The Days and Nights of Robierto

Here is my favorite thing that happened in church on Sunday. So I teach Sunday School and I asked for a volunteer to read a scripture for me. So this sweet sister in front raised her hand, for which I was so grateful because it usually takes five minutes for anyone to respond to me after I ask a question. Let me pause here to say, for those who aren’t familiar with the scriptures, that one of the most commonly used phrases is “ yea ”, as in “ yea verily ”, or “ yea, there was much rejoicing ”, and so on and so forth. But sometimes, you look at that word " yea " and think it’s the word “ yeah ”, as in “ I loved that rock concert. Yeah! ” or “ Yeah. I really like your crimped hair ”. So you can imagine how funny it was when this sweet sister started reading thusly: A nd now I say unto you that this is the   order   after which I am called,   yeah , to preach unto my beloved brethren,   yeah , and every one that dwelleth in the land;   yeah , to preach unto all...

So when I was at the BYU there was a writer who wrote for the Daily Universe name Eric Snider. And there were so many times that I would read his column in the Harold B. Lee Library and laugh so hard that the student librarian would have to ask me to quiet down or she would have to take a "pile driver" to the back of the head. I guess I pay homage to Eric Snider because his style of writing, as the German says to Marin Short in the hit movie "The Three Amigos", has Inschpired me. If you have minute, or twenty you might want to browse around his past writings. My favorites are his "Declined Twilight Screenplays", good laughs. So without further adieu, I give you Mr. Eric Snider , ( pause...wait for applause )

Don’t tell anyone, but I think I am a little scared of the sample lady over at the Costco. Not “ scared ” like she is going to come at me with her hot greasy spatula, and take my wallet. Because ya know, she like 80. But “ scared ” of having to stand there and listen to her little memorized speech about the sample you want to...well sample. Usually, if I am fast enough, I can grab the sample while her back is turned, but sometimes I get caught, and she launches into her little speech. And instead of just standing there and saying “thank you” and walking away with my sample, like a normal person, I feel like I have to earn my sample and engage in some sort of dialogue with this woman.   I stand there nodding my head and say things like, “ A whole box of these Vienna sausages for $1o.oo? You are right that is an amazing offer . ”   Or “ That is a great suggestion for my next social gathering. I have always said that granola bars are a great appetizer for any great pa...

So my coworkers were talking yesterday about fun things to do on a date. I chimed in saying that if you turn the lights out and bite into wintergreen Life Saver it will spark. A random thought I know, but none of them believed that this would actually work. So I pulled all eight of them into my office to prove to them it was true. Let me pause here to say my office is the size of closet and can fit possibly four very slender people comfortably. So all eight of us packed into my office was a pretty tight, fit even for the very slimmest among us. So I turned out the lights and I told them to look directly into my mouth. So now, not only are we crammed in my office/closet, all their faces are inches away from my face, and we are standing in the dark. Do you know what would be really awkward to have happen around this time? Oh, to have my boss what in.   Guess who comes walking into my office right when I bite down on my Life Saver ? My boss. Now my boss and I have shared some aw...

Friends, I am not going to lie to you, I am a sucker for free food. My co-worker came into my office today and said, “ Hey Rob, Technical Services is having a party. Do you want to come with us? ” “ Oh gosh no! I hate those guys .” “ They are giving away free pizza .” “ Well, I really should stop in and say hello. ” Free food is a weakness. Even if I hate the food, if it's free I can't get enough. Which is why going to Costco is really like going out to Chuck-o-Rama for me. If it was socially acceptable for a man to tote around a “ Le Bag ” I would take it with me every time I walked into Costco . ( I am really not sure if these are still in circulation, but my sister had one in junior high, and all I know is that I could fit my entire body into that thing. ) Here is what I would do, I would line the Le Bag with Reynolds Plastic Wrap and fill that bad boy up with samples until I had to drag that thing out of the store. Of course, I would have to come up with some disgu...

This is so funny. My new favorite video.

Someone sent this to me and I thought it was really funny. Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers. Here are last year's winners..... 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, ...