Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Standoff

For those who have read my blog before you know I have some issues using public toilets. If anyone talks to me, makes any sudden movements, or puts any undue pressure on me, my bowels lock up and I am forced to use a man’s version of Lamaze to get what I need to done in there.

So yesterday you can imagine my delight to walk into the bathroom and notice that I had the whole place to myself. I chose my favorite stall and sat down for a nice relaxing stay.

As soon as I sat down however, the janitor entered and started refilling all the toilet paper, and paper towel dispensers.

I was a little anxious with all his opening and shutting of the paper towel dispensers and hoisting those cheese wheel sized reams of TP into their proper place. But with the help of some deep cleansing breaths I was able to gain control without “locking up”. I just kept reminding myself that after he was done he would leave and I could go about my business.

But friends, he didn’t leave. He just stood in front of my stall waiting for me to finish so he could re-stock. I could tell he was getting impatient with me because through 1/4 inch gap in the door I could see him sighing loudly and looking at his watch.

Well, if you thought I was anxious before, now I was sweating and I could hardly even breathe. I was locking up fast folks, but I said to myself, “Why should this be. I have the right of way here, not him.” So I sat determined to win this silent standoff. I wasn’t going to budge until I had accomplished what I had set out to do, which was to …well you know.

Twenty minutes later he sighed and walked out. I stood, well sat, victorious against my opponent who didn’t know who he was up against. Who am I to get pushed around by the janitor? Women please!

So there I sat, I was relaxed and feeling good until I noticed…

“Oh crap…I don’t have any toilet paper!”

12 comments:

kmb said...

That was hilarious. Thank you.

Megann Wilkerson said...

I laughed out loud...in a room full of people...who are all now looking at me and wondering why I'm not focusing on the task at hand. It was TOTALLY worth it!

kjgray75 said...

Rob,

I feel a new sense of intimacy with you. Understanding the "locking of your bowels" has truly deepened our friendship. I remember now the pain you suffered at having to use the "stalls" at Stadium Terrace. At least we provided dry erase markers so you could memorialize some of your intermost thoughts as you performed your business.

Marilyn Abney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marilyn Abney said...

Rob, you are way too much sometimes..LOL...Anyway, saw some little toilet paper rolls for carrying in pockets the other day. Thought maybe you should look for some of those, with a coupon of course, and make a plan... with your stand... next time. Always be prepared!!!

Bethany said...

Oh Robierto. This is Bethany Weed, Ryan's wife. I have enjoyed your blog in secret for some time now, dipping back into the archives when I needed a laugh. I have enjoyed many of your toilet moments, but they were too far back in the archives for any self respecting cousin-in-law to comment on. But I can hold my silence no longer.

Aaaaaahahahahahaha... oh I have cried many tears. Thank you.

Miss Molly said...

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU.

Heidi Hamilton said...

Molly posted a link to your blog on her blog. I am so glad she did. Oh boy. I have not laughed so hard in quite some time. The "Nice Guy" was even funner. Seriously, I was in tears. You truly need to come up with a comedic act here. So hilarious! Thank you!

Sue Sparks said...

I linked to your blog through Molly's! You are so funny!!! I especially love the stall with the janitor post, the hymnal, and the bathroom noise...Oh, how I can relate:)

You need to take this show on the road! Seriously!

ShEiLa said...

This is hilarious.

I came over to read some of your stuff as suggested by Miss Molly.

Now you are linked so I can have a good laugh on a regular basis.

ToOdLeS.

thisnewplace said...

AHAHAHA!!! My guy gets "pee shy" sometimes. Not that I make a habit of hanging out in the bathroom while he is doing his thing, (certainly not when he's sitting) but he'll be standing there for a while, I'll be brushing my teeth and then I find him staring at me and he goes, "I need you to leave so I can pee, I got pee shy."

That being said I can't stand public toilets. I will go in the woods if I can, before going in a public toilet (woods not always being available of course)

Elise said...

I don't believe that words exist that can adequately express how funny this is to me. Thank you, oh thank you for the laughs. This did bring one thing to mind though- Have you ever been to NYC? Well, right by Time Square there is Charmin...It's a restroom paradise- Practically a whole building that is dedicated to Restrooms- and ensuring that you have a POSITIVE experience. "Enjoy The Go". If you haven't been there, I believe it definitely needs to be a place you visit before you die. seriously. :)