Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Scripture "Yea" Confusion

Here is my favorite thing that happened in church on Sunday. So I teach Sunday School and I asked for a volunteer to read a scripture for me. So this sweet sister in front raised her hand, for which I was so grateful because it usually takes five minutes for anyone to respond to me after I ask a question.

Let me pause here to say, for those who aren’t familiar with the scriptures, that one of the most commonly used phrases is “yea”, as in “yea verily”, or “yea, there was much rejoicing”, and so on and so forth.

But sometimes, you look at that word "yea" and think it’s the word “yeah”, as in “I loved that rock concert. Yeah!” or “Yeah. I really like your crimped hair”.

So you can imagine how funny it was when this sweet sister started reading thusly:

And now I say unto you that this is the order after which I am called, yeah, to preach unto my beloved brethren, yeah, and every one that dwelleth in the land; yeah, to preach unto all, both old and young, both bond and free; yeah, I say unto you the aged, and also the middle aged, and the rising generation; yeah, to cry unto them that they must repent and be born again.

She sounded like she was a cheerleader trying to get us amped for the second coming. And friends it worked!

Inside I was laughing so hard that I almost had to fake a dramatic spiritual experience and run out of the room. 

Such a great day at church!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Funniest Writer at BYU

So when I was at the BYU there was a writer who wrote for the Daily Universe name Eric Snider. And there were so many times that I would read his column in the Harold B. Lee Library and laugh so hard that the student librarian would have to ask me to quiet down or she would have to take a "pile driver" to the back of the head.

I guess I pay homage to Eric Snider because his style of writing, as the German says to Marin Short in the hit movie "The Three Amigos", has Inschpired me.

If you have minute, or twenty you might want to browse around his past writings. My favorites are his "Declined Twilight Screenplays", good laughs.

So without further adieu, I give you Mr. Eric Snider, (pause...wait for applause)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Costco Fear

Don’t tell anyone, but I think I am a little scared of the sample lady over at the Costco.

Not “scared” like she is going to come at me with her hot greasy spatula, and take my wallet. Because ya know, she like 80. But “scared” of having to stand there and listen to her little memorized speech about the sample you want to...well sample.
Usually, if I am fast enough, I can grab the sample while her back is turned, but sometimes I get caught, and she launches into her little speech. And instead of just standing there and saying “thank you” and walking away with my sample, like a normal person, I feel like I have to earn my sample and engage in some sort of dialogue with this woman.

 I stand there nodding my head and say things like, “A whole box of these Vienna sausages for $1o.oo? You are right that is an amazing offer. Or “That is a great suggestion for my next social gathering. I have always said that granola bars are a great appetizer for any great party.

Sometimes, because I feel like I need them to feel good about the little show they just put on for me, I will say, “Oh that three bean salad was so great. I am going buy three boxes of that”. Then I will load up my cart, turn the corner, and when no one is looking I will deposit the unwanted item on the next aisle behind the huge boxes of “Easy Mac”.  Needless to say, leaving Costco takes me several hours because I spend most of my time hiding products I don’t actually intend to buy.

I wish I could grab my sample and before the sweet sample lady launches into her little presentation, and say, “Save it grandma, I am just here for the snacks.”

But I am far too nice for that.  I will just continue to falsely build the sample lady’s confidence, and stash products I don’t really intend to buy throughout Costco. 

That’s seems so much nicer to me. Don’t you think? 

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Life Saver Spark

So my coworkers were talking yesterday about fun things to do on a date. I chimed in saying that if you turn the lights out and bite into wintergreen Life Saver it will spark. A random thought I know, but none of them believed that this would actually work.

So I pulled all eight of them into my office to prove to them it was true.

Let me pause here to say my office is the size of closet and can fit possibly four very slender people comfortably. So all eight of us packed into my office was a pretty tight, fit even for the very slimmest among us.

So I turned out the lights and I told them to look directly into my mouth. So now, not only are we crammed in my office/closet, all their faces are inches away from my face, and we are standing in the dark.

Do you know what would be really awkward to have happen around this time?
Oh, to have my boss what in.  
Guess who comes walking into my office right when I bite down on my Life Saver?
My boss.

Now my boss and I have shared some awkward moments in the past, lest, we forget the terribly embarrassing Electric Slide” incident about two months ago. So, as soon as I saw the light from the door opening, slicing the blackness of our tightly gathered Lifesaver experience, I knew great awkwardness was about to ensue.

So…um…what are you guys doing?” my boss asked.
Well that’s a stupid question. Isn’t obvious what we are doing in the dark with everyone looking into my mouth. The question you should be asking yourself is why you aren’t in here with us having a great time.” I replied to myself, thinking this might have been a funnier way to address the awkwardness instead of what actually occurred.

We all just stood there. No one moved. I think we collectively thought that if we just held still he wouldn’t be able to see us. That didn’t work quit like it did when we were kids. So we all slowly melted out of our poses and all my co-worker left me with my boss staring at me.

All I could say was, “Would you…ah… like a Life Saver?

Needless to say, I may be out of the job any day now.

So if anyone needs someone to teach line dancing or fun games you can play in the dark, you let me know.  I will be awaiting your call.