The Days and Nights of Robierto

So this weekend was my 20 year high school reunion.  An event that has filled me with anxiety lo’ these past few weeks. Let me describe to you how I perceived myself in high school. I never thought I was popular enough. I had a lot of acquaintances, but very few real friends. I worried every day of my high school career about who I was going to eat lunch with. I remember feeling insecure, wondering if I was a good enough student, if I was athletic enough, if I was talented enough. In short I just never felt like I was “enough”. But after 20 years I feel a lot better about myself. I have accomplished some pretty amazing things in the last 20 years. Currently, think I have more self confidence then I have ever had in my life. So why wouldn't I want to go to my 20 high school reunion? I am freakin’ awesome! (toe touch) So on my way to the reunion I was feeling really good about my self and my decision to attend, because after all I was no longer that insecure 18 years old bo...

So over the weekend I got to volunteer at our local thrift store, called Deseret Industries. Ah, the sights, the sounds, and oh, the sweet, sweet, sweet, smells of people’s garbage. It’s a pleasure and a delight to be there. But Saturday was a special day, not because it’s the day we get ready for Sunday, but because there were some special treasures that were dropped off at the Deseret Industries that make me want to rush back and perhaps purchase them. Item Number 1- This item was dropped off by a man, who was one of those people who you imagine plays Dungeons and Dragons in his basement, has created replicas of every weapon from Lord of the Rings out of tin foil and toilet paper tubes, and still, surprisingly, has no girlfriend. Friends, how ‘bout a coffee table with swords attached.  “In case of Orc, goblin, or zombie attack, break glass.” Item Number #2- As I was unloading truckload, after truckload of donations, which is fancy name for "other peoples ...

I have a problem. My bladder is the size of a peanut. I forgot that when I went to go see Star Trek, and chugged a small fountain drink, which if you have noticed lately aren't really small at all. The new “ smalls ” at a movie theater, I swear are at least 109 oz. So there I sat nursing my “ small ” fountain drink, when all of a sudden as Kirk, Spock, and I left federation space, I felt a felt a little pressure on my bladder. But I thought, " I will be fine, this movie can’t be longer than 30 minutes. " An hour later, I was feeling so very uncomfortable, but I thought it is my duty as a member of Starfleet Command to stay with my crew and support them in their fight with the Klingons. What kind of a person would I be, if in the heat of battle I sashayed off to the little boy’s room? Two hours into the movie I was HNEOKN lOIJJKO, which is Romulan for “ hurtin’ fer certin ”. I was in so much pain that I sat in the plank position in my chair hoping to take so...

Do you ever get a text message that says, “Hey, we are having a party and we want you to come over.” They are not one of your contacts, and they didn't attach their name to the text.   So who in the world is this person? The sad thing is that I really want to attend a party, but I don’t want to text them back and say, “ Um...Who is this ?” Because I kind of feel like I should know who they are, even though I really don't. But this person obviously thinks we are friends, and that we are good enough friends that I would have them as one of my contacts. I fear by asking them who they are might hurt their feelings and may cause a retraction of an invite to their super fun party. So instead of doing something, I do nothing. Problem solved?

So this morning I went to a seminar about reducing stress in the workplace, which, if I am being really honest, I only attended for the free light breakfast. Oh, and by "light", they meant "lite", because “breakfast” was a “create your own yogurt parfait” bar. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I walked in and didn't see an omelet bar with a whole bucket of crispy bacon waiting for me. So there I sat listening to various ways of reducing stress in the workplace, when, out of nowhere, the speaker said, “ OK everyone get on the floor. We are going to do a visualization relaxation exercise. ” And instantly, I felt a surge of anxiety shot through me. So there I was in “child’s pose” wishing that I had worn my leotard, which I usually wear under my clothes just in case something like this happens, trying to figure out why I was feeling so anxious doing random Yoga poses in my “business attire” on a conference room floor. But as I sat there in ...

Do you ever look at your program at church, and you swear someone just made up the title of the closing hymn, because you have never, in your 37 years of church, sung it? Now everyone in my ward are what scientist call "timid singers". Our singing is almost inaudible because no one sings out. Now, I don't like to toot my own horn about my singing, because no one likes a bragger, but I was a soloist in my fifth grade choir, thus, I am not afraid of singing out, for I, like Charlotte Church, have the voice of an angel. So as the introduction to the song started, I thought to myself, " Rob, why don't you do everyone a favor and lead out on this song. Help these struggling saints find their inner singing voice ."  So I just jumped right in there, singing in a full, strong voice, " Ring out wild Hills, and save us ...." That's when everyone turned around and looked. And that is when I realized the organist was still playing the introducti...

So those who don't know me, I don’t like to be touched.  So getting a hair cut is a very painful experience because it combines two things I hate: 1.        Talking to strangers 2.        Being touched my strangers So  yesterday, I went down to Hair-i-dise City to get my hair cut by a women named Brad. Now Brad loves her body art, and yes, as you might imagine, has a tatoo of a hair dyer on her upper arm. So as soon as I sit down, she started running her fingers through my hair, and asking me things like how I wanted my hair cut, how long I had been going bald,  and if she could give me a shampoo after. And there I was thinking, "This just got way too intimate, way too quickly." So there she was, just a buzzin’ my hair, talkin’ about her body art and her friend Sharpay who left her husband for a bouncer, down at Port-a-Call. And then  suddenly, and without warning I see the buzzers coming a...