Monday, June 28, 2010

The Toilet Paper Decision

Is the hardest part of your grocery shopping experience deciding what toilet paper to buy?
Yesterday, I ran into the store just to buy toilet paper, and it took me 20 minutes to come to any sort of a conclusion as to which toilet paper would work best for my personal needs.
At first, I went for the strongest and softest, the perfect comination of velvet and steel, Ultra Charmin. It almost make s you wish you had the “runs”.
However, as many of you know, for whatever reason, a 4-pack of Ultra Charmin, the Mercedes-Benz of toilet paper, now can cost upwards of $5.00.
Let’s be honest, why are they trying to gouge us on toilet paper? It’s nothing; it would be something if it was made out of cotton, or an exotic flower. But when you get right down to it, toilet paper is a bunch of lint stuck together on a roll. And they want $5.00 for this thing?
I stood there justifying this eleborate purchase by saying, “You work so hard Rob. You deserve to be pampered at least once a day… or once a week depending if I am eating my Activia like Jamie Lee Curtis wants me to.
But because I am on a budget and trying to save some money I swung the toilet paper purchasing pendulum to other side of the aisle. I put the luxury toilet paper down and picked up the rainbow variety picnic napkins that only cost .89 for a quantity of 800, and considered using them as toilet paper. I could save a boat load of cash, but on the downside could all that pastel dye cause an unforeseen skin reaction in an area where I don’t need to be scratching all day long? I don’t even get me started about the softness factor…
So I was back to toilet paper square one, deciding which toilet paper to buy.
Finally, after 20 minutes of going back and forth, I bought the generic brand “Petal Soft” for $3.00 and felt like it was a good balance of luxory and frugality.
It’s too early to tell how I feel about it since I didn’t take my Activia today. Hopefully it will be a good buck for my bang.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Awkward Family Portrait Website


If you haven't discovered this website, you must. It makes me laugh so hard.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Run

Do you ever overestimate your athletic ability? You have run a marathon, triathlon, and won the two legged race at your office picnic this year, so when your friend invites you to run a 5k you think to yourself, “Honestly how hard can this be?”

Actually pretty hard.

Did I mention I haven’t run for, oh I don’t know, six months or so? And I am still running in the same shoes from last year. And I was feeling gassy the morning of? But all these things notwithstanding I am an athlete, my body will automatically snap right back into the groove once that gun goes off. Right?

Let me also pause here to say that at this same race last year I placed first in my age division, so really I came into the race with a certain expectation of me winning yet again. But alas, who could have anticipated how events would unfold that would affect me in a deep in a profound way throughout the remainder of the race.

So for whatever reason I couldn’t find the start of the race. I am driving around hoping they will wait until I arrive, because I won last year, and it ain’t no party, unless it’s a Rob Abney party. Am I RIGHT?

I pull in right when the gun went off to start the race. So I jumped out of my car, trying to take off my sweat pants while running at the same time. So I couldn’t get them over my shoes but I just keep running with them down around my knees.

I really need to purchase some “pull away” sweat pants like they have in the NBA or at a local strip club, because I am afraid I looked really stupid.

So I am running a long, and feel like I am running in slow motion, in fact I might as well have been running backwards with how slow I was going. Everyone else was passing by me so quickly and I just needed to stop and take a little breather until my second wind kicked in. It never came, so I decided to take a short break at the 1 mile mark where they were serving water to get my head back in the game. Well, 30 minutes later and after a refreshing 15 cups of water I continued on.

I finished the race with a time of 60 minutes. Yep, I ran about a 20 minute mile, a very nice clip if I may say so.

Needless, to say I didn’t win this year. In fact, I think I came in last, well not dead last, one of my friends accidently went the wrong way and ended up running the 10K.

So the take away lesson from this experience friends is never put your confidence in last year’s win…and don’t show up late…and always wear “tear away” sweats.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Double Down

Have any of you seen this little cutie at your local KFC? It’s called the “double down” and friends you all need to go try it. My life was made better by making this purchase the other day.

I can’t put it into words so I will let KFC describe what it is:

The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!

Frankly friends, I'm a little worried about the future of bread. Why have we waited so long to have chicken fillets hold our sandwich contents together? They are delicious and nutritious, and with the Colonel’s original recipe it has the potential to make my PB and J that much better. Am I right?

I double dare you to go try it.

Don't think about, just do it.

Your heart will thank you.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The People Magazine

What is it about that “PEOPLE” magazine, huh?

You see it at the store and classify it as scandalous.

You see it in your neighbor’s home don’t you think less of them for buying that trash?

But when you are at doctor’s office, what is the first magazine you reach for?

Inevitably it’s the “PEOPLE” magazine, am I right?

And you aren’t just skimming through it either. You are voraciously looking at every picture and caption about those “Twilight” kids (those kids are so Hot right now).

What is it about the security of the doctor’s office that makes us so bold to read “PEOPLE”?

It’s hard to say. All I know is, yesterday when the doctor called me back into his office I told him that he was going to have to wait a couple of minutes because I really needed to know who the 100 most beautiful people were.

He laughed, and told me to come back now or I could find another Dr.

But the interesting thing was, when I walked into the examination room, guess what he was thumbing through? A “PEOPLE” magazine.

Yep, there is something about the Dr.’s office that gives all of us, including the Dr., the permission to look at trash unabashedly.

And for that I am grateful.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Things I Wish to Say

Do you ever wish that you were braver then you actually were and you could say the things that you are really thinking instead of hiding behind political correctness or being nice?

I do that a lot. Sometimes I sit and think of cleaver things that I wish I would have said in certain situations. I think this is why I usually only get six hours of sleep each night.

So I share them now with you, hoping that amongst my readers there are at least two of you who are heartless and could use these in your every day conversations.

1- Unclean!” To be shouted from your bathroom stall when you know the person that was next to you a few moments ago didn’t wash their hands.

2- Hey, baby your too beautiful to smoke.” To be said whenever you pull up next to a lady who is smoking in a convertible. Oh, and you need to say this like Barry White.

3- Umm, yeah, buddy, I don’t know if you are aware, but, uh, YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE!” To be shouted to anyone who has a muffler that is pumping out more smoke than exhaust.

4- Ah, sir you dropped this, and I am pretty sure you meant to put it in the proper receptacle”. To be said to anyone who flicks there ciggie on the sidewalk or out their car window.

5- I have no response to that” To be said after someone comments in your Sunday School class after a twenty minute tangent about something that has nothing to do with your lesson.

6- Oh, grow a set” To be said whenever anyone complains about something I ask them to do, like massage my feet.

7- I don’t know who you are, or where you come from. But from now on, you will do as I tell you. OK?” To be said to any child who gives me back talk.

8- Oh really? Well then you don’t know how to “kid” properly, because we both should be laughing.” To be said whenever anyone gives me a backhanded compliment, and then follows it up with “I’m only kiddin”.

9- Are you crying? Really? Oh my…are you really crying?" To be said whenever anyone cries over a Nicholas Sparks movie.

10 Your words are like fists. So please keep your hands to yourself.” To be said whenever anyone says my sexual harassment presentation was boring.

Take them for what their worth. And let me know if they gave you any satisfaction saying them aloud.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Culotte


Do you ever see someone who is wearing a dress while they are standing still, and then they start walking and you find out that their long flowing dress, is really pants? And you bust out laughing because...what is that thing?

I saw someone wearing one of these ridiculous things out in public the other day and I thought, "I am not a fashion expert, although many of my friends say I have an quite the "eye" for some great khaki pants, but don't these things freak people out. Aren't there some rules about looking so weird in public?"

And so I have included some of my rules for the wearing of this bizarre piece of clothing, called the "culotte":
  • Unless you are a women and have a formal gathering you need to get to, and your only means of transportation to said formal gathering is your bicycle or unicycle, you are forbade from the wearing of culottes.
  • Unless you are a women and have a rockin' cello solo in your town symphony orchestra concert, and you have to steady your cello with your knees and look formal at the same time , you are forbade from wearing culottes.
  • Unless you are a female martial artist who rode your bicycle to a formal dinner, where you were playing your cello and you were attacked by some ninjas, and you were concerned about modesty when you did your "high kicks", are forbade from the wearing of the culottes.

If you don't fit into any of these three categories and you decide to wear the culottes...I may have to a call the fashion police. Be warned.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Dressing Room

So I went shopping yesterday and had to try something on? And when I found the dressing room I realized that it wasn’t tucked in the back somewhere, where you would think it should be, but it was in the middle of the store. That’s correct, right next to where people were picking out a new pair of Khaki’s was the place where I was expected to disrobe and try on items.

Isn’t there something so exposing about being in a dressing room? It is designed not to be, but friends, until stores make dressing room doors that reach the top of the ceiling, and all the way to the bottom of the floor, how can we be at peace in that tiny little box of a room?

And it doesn’t help that they install these doors that are the size of those you might find in an old west saloon for coverage. Who are they kidding with those? They provide no protection against prying eyes.

And to make matters worse I am extremely tall, so those doors on the dressing room are really covering, at best, up to my navel. So if I am trying on a shirt, I really have to squat, which is never an attractive look for a man, so I can be somewhat modest by covering up my upper body.

And I can’t help but feel kind of like a burlesque dancer in there, except not as confident? I am showing various limbs above the door and dropping clothing on the floor. So if any pervert is watching, they could be getting quite a show.

So instead of giving fellow customers the satisfaction, I ended up squatting, and crouching on the chair in the dressing room so I could hide my entire body behind those puny doors.

And then inevitably you always have that one stray kid who has wondered away from his mother who is in the next stall doing the “squat and crouch” on her chair. And he decides to sneak away and stick his head underneath your stall to say “hello”. Which causes you to lose your footing and you slip off you chair onto the floor in your underpants, where everyone can see you struggling on the floor.

And women wonder why men don’t love to shop.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Ken Clip

This is so funny. I love it when Ken is at the Disco. Check it.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Job Search

Friends, in this time of economic hardship, where people of my age group are out looking for employment, I would like to share with you some observations/helpful suggestions to landing a job. Since the majority of my time at work is spent looking over applications and doing interviews, I feel I have much to offer in this area… oh, and you’re welcome.

Helpful Hint #1-
For all my Gen X-er friends out there who think it is so “awesome” to have your favorite music playing when I am waiting for you to pick up your phone, let me just clue you in on a little something. Unless the music on your phone is classical music or possibly a good John Denver ballad, take it off ASAP.

I can’t tell you how many times I have sat waiting for someone to pick up their phone while their favorite Mega Death/Slayer mix is blaring in my ear. Friends, it makes me not want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #2-
Never have one of those phone messages that goes a little something like this, “Hello…(and then I start into my conversation, which goes on until I hear…) Oh, sorry I am not home. Leave me a message….”

It makes me feel stupid. I don’t like it. It makes me not want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #3-
When I ask for your email on your application and you put your handle as,,, and my personal favorite, footlong**** it doesn’t look good. And worse than that friend, it makes me blush, in so much, that I don’t want to hire you.

Helpful Hint #4-
When I bring you in for your interview, and I ask you why you think you would be qualified for this position in law enforcement, and you say, “Well I just got out of a regional treatment center and know the inner workings of a lockdown facility.”, I have to pause…because I don’t even know how to respond to your answer. Sure it makes me want to cry, but sweet friend, it makes me not want to hire you.

It is a tough market out there, and I want to hire my Gen X friends.
So using terminology that they will understand, “Pull your heads out, and stop being such tools!”

FYI, all these experiences are too real I am afraid.