Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Incredible Exploding Egg

Do you ever start out your morning by saying, “Rob you’re a genius!

That is how I began my morning today. It is rare that I start the day this way but friends I was feeling incredibly inventive.

I have been really busy lately because of work and I am also in a play at night so finding time to eat has been a bit of a problem.

So this morning I woke up early and said I am going to make some hard boiled eggs so that I can just pop them in my mouth while I am on the go. It is good protein and I can gag them down with water.

Let me pause here to say I don’t love eggs. I eat them for the protein but I usually have to plug my nose and shimmy them down. Sometimes eggs trigger my gag reflex which is really embarrassing for how many times I have ordered eggs on a date.

I was running low on time so I thought why not just boil them in the microwave? Again, Rob Abney you are genius.

So after about, oh, I don’t know, eight minutes basking in my own greatness, the explosions started.

I am not talking about little “booms” here friends; I am talking about full on “someone is throwing grenades into my house” type of explosions.

So needless to say after a half an hour of using a sand shovel to dig yoke out of my microwave I feel sufficiently humbled.

Apparently I missed the day in Home Economics when we covered such topics as “Boiling an Egg: Doing It in the Microwave Could In Fact Kill You”.

The worse part of this whole thing is that now my entire house smells like egg poop. I was dry heaving all morning.

Technology: She is a bitter mistress.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Sharing of the Hymnal

Do you ever offer to share your hymn book with the person next to you at church and they don’t hold their half of the hymnal?

It really is frustrating because you are forced to take the full weight of the book (which, let’s be honest, those hymnals are not light) with your one hand.

By the time you are half way through the song your thumb starts burning and your whole hand starts to get the “shakes”.

You think the person next to you will get a clue that you might need some assistance because the unsteadiness of your hand gets bobbing and weaving the hymnal all over the place. But for whatever reason your neighbor's head is bobbing and weaving right along with your hymnal.

By this point, your muscle spasms have increased to the point that you might as well be reading the hymnal on a roller coaster than to be able to see it clearly in your pew.

By the fourth verse you are telepathically screaming at your neighbor to please just take the other side of the hymnal. I mean, isn’t that why we go to church to help lift one another’s burdens that they may be light? Friends, I think it is.

Finally the song ends and you pry the hymn book out of your hand.

Then you realize there are three more songs to be sung.

Friends, needless to say, I am a little sore today. It has taken me five hours just to type out these feelings.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Bathroom Noise

Do you ever go to someone’s house for a visit or party and feel the need to freshen up?

And once you close the door to their bathroom, which is located right next to their living room by the way, you become acutely aware of the inadequate sound barrier within their bathroom chamber.

You begin to worry about what the guests outside might hear as you are in the bathroom. And to compound your problems you may have had some bad Indian food for lunch.

And all of a sudden you become supremely self conscious of every sound you make in the bathroom. Even to the point where you start sweating and doing irrational things like running the tap water as you do your business, or stuffing toilet paper underneath the door to create a more effective sound barrier.

This thinking is completely irrational because we all make noise in there. Am I right? So why all this sensitivity?

I bring this up because yesterday I had this experience and I think at one point I was trying to “shush” the toilet as I flushed.

I am I insane? I am not ruling it out at this point. However, I don’t think I am the only one who feels this way. Am I right friends?

Monday, November 9, 2009

The Helpful Response

Do you ever go to Sunday School and the teacher asks a question and after there is a very loud silence that permeates the room?

All eyes are cast to the floor as if there is a fear to make their sentiments known concerning their gospel knowledge.

The awkward silence seems to last for ages and still no one in the class budges or even makes an attempt to answer the question. Now why should that be?

I feel so sorry for the teacher because he starts sweating and pleading with his eyes for anyone to raise their hand to move his little lesson along.

So naturally, being the generous soul that I am, I raise my hand and start in on an amazing comment.

But as I start to talk I get a little carried away with how great I am and kind of lose what his question is really about. So I talk a little about faith, and then merge over to repentance, then bounce some controversial facts about caffeine in Barqs Root Beer in there.

And so I continue for what seems to be several minutes. I want to stop but I couldn’t seem to wrap up my comments to a point that would make sense so I just kept talking. It is like I had word vomit and I couldn't stop my comments from coming out all over the place.

After a couple of minutes of talking I didn't even know where I was in regards to this poor man's lesson. Hint: Once you find yourself talking about how Noah survived in the arc with all those animals (Seriously though, the smell alone should have killed his entire family. Am I right?), you have drifted too far from home friends. Bring it on back to home plate.

So finally, I couldn't find an out for myself so I just said, “And that is all I have to say about that. Thank you.

And if you thought it was silent before…It seemed like the entire class was staring at me as well as the teacher.

The teacher took a minute and very slowly said, “OOOKay…So…um…thank you for sharing that.

I felt bad because I really wanted to help my teacher friend, but I am afraid I took his lesson way off course. It took him a couple of minutes to bring us back to the subject at hand.

Now I know why no one comments in Sunday School.

Mystery solved friends, mystery solved.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Nog

Friends it’s Egg Nog time!

It’s officially November and as such it is now open season to buy and drink Egg Nog.

I must confess I already started drinking it in October. I am not proud of it but the rich deliciousness helped me get through a very difficult time. Sure I am ten pounds heavier, but as my friend Sheryl Crow has said, “if it makes you happy it can’t be that bad.” Words to live by Sher-bear, words to live by.

Now, I have recently heard some very negative things concerning the goodness of Egg Nog. This is troubling to me because what is more American than Egg Nog? I am, I am,..I am.

First off, some people complain that Egg Nog is too fattening. Too fattening? Woman please!

I think the problem is that people are thinking they can drink Egg Nog like they would drink a Big Gulp. Oh sweet na├»ve friends, no, that is not how we drink our Egg Nog. You have to drink it in small portions. I would recommend purchasing a shot glass from your favorite bar or tourist attraction to help in your portion control. Trust me, you won’t feel so heavy after you drink it. Unless you are like me and do like 14 shots within an hour.

Secondly, don’t dilute you Egg Nog with milk friends. Are you kidding me? Come on, “man up”, drink the hard stuff, it will put hair on your chest. To really enjoy a full flavored Egg Nog you have to drink the full creamy version that comes straight out of the carton. To dilute Egg Nog is like taking a Renoit painting, throwing water on it, smearing the colors together and saying that it looks just as good as the original. And let’s be honest, we both know that is a lie.

Lastly, don’t just guzzle it down. You must sip it. Sip it and let the rich creamy flavor penetrate each taste bud, and be prepared to experience a feeling of peace and a feeling that the world is slowing down (Hopefully this is a result of the Egg Nog, and not because the rich cream is slowing your heart down to an unhealthy level. If so go back and check your portion control.)

I hope this has been helpful. For those of you who have resisted drinking Egg Nog, I hope this will be the year that you embrace it with all your other holiday traditions. Tis’ the season to be Noggy.

For those who already love Egg Nog. I am getting a keg full of Egg Nog for New Years this year. We are going to drink Meadow Gold Egg Nog until our hearts stop or we are too sick to move. Either way it is a win-win.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Extra Hour of Sleep

I know I write the same blog every six months but …

Really? Day light saving again? I just barely got my sleeping pattern regulated and here we go again changing the time around. What in the Sam are we doing people?

I am so angry that we are trying to fiddle around with nature’s timing mechanism, the sun. If Mother Nature wanted us to screw around with time she wouldn’t have invented the sun dial. But friends she didn’t. Why we feel like we have to mess around with a good thing I will never know.

Sure people tell you we get an extra hour of sleep, but seriously that is only for the first night. They rest of the week your body is freaking out because it doesn’t really understand what you are doing and you end of being more tired with your supposed “extra hour of sleep”.

I am done with this messed up system. I am not doing it this year. I am keeping my old sleeping schedule. I am in bed at 9:00 pm and waking up at 5:00 am that way my sleeping schedule goes uninterrupted.

Sure I am going to be super early to work and may have to go home early from several events but seriously, friends something must be done.

Whose with me?