceptable for a man to tote around a “Le Bag” I would take it with me every time I walked into Costco. (I am really not sure if these are still in circulation, but my sister had one in junior high, and all I know is that I could fit my entire body into that thing.)

Here is what I would do, I would line the Le Bag with Reynolds Plastic Wrap and fill that bad boy up with samples until I had to drag that thing out of the store.

Of course, I would have to come up with some disguises to pull this off, but friends something has got to be done, stuffing samples into my pockets has become a bit of a mess. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Waterbed

This is so funny. My new favorite video.

Friday, August 6, 2010

The Hilarious Comparisons

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was really funny.

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Spelling Communique

Remember that speaking technique that your parents used before you knew how to spell? They would say something like, “Kids your mother and I are going Home Depot to stare at lumber.” And then your dad would turn to your mom and whisper, “We are really going for P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S”. 

So I was helping out at church by watching the Relief Society sister’s children while they took a “Nature Walk” around our neighborhood. That’s right a Nature Walk, which must be code for “let’s drop off our kids to those suckers at the church and get P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E-S at the Wal-Mart Nail Center”.  And let’s be honest sisters, we live in “big town suburbia” and there isn’t any nature within walking distance, so come on, let’s get real.

So I’m sitting there with Play-doh in my hair, while 10 children are climbing all over me, when one of the brothers came in with an excited look on his face and says, “Rob, I don’t want the kids to know yet, but we have I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M if the kids are really good.

Here’s me, “OK. I-C…UM…OK, one more time. What do we have for the kids?

He said it slower this time, “We have I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M.”

I just smiled and acted like I knew what he had spelled even though I really could had no idea what he was talking about.

Let me pause her to say that I am not stupid. But for whatever reason I just wasn’t getting this form of communication. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have kids and don’t use this method of communication as often as I should. I was just out of practice that’s all. Right?

So this good brother realized I still wasn’t getting what he was spelling because I wasn’t as excited as he was. So he picked up a piece of chalk and then wrote I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M on the chalk board.

And then I blurted out like the people on the “$10,000 Pyriamid, “Oh Ice Cream

Where upon all the children starting jumping up and down, trampling all of the adult baby sitters in a mad rush for the kitchen to get their ice cream.

Everyone else looked at me like I was a retard, because I released the “top secret ice cream information”. OOOHHHH. Come on guys don’t be so D-U-m…um…Don’t be so S-T-U-P…Ohh brother.

Monday, August 2, 2010

The "OK"

 “Oh, that’s OK”.

That’s kind of a funny thing to say to someone after they have wronged you isn’t it?

If someone has done something wrong why do we say “Oh, that’s OK” when it really is not?

For example, a couple of days ago I went to my voice teachers little studio, and I had to use the bathroom. Now when I say a bathroom, don’t think of a bathroom in the traditional sense of the word, with a little room with sink, toilet and perhaps a shower. When I use the phrase “bathroom” here,  think of a closet that has been made into a bathroom.  This particular bathroom must be where they got the name for “water closet” they have at those fancy hotels, ya know, like the Best Western or the Airport Ramada.

So I shimmed in, because I literally had to turn sideways to get into this tiny room, and took a seat. It was actually kind of cozy as I had to scrunch down because of the slanted ceiling.  I also found it quite convenient to rest my arm on the sink as I, as my long crammed against the closed door.

My comfy rest was quickly interrupted however, as I heard someone approaching the bathroom door. So I did what any sane person does when they question the reliability of a bathroom lock…I started whistling and clearing my throat so they would know that this little water closet was “occupado”.

But for whatever reason she started jiggling the door knob.

What? Didn’t I make it abundantly clear with all my whistling and throat clearing that I was in there?
So I shouted, “Just a minute.  Someone is in here.
To which she responded, “I’m so sorry”.
Which I followed up with, “Oh, That’s OK

That’s OK”? 
Is it really OK? Again, that is an interesting phrase to use.

I can see her on the other side of the door thinking, “Well he did say it was ok, so I am going to try to get into this micro-bathroom because he obviously doesn’t mind an extra person in there. It’ll be like a little pee party.”

Do you see what I am driving at friends? I know we are just trying to be nice, but when someone is trying to bust into the bathroom door while you’re doing your business, shouldn’t we cast aside pleasantries and get to the point of what we want?

Oh, I don’t know, maybe we can say something like “I forgive you sweet friend, now slowing step away from the door and let’s never speak of this again” or “Touch the door handle again and I will break your hand”, ya know something subtle like that.