Monday, November 29, 2010

The Charity That Truly Faileth

I try not to let things bother me, I know I should just let things roll off my back. But sometimes people do things that seem so out of context and rude that it really bothers me.

Case and point, after an exhausting week where I was not feeling well, sleeping maybe six hours a night and then performing in a play throughout the week, I wasn’t in top form when I arrived at church yesterday.

I taught my Gospel Doctrine Lesson and felt really blessed it went as well as it did, in spite of how exhausted and sick I felt.

Admittedly, I ran a few minutes over, and I was trying to clear out of the Relief Society room as fast as I could and talk to a man who had some questions about what we had discussed in my lesson. When all of a sudden, something happened that changed me in a deep and a profound way for the rest of the day.

A hasty sister interrupted my conversion with this elderly man and said sarcastically, “Yeah...nice lesson. Seriously, we need to set up for Relief Society (with her voice going up at the end)”. Then she briskly put the traditional lacey fabric on the table and then sat down.

And I stood there wondering what would be the proper response to this sweet sister.

Now, I may not be an expert on the Relief Society Organization, and I have to admit I don’t really understand why the “tablecloth” is an essential part of worship services for the good sisters, but I seem to recall the motto for the Relief Society is “Charity Never Faileth”. Am I wrong in thinking that? I am pretty sure I am right.

But when a good sister approaches me in the way she did, I want to say a little something like this, “(clearing my throat) Sweet sister, you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Some of us, mostly me, who are sick, running on no sleep and feel that if they didn’t have to teach a lesson today, would be home, sick in bed. And when people are treated the way you just treated me…well ...it just makes me want to toilet paper your house."

And then I would walk away and then yell across the Relief Society Room, “Oh and by the way, if the motto of the Relief Society is “Charity Never Faileth”, which I do believe it is, your charity my good sister, faileth pretty bad. If you get worked up about making sure the table cloth is set, I would hate to see you in a real crisis.”

Then I would say, “Good day, Madam!”, and turn on my heal and walk out.

Instead of saying all that I just smiled and walked away like any good person would do.

Interestingly enough, she did wake up to her entire house covered in toilet paper…but I wouldn’t know anything about that.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Snuggie Commercial

Friends, you know I would rather step on my lips then to criticize others, but sometimes there comes an advertisement that begs to be critiqued. That advertisment is the new Snuggie Commercial.

As you watch the attached video, here are some awesome things to look for:

1-The "Macarena" in a Snuggie. Really friends?

2-Friends is it normal for a couple to hula-hoop and juggle in the bedroom? If so, you need to see a marriage counselor, ASAP.

3-Watch the couple spooning on the couch. The guy catches a piece of popcorn in his mouth and then gets all up in his wife's face about it. In real life wouldn't you just smack him?

4-I love that his wife does the "rapid gunfighter" move with her fingers when she wins her husband at...that's right...Jenga. You gots some made skills, sister!

5- And last but definitely not least, is the man "raising the roof" at the tail end of the commercial. First off, are we really still doing that? That was sooooo 10 years ago.
And secondly, he doesn't even do it right. "You just pump your arms buddy, not your whole body."
I am warning you, it's painful to watch.

People are always asking me, "Rob what is the difference between a Snuggie vs a Slanket?"
And I always say, "Better commercials."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Taco Stand

Sometimes I like to take my chances at the portable taco stand down the street. There is so much risk involved every time I eat there, it gives me a little thrill.

I have a 50% chance that I am going to have a fine dining experience in an open air dining facility, and have one of the best tacos I have ever had.

Conversely, I have a 50% chance that I will have a fine dining experience, followed by severe intestinal pain cause by rotten cheese or salmonella.

Ahhh, good times. I kid about food poisoning…but I uh…I do have it.
I LOVE EATING AT THE TACO STAND!…well I don’t love it…but I uh…I do, do it.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Halloween Treat

Friends, with the passing of Halloween, and some serious reflection on how it went this year, I have some feelings I would like to share.

I have never been a huge fan of Halloween because…well to be honest it freaks me out a little bit.  I don’t know if I am overly sensitive, but to be honest, Michael Jackson’s thriller still terrifies me.

Here are some items that have also terrified me this Halloween season:  

The Complete Lack of Clothing
I don’t know what happens to people in the fall, but for whatever reason, otherwise sane people just go nutty about being scantily clad on Halloween. If you want to want to wear these items around your house, good on ya’, I can support that. But don’t bring yourself into my office dressed like that. 
And if you have to give a presentation at work on Halloween, maybe dressing up as Michael Phelps in only a  Speedo or as Little Bo Peep Show really isn't the best wardrobe option for ya'. It makes us all feel uncomfortable, and frankly, you should feel uncomfortable because your body shape and sized are not supporting you in your costume choice this Halloween season.

Children, Children Everywhere but Not a Drop to Drink
I don’t mind kids on Halloween, and I like it when my co-workers bring their children into my office for display. But I will be darned if someone I don’t even know comes into my office with a gaggle of children and expects me to give them candy. So I reluctantly give them my candy, but then they just in my office waiting for me to tell them how cute their kids are, and how much I like their costumes. 
I don’t like being pressured into a compliment so there we all sit in silence unto one of us leaves. Usually it has to me...which is awkward since it’s my office.

Do Children Trick or Treat Anymore?
This year I went all out on the candies for the little children. I bought the king sized candy bars and do ya’ know how many children came to my house? Zero, nobody. 
I was in my house dressed in my Michael Phelps Speedo costume, watching Michael Jackson’s Thriller, eating three full cases of king sized Snickers alone. That can't be good for ya'.


I really hate Halloween.