The Days and Nights of Robierto

So here is something funny… I went over to my local Target to pick up a power tool, which I am oft to do on a Saturday afternoon. As I was in the power tool aisle testing various power drills and seeing how manly I looked with them in my hand, something very bizarre happened that changed me in a deep and profound way. Just like out a horror movie I caught something out of the corner of my eye. A strange streak “ whooshed ” by. It was too fast to be human so my heart began to race. So I grabbed a double barreled power drill and a nail gun, for good measure, and headed toward the end of the aisle to investigate. As I peaked my head around the corner, behind me, at the other end of the aisle the same mysterious something “ whooshed ” past again. Well, if you thought I was perplexed before, now I was beside myself. What was this thing with unnatural speed and strange pink markings? Suddenly and without warning, from behind me, I heard the unmistakable sound of a chime. Not just any chime m...

Earlier this year I knew my hair loss was getting bad by some subtle comments that were made to me by the hair/make-up person in a play I was in. I was the angel Gabriel and so every night she would have to give me what she lovingly called the “ Angel Poof ”. In reality the " Angel Poof " was a nice way of saying, " Let's rat Rob’s hair until he bleeds, and then, because Rob may not be in a enough pain already, lets put a whole can of hair spray on his raw head, so that his hair won't budge even if gall force winds suddenly burst into the theatre." Seriously, it was painful, much like pouring lemon juice into a paper cut. Sure I knew I was receding and thought I was handling it all very well. I knew my receding hair line was gradually progressing up my scalp, but I still thought I had some good growth up top. Well, one night the “ hair lady ” subtlety said, “ Oh boy there is not a lot to work with back here”. She went so far as to say, “ Next year you may ha...

So remember how it was so hot yesterday? I was getting my car repaired at my friend’s shop, Larry H. Miller. As I was waiting for my car to be repaired, sweat was dripping down my back. And not only was I going to have to pay $900.00 to fix my oil holder ( I think that’s the technical name for it ) but the A/C was not up and running at Larry H. Miller Honda. So it was stinkin’ hot in Larry H’s waiting room. There was about twenty of us packed in a room the size of a closet which made it very uncomfortable. The man next to me was holding his overweight dog, whose breathing was quite labored, and this dog kept licking my leg. Sure that cooled off a tiny section of my leg but, cool off my entire body, it did not. And let’s be honest, dog breath, not such a great smell to have on ones leg. To add insult to injury the only thing on the community TV was "Judge Alex". And so there I sat, wet with my own sweat, thinking I had been there at least an hour but upon looking at the over ...

I don't usually love to tell tales of the bathroom but here we go. So I was in the bathroom doing...well...what we all do in there. To my side, a father was trying to help his son do " tinkles " in the toilet. He was not having a lot of success because the two year old would not hold still. And as we all know, holding still is really a huge part of the art of the “ one-sies ”, am I right? So finally, we are all finished and met over to the sink, to do the washing of the hands. When suddenly, a man burst through the door with a panicked expression on his face that comes only from having a “ doosy of a two-sy ” coming down the pike. He rushed into a stall and released a gaseous sound, the likes I have never heard before. We all were astounded and impressed at the volume of this man’s passing of the gas. But what does one say at times like these? When you know it warrants something being said or a joke about, but you’re not sure how to coin just the right phrase? Well, the t...

So remember that time when I went to see Miss. Saigon last night? Wow! For those of you who haven’t seen it, the curtain falls with one character dead and everyone else standing there, wondering how everything they wanted has suddenly slipped away with the suicide of a sweet Vietnamese girl. I sat in my chair as the curtain fell and thought, surely there must be a third act where our dead Vietnamese friend revives miraculously, and then they all fly to America where it ends with a rousing tap number with fireworks and people being shot from cannons. After I processed the whole show I have to say, I really liked the way it ended. Because sometimes in life things don’t work out the way you want them to, ya know. Sometimes your hopes are dashed, you lose your job, or you become a cripple. And sometimes when you are in Vietnam you get married, and then you have to flee the country, leaving you Vietnamese bride behind. And then you remarry in the states and start a new life for yourself o...

Did any one catch, as I did, this little production number on American Idol the other night? Admittedly I am not a follower of the show but as I was flipping through the channels, imagine my surprise when I spotted what appeared to be Paula Abdul singing and dancing. Upon closer inspection I realized it was her. But something wasn’t quite right. Now don’t get me wrong, I have on all the respect in the world for Ms. Abdul. She gave us such great 90’s hits as Cold Hearted Snake , Opposites Attract ( in fact when anyone ever says “two steps forward” I instinctively belt out, “and two steps back we come together because ‘cause opposites attract and you know…”well you know the rest .). And who can forget my favorite of all her songs Vibeology . I love that part when she shouts, “ horny horns ” ( I have to laugh everytime because what does that even mean ?). Thanks for that Paula, that’s true artistry. But when I watched her dancing and lip syncing, so she could not sound winded, I couldn’t...

It’s that time of the year again friends, the launch of the summer movie season. Now I am one of those people that has to be there opening day when a big movie opens. I have been known, in the past, to take the day off of work to see a movie that I feel is worthy of my time and money. I like to be around the “movie crazies” aren't they too much? The “crazies” who cheer when they hear the THX sound blast through the theatre, those “crazies” who yell obscenities at the screen when the villain comes on, and those “crazies’ who dress up as their favorite movie characters. Weirdos! So there I was, dressed up as Wolverine with my spandex and butter knives duct taped to my knuckles. I was genuinely so excited to see what I thought would be one of the coolest movies of the year. This year some of my family joined me for the “Wolverine” red carpet. My mom was dressed as Storm, my father pulled off Professor X very well, of course. And my younger brother and his wife were dressed as Rogue ...