The True Test of Manhood

Do you ever find yourself in a place, where normally it is not acceptable to be, but then you have a genuine reason to be in that place, but everything inside you says you shouldn't be in said place?

Let me explain.

So, I am in a play and have to wear make-up. And for the first time in my life I have had to go to a place that feels so foreign to me, The Make-up Aisle.

I get so self conscious in the make-up aisle, as soon as another human comes walking down the aisle, I bolt like a startled deer. No joke, I have made three separate attempts to buy the required make up and have ended up running to my car in absolute panic, rocking and crying in the back seat.

So yesterday, was the final day I could go to get my make-up before the our dress rehearsal. So I drove to the Walmart, took a deep breath and plunged into the make-up aisle.

I was immediately overwhelmed with the the selections, colors, and different items of make-up for purchase.

Wouldn't you know as soon I walked in the aisle that a friendly Walmart sales person approached and said, "Sir, can I help you with anything?"

Inside  I wanted to say,
"Yes, you can. Can you just look at my skin tone and tell me, am I a Nude complexion or Nude Beige? Cause I want to say I am a Nude Biege.

Also, what is the difference between an eyebrow pencil and eye liner because they look like the same thing. 

If I need a light "blush" what does that mean? 

And can you show me what you have in a more masculine lip stick?"

But being a man, I said, "Nope, I think I got it." Which was a complete fabrication.

So finally, after 2 or 14 hours in the Cover Girl aisle, with various cosmetic products and equipment in hand, I headed to a cashier for a dreaded check out.

So I laid out my sundry of cosmetic items on the conveyor belt and just prayed she would just ring me up without making eye all Walmart employees do. But no, she looked at me and said, "Are you buying this make-up for your wife?"

Why would she assume it was for my wife?

I wanted to say, "Look Michelle, no it's not for my wife, it's for me, OK. I am in a play and I am playing the role of a 20 year old, and guess what? I am 40, so excuse me for trying to hide my crows feet and the dark circles under my eyes with a little concealer . And another thing, a lot of famous, masculine actors have to wear make up, people like David Bowie (may he rest in peace), Pee-Wee Herman, and RuPaul...OK, maybe these are not the best examples to site. How dare you  make the assumption it was for my wife, madame. I am a man who wears make up and I am not a shame!"

What I really said, was, "Um, yep, it's, a, for my wife."

It takes a big man to stand alone in the Cover Girl aisle, friends, a big man. And I am a big Man!

Maybe I am born with it.
Maybe it's Maybelline!


emmy said…
If you ever need to buy some women's hair dye you will now be ready.

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