The Zombie Attack Safeguards

So one of my friends told me to watch this TV show called the “Walking Dead”that is about zombies attacking the world. 

As I watch it I keep thinking, “Are zombies really a viable threat?”  Every time someone dies on the show from a zombie attack I have to do an exaggerated eye roll and say, “Um, sweet friends that death could have been completely avoided."

Here are some tips that I came up with to avoid being eaten by zombies, should the problem ever arise:

1-Shut Up and Run-Friends, it would be one thing if once if zombies developed some super human strength or could run really fast, but they can’t. Most of the time zombies are dragging a limb or other appendage behind them, so they can’t sneak up on you or run after you. So if you see a zombie, shut up and run, chances are they can’t out run you.

2-Boom Box It-So in “Walking Dead” the zombies supposedly are attracted to loud noises. So if you are living amongst zombies friends, always carry a huge 80’s style “ghetto blaster” with you at all times. If you ever get into a jam with a group of zombies, drop your ghetto blaster, push play and while the zombies are enchanted by the musical stylings of Kenny G, you can make an easy escape. No muss…no fuss.

3-Drive and Live in a HUGE RV - So these poor, sweet people in “Walking Dead” are driving around town in Jeeps with the tops off, and one guy has the gall to ride a motorcycle. They also feel like it is safe to camp outside for some odd reason. Really?(with my voice going up at the end.)

Friends, aren’t you asking to be eaten while spending so much time in the open? 9 out of 10 zombie survivalist say, "YES!"

If there are zombies running around your town friends, sneak over to RV Outlet, steal yo’ self a pimped out motor home and STAY INSIDE.  There is no reason we should spend time in the open at all. If zombies attack your motor home you can just run over them. Again, let’s not over think this.

4- Stadium of Fire- All the people in the show are worried how they will win the war against the zombies. And here’s me, “Ah, doy! It’s not rocket science people, geesh.”  

OK,here is what you do, you take your RV, slap some speakers up top, start playing Jock Jams Volume 4, lure the zombies to a football stadium lined with tar. The zombies feet will stick and they will get all stuck together. You light a match, and, boom, zombie problem taken care of. 

Then you go from town to town doing the same thing. And you could make t-shirts that say “Zombie Farwell Tour 2012” or something cute like that, I don’t know, you decide.

So friends don’t let the fear of a zombie attack keep you up at night…vampires are a whole other story. If “Twillight” has taught us anything, it is that a vampire attack is a very serious concern to the safety of society, unless you fall in love with one, and then it’s awesome.


Art said…
Rob, you have taken this to the logical level. I'm much more a zombieland guy than a walking dead guy. (I love walking dead). A few simple rules like these and we'd all be much safer. I'm suprised that the walking dead cast hasn't met someone who's main goal is to wipe out as many zombies as they could. Setting large scale traps, making molotov cocktails, using archery equipment rather than guns for stealth and fire arrows. I don't know there's lot of things you could do I would think.
Heidi said…
Good thing my other car is an armored RV with a flamethrower.
Bethany said…
This list is now printed and lives with our emergency preparedness information.
Thank you.

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