Monday, April 27, 2009

A Toilet, a Toilet, My Kingdom for a Toilet

In this time when we are bombarded with so many multi-faceted troubling issues that include Swine Flu, the downfall of the housing market, and above all why Wheel of Fortune is still on TV. I mean who is still watching that show?

I believe as concerned citizens we need to bring to light many political problems that would be otherwise swept under the rug. Friends, with everything else that is going on in the world, have we overlooked perhaps in the urgency to fix the economy other more pressing issues that we need to deal with? Have we?

One of the many advantages of working in a government facility is that I am kept abreast of all the major issues facing our fair county of Salt Lake.

One issue that was brought to light to me as I was out for my morning walk was this: Lack of Public Toilets.

Doesn’t that just ring true to you? I mean isn’t that an issue that has long festered in your heart and bladder?

Some good citizen has littered the county building with these professional looking fliers (I have always said that you can move political mountains if you have a professional looking flier to bring attention to your cause.)

Check out this gem. It is visual eye candy so be ready to be "wowed":

I am troubled to see so many good citizens with frantic looks on their faces, walking ever so quickly, cross legged down the sidewalk searching for any place to relieve themselves.

And let's be honest, if Jaime Lee Curtis is going to be allowed to push Activa Yogurt so forcifully, some one is bound to have an accident unless we have more public toilets available. Am I right?

Forgive me, but something must be done now. Can we set aside the economy and Swine Flu for a day and focus on the more pressing matter that is the lack of public toilets in the greater Salt Lake area? How about congress?

And while you are at it, can you work on getting Wheel of Fortune off the air? Too long has it taken a good time slot on KJZZ.

Congress do your thang, girl!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Extra Protection

I love this gift that my co-worker so thoughtfully gave me for Easter.

It gives me an added sense of protection in this crazy world we live in.

With this chocolate cross now I can ward off vampires and diabetics.

A gift that is both practical and delicious!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Too Much Hugging

Here's something...

So I am just minding my own business walking down the hall when this person who I only know by face comes up to me and says, “Someone needs a hug”. So I turn around thinking that the person who was in need of this special hug must be behind me somewhere.

But before I knew what was happening the stranger proceeded to engulf me in a hug for possibly a whole fifteen seconds. It may have been longer it's hard to say.

And I, not really knowing what to do, just surrendered by putting my hands to my side and let out a very loud sigh.

Why must certain socially awkward people feel the need to give hugs to perfect strangers? The answer eludes me at the moment but it sure makes us “normals” feel so uncomfortable.

I feel the same way about people who come up to me and say, “Smile…I am not going to leave until you smile… come on gives us a smile”. So finally you smile just so they will stop this embarrassing behavior. What am I? A two year old?

Inside you want to say “SMILE THIS” and then sweep their legs like Johnny in “The Karate Kid”. But because you are nicey-nice, and sweeping someone’s legs doesn’t go over well in criminal court, you just patiently flash your pearly whites and get on with your day.

I really have to wonder about people who make us submit to forcible hugs and smiles. I mean I am not opposed to the occasional hug when the situation moves me to do so, but these people who feel like they know when I need a hug or need to flash a smile seem strangely out of place don’t they?

If it’s just me I’ll shut up, but if others feel this way lets join together and stop forcible hugging!

Is it wrong to push people up across the wall if they come at you with open arms? If it's wrong, I don't want to be right.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Slim Goodbody

Remember when you were learning about the human body in elementary school? And your teacher would make you watch that show with the guy who had an afro and wore a leotard with his internal organs on the outside.

You just wanted to watch "3-2-1 Contact" and follow up with what the Blood Hound Gang was up to, but you had to watch “Mr. Slim Goodbody”, his official name, not “the weird androgynous man with his organs on display, who sang and danced to ridiculous music and gave us all nightmares man”, as we referred to him.

Well I was thinking about Mr. Slim Goodbody the other day and I thought maybe I judged him too harshly. Maybe he did put on a good program for children and he wasn’t as weird as I thought he was.

So here is a clip I found of this unique troubadour:

Oh my…What the…What? That’s even freakier now, right? I don’t know why we thought this was acceptable learning for small children. You can see his liver and rectum.
His rectum people!

Forgive me but with an outfit like that Mr. Slimbody was just setting himself up to be mocked. We may have been little but we knew that something was not quite right with a man who sported a leotard with all that funk going on.

Just as an FYI Mr. Slimbody is still going strong. Do you know that you can book him for an assembly. Oh, yeah, I am sure kids in middle school today would be very open to the musical stylings of Mr. Slimbody.

You might want to book him just for some nostalgia or to scare your children so they truly appreciate the genius that is the “Teletubbies”.

No matter what reason you justify for wathcing Mr. Goodbody, I guarantee you will be changed forever. Maybe not changed in a good way, but changed nevertheless.

Monday, April 13, 2009

IPOD Alert

Question: Do you want to know the danger of an IPOD?
Answer: Spontaneous public singing.

How many times have you had your IPOD on at the gym or grocery store and you think you are just singing in your mind where it is safe and warm, but then you realize, as people begin to stare, that you are actually singing in full voice Brittan Spears “Oops I Did It Again

When you catch yourself you vow it will never happen again but then once you hear the “Cocoacobana” you just have to let go and belt it out, not even caring who hears. public just called…and a…they do care, and wish you would stop.

So last night I went out walking in the rain with my IPOD. And as I was listening to my tunes I realized that because of the rain there probably wouldn’t be that many people out on the street. And I have a lot of open spaces with trails around me so I figured I would be pretty isolated and would be pretty safe to belt out a few of my favorite songs.

So I started out singing in mild, hushed tones. But the more I walked, the louder I sang. And I even felt like I needed to add some “pop and lock” moves that I learned from “Darren’s Dance Groves”. And that’s when I heard the crunch of gravel behind me.

Yeah, it was a runner who had probably been trying to warn me of his arrival like 100 yards away by clearing his throat, whistling, and yelling to save me from the embarassment that was about to persue, but because I had my music up so loud I didn’t anticipate his approach until he was literally right beside.

So just like in my “Public Speaking” blog from a few weeks ago I just fell to the ground and pretended to be dead.

I think I need more interactions with humans so I don’t feel the need to sing and talk to myself. What say you of this?

So I am just throwing out this warning to all you IPOD owners. If you must sing with your IPOD I recommend car, home, and then outside, in that order. Lest you be caught off guard by those around you who think you are crazy. Lest ye forget… Lest ye forget.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Happy Easter

Happy Easter Friends! I hope the Easter Bunny fills your baskets full of Peeps and Reeses Easter Eggs and not a lump of coal.

As my gift to you all this Easter I am providing you with two great videos. Both are funny but one is not for the faint of heart.

The first one is rated “G” for just plan cuteness, the second is possibly rated “PG” due to cute violence.

Watch the second video at your own risk.


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Wal-Mart Spa Package

Is it weird to anyone else that my local neighborhood Wal-Mart has a spa in it?

I can’t get over it.

Who wakes up in the morning and says, “After I get my groceries over ta' the local Wal-Mart, I’m going get a “peddy” and get my hair all did.

Who does that?

And when I see my fellow Wal-Mart customers walking out from the back in their towels to get a massage for us all to see, again, I have to say, "forgive me but that is too much."

Is it just my Wal-Mart or is this a standard feature at all Super Wal-Marts?

My local Wal-Mart fills my life with so many entertaining events. If you are ever in the greater Riverton area you just might want to stop on by. Perhaps we could get a “peddy”, wax, or a massage together. Pick your poison, my treat.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Age Appropriate Slang

Remember that time when you were a teenager and your teachers, scout leader, or adult equivalent would try to use current slang to get down to your level, so they could be "hip" and "street"?

They would use words like “totally awesome man” or “that’s gnarly” like they were speaking a foreign language. Loud and proud they would speak it and then look to you with a painful awkwardness hoping they had used your brand of slang in the right context.

Their use of my slang was so age inappropriate and usually had the opposite affect in regards to their desiring to be cool and accepted by teenagers. We labeled them as instigators and shunned them for trying too hard to be friends with us. They were ripe with over effort.

Bless them, they did struggle so.

So the other day I was over ta’ the Wal-Mart waiting to get some pictures developed at the photo lab in the back of the store. And as I was waiting to be helped by my friendly Wal-Mart photo lab associates I noticed they were in a heated argument.

It was hard to hear what they were arguing about. Any way, as I was leaning my body over the counter, I overheard them talking about some of the relationship problems they were having in the photo lab. More than likely it was a DTR, but really must we do that on company time friends? Must we?

So while I was listening ever so attentively, and wondering if they were ever going find time to help me, they spotted me listening in and the girl said, “Sir, I will be with you in a minute.” And without thinking, and feeling embarrassed because I got caught listening to their DTR, I said, and get ready for this, “Fer shizzle.”?

An awkward silence fell over what seemed to be the entire Wal-Mart. And my photo lab friends paused and just stared at me. OHHH so awkward!

Fer Shizzle? Really Rob? I never say "Shizzle", let alone "Fer Shizzle". I am not even sure what it means, but because I was startled and wanted to seem like I was “hip to their jive” I said it. Why, I ask myself? Why?

When you are 33 years old you need to drop the usage of the word “shizzle” all together...unless you are at a Snoop Dog concert and then I think it may not only be justified but requisite to entering into said concert.

All of a sudden I realized I become one of those adults trying to stay hip by saying words that are completely not age appropriate. After age 30 your slang usage should probably consist of words like "cool" and "neato"

The whole slang incident has got me straight up trippin’ boo.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Mechanical Penthouse

So yesterday on one of my walks I discovered something in a back corner of the Salt Lake County building. Outside of the door it says “Mechanical Penthouse”.

What? How do we have a penthouse in our building? We only have four floors.

I tried to open the door because I know what’s going on inside that “penthouse”. Our maintenance staff is in there wearing their smoking jackets and reading the New Yorker magazine, laughing like Mr. Howell on Gillian’s Island. You know that laugh that only rich people do?

They are all in there sitting around their full size bar where they drink and fill in their brackets during “March Madness”.

And what makes me the angriest is they have scantily clad waitresses dressed like furry animals serving them drinks. Come on boys. Really?

After all this time I thought our maintenance staff was out working but really they are just in there "penthouse" having a grand ol’ time while the rest of us our bustin’ our humps everyday.
I am not sure how I feel about working for an organization that has something called a “penthouse” in it. It kind of makes me feel cheap and dirty. And I don't know how I feel about my hard earned tax dollars being squandered on their "penthouse" enjoyments.

But all these feelings could be suppressed if I could just get a key to this little hideaway. Are you looking for someone super fun, I am your man.
I want in on this little gem.
How about it maintenance staff, what do I need to do get my smoking jacket?
Call me!