Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Halloween Faux Pas

I have never been a big “Halloween Guy”.  May be it’s because I had a bad experience in a haunted house or may be because my entire family was murdered on Halloween when I was 10. I don't know, it's hard to be sure, but for what ever reason I have always felt a disdain for Halloween and Halloween related activities. I just can't seem to embrace the fun of of it all.

Last Friday, we had an Office Halloween Party complete with a costume parade and trick-or-treating. So for the children I decided I would rise above my dislike for Halloween and give out candy to the kids that came through our office.

 At first it was tedious, but as the day wore on, I really started enjoying myself as I engaged in the parade of costumes.
Here is Iron Man”
“Look it’s the weird guy from Yo-Gabba-Gabba!”
“Oh look...It’s an adult belly dancer who needs to wear a more age appropriate costume next year. Good to see you...and I mean off all you.”

So by the end of the day I was really enjoying myself.  I was hopped up on candy and I was feeling great! I felt like a regular Willy Wonka, minus the weird eccentricities, the poofy hair…and the Umpa Loompas.

Towards the end of the day, I saw a child, who appeared to be 13 or 14, with long curly hair heading my way with a Spiderman costume on. So I shouted,
Watch out everyone here comes Spider-Woman.”
To which the child replied, 
“But I am Spider-MAN.”
“Oh course you are, honey. But because you are girl we would call you Spider-WOMAN. Oh isn't she precious?” I said turning to my coworkers.

Then the mother of the child gently cupped my elbow, and in an intense whisper, said, “This is my son. He is a male. He is Spider-MAN.”

A heavy awkward silence fell over the entire office.
I dropped some candy into his bag and they promptly left.
Where upon, I handed the candy bowl to my coworker, walked into my office and turned on some Christmas music.

Halloween...I hate you. And Kid...get a hair cut.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Awkward Pick Up

An interesting event happened to me last night that changed me in a deep and profound way for many minutes thereafter.

Last night I was sitting alone reading a book at a Latin culture event I was attending.

As I was sitting and reading my book, a beautiful woman kept looking at me from across the room. Of course I was flattered and gave her a smile back. Although, I didn’t speak her native language, I was pretty sure as to what was being communicated between us.

She started walking over to me, and it was just like something out of a movie. Time seemed to stand still as her hair billowed in the cooling breeze of the air compressor I was sitting on.

Her lips parted and she spoke, “Hi my name is Carmen. I hope this isn’t awkward, and I never do this, but I was wondering if you would like to...

She paused.
My thoughts raced, "Like to? You would like to what? Have my number? Bear my children? Slow dance to the gentle purr of the air compressor? What?"

 After what seemed to be a very long and pregnant pause, she said, “I was wondering if I could set you up with my MOM?"

To which I responded, “I would love to go out with you. Wait. What? Your mom? Whaaaa?” 

Really?  Really

I just stood there in silence, and told her I would have to think about it. I think my reaction must have been a physical manifestation of the air escaping from a birthday balloon.

What the heck people? I know I may not look like a twenty year old, but I know for darn sure, I am not to a point where I look like I should be set up with someone’s mom. 

OK,Your silence is deafening.

It doesn’t matter what you think, I am still confident in my ability to attract people of my same age group.

This whole event has made me really made me rethink what kind of a vibe I am sending out to people. Maybe wearing a cardigan and smoking a pipe is not appropriate attire for my men in my age group.

I may need to pick up a bottle of Oil of Olay and Spanx on my way home tonight.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Zombie Attack Safeguards

So one of my friends told me to watch this TV show called the “Walking Dead”that is about zombies attacking the world. 

As I watch it I keep thinking, “Are zombies really a viable threat?”  Every time someone dies on the show from a zombie attack I have to do an exaggerated eye roll and say, “Um, sweet friends that death could have been completely avoided."

Here are some tips that I came up with to avoid being eaten by zombies, should the problem ever arise:

1-Shut Up and Run-Friends, it would be one thing if once if zombies developed some super human strength or could run really fast, but they can’t. Most of the time zombies are dragging a limb or other appendage behind them, so they can’t sneak up on you or run after you. So if you see a zombie, shut up and run, chances are they can’t out run you.

2-Boom Box It-So in “Walking Dead” the zombies supposedly are attracted to loud noises. So if you are living amongst zombies friends, always carry a huge 80’s style “ghetto blaster” with you at all times. If you ever get into a jam with a group of zombies, drop your ghetto blaster, push play and while the zombies are enchanted by the musical stylings of Kenny G, you can make an easy escape. No muss…no fuss.

3-Drive and Live in a HUGE RV - So these poor, sweet people in “Walking Dead” are driving around town in Jeeps with the tops off, and one guy has the gall to ride a motorcycle. They also feel like it is safe to camp outside for some odd reason. Really?(with my voice going up at the end.)

Friends, aren’t you asking to be eaten while spending so much time in the open? 9 out of 10 zombie survivalist say, "YES!"

If there are zombies running around your town friends, sneak over to RV Outlet, steal yo’ self a pimped out motor home and STAY INSIDE.  There is no reason we should spend time in the open at all. If zombies attack your motor home you can just run over them. Again, let’s not over think this.

4- Stadium of Fire- All the people in the show are worried how they will win the war against the zombies. And here’s me, “Ah, doy! It’s not rocket science people, geesh.”  

OK,here is what you do, you take your RV, slap some speakers up top, start playing Jock Jams Volume 4, lure the zombies to a football stadium lined with tar. The zombies feet will stick and they will get all stuck together. You light a match, and, boom, zombie problem taken care of. 

Then you go from town to town doing the same thing. And you could make t-shirts that say “Zombie Farwell Tour 2012” or something cute like that, I don’t know, you decide.

So friends don’t let the fear of a zombie attack keep you up at night…vampires are a whole other story. If “Twillight” has taught us anything, it is that a vampire attack is a very serious concern to the safety of society, unless you fall in love with one, and then it’s awesome.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Neighbor Gift

Friends, the holidays are rapidly approaching and as I have always said it is never too early to start stressing out about what to give for “neighbor’s gifts” this year.
If you are like me you don’t want to give bake goods again because let’s be honest, they end up in the trash. And last year I gave Costco muffins with the tag, “I’m getting’ “muffin” for Christmas” which was really cleaver, but it cost me like $12,000.00 to fund.

Well my good friends and crafting muses, down ta' Craft-acular, Krystal and Carol, introduced me to a fun and easy craft to give your neighbors this year. 

It’s a gift that is inexpensive, and a gift your neighbors will never forget, I guarantee.

Behold, I bring you glad tiding of great joy in the form of…(wait for it)…The Tampon Angel.
It’s fun, it’s festive, it’s fantastic.

The hard part of this craft is coming up with the note to put on it because; you know it’s a…a tampon. 
What my tag is going to be this year is this, “Come they told me, Tampon-a-pon-pon…”

But you come up with your own because I would love to hear your ideas on this.

If the tampon angel is not your thing or your neighbors are avid hunters, how about the tampon blow gun? Some PVP pipe, some duck tape and box full of tampons and you are good to go.

For more fun craft ideas with tampons, see this website, whose only medium is tampons in the creation of some amazing holiday art. It's Tampastic!

Monday, October 8, 2012

The Respect Star Wars Deserves

Is nothing sacred?

I just saw an ad for the new the Star Wars Angry Birds, being launched in November, and I have to say unto the creators, "Woman Please!"

As a youngster I reverenced Star Wars. It was as important as the Bible, the Book of Mormon, and the The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Many a parallel was drawn from my life to Star Wars, and the lessons I learned in the Star Wars universe shaped me into the amazing person that I am today.

And now we are making mock of something that I consider sacred. George Lucas when is enough, enough? Stop selling your birthright for a mess of pottage, already.

Am I the only one who feels that Star Wars needs to treated with a little bit more respect and not be cheapened with each passing year?

I mean haven’t we suffered enough watching those terrible prequels and that Star Wars Christmas Special? (P.S. if you haven't seen this Christmas Special, it is a must see train wreck.  To see our fearless heroes lessened to a holiday special where Princess Leia, it's pretty bad. You can almost hear Harrisn Ford whisper through the wails of the Wookies, "I can't wait until I make Indiana Jones."
You might feel fear and anger during your viewing, those feelings are normal and are letting you know this Christmas Special was produced by the dark side.

Do we need to watch this franchise become an angry birds game? Do we? Honestly?

What’s next? An animated comedy that pocks fun at Star Wars? Heaven forbid!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Actors Studio

So this year one of my goals has been to try to cultivate my acting ability. I have been in back to back shows all year, and although it has been a wonderful experience, I have realized some things. One of them is that theater people are very odd indeed.

Show Don't Tell
I have never met a group of people that love to tell you how awesome they are more than actors. I say “tell” but I really mean “show”. 
For example, supposing I was talking to an actor and I asked if he could do a Scottish accent. The actor wouldn’t be content to say, “Yes, I can do a Scottish accent”, but they would immediately start talking to you in a Scottish accent, which is fun for a minute, but when it drags on for 15 days it gets, how do you say, old real fast

So I have learned to never ask people their qualifications unless, I really want them to burst into song, perform a tap number, or mime something.

Physical Touch
I don't like people touching me, let's just be clear. I don't ask for much personal space, but I need at least, I don't know, 100 yards to feel safe and at ease. 

But I have noticed that theater people are obliviousness to personal boundaries. I used to take it in stride and let them touch, pock, hug,...and accept  the unsolicited back massage (exaggerated eye roll)
I don't know why people think I need a massage.They are always like,
 "Rob, You are so tense." 

And inside myself I am silently screaming, 
"That's funny I was perfectly relaxed until you started awkwardly kneading my shoulders. I don't know, maybe it's your massage that is making me tense? There's no maybe, it 's your fondling fingers that are making me tense. Now desist.", and then I have to punch them. 

The most unique people with the worst people skills work in theater. I don't participate  in theater to make friends, I am there to work...OK and to wear the sparkly outfits, but mostly to work. And I can't figure out why such odd people are drawn to the theater. 

In my everyday life I am surrounded with well adjusted people who are polite and seem to have a good grasp on societal norms, but I walk into a theater sometimes and it's like walking into "thunderdome".  People are yelling at each other, there are people bursting into spontaneous musical numbers while other people are trying to talk, and some have a complete lack of hygiene and are, how do I put this gently, socially retarded. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am the one that is considered weird among my acting brothers and sisters. I am sure in some back hallway other cast member are saying things like,
 "What's with Robierto? He never talks to us or gives into our forcible massages. We are astonished, not a little by his actions. What's his problem?"

My problem is I like to act.
In my real life I am emotionally constipated, I have a hard time expressing myself, and I am anxious about something almost every hour of the day.
When I am onstage I feel like I can express the inexpressible, say things that I didn't know I had in me to say, and after the end of a show my mind and emotions are finally at peace.

So if I have to put up with some nutty thespians to create some magic in my life...bring it on.