Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dating Tips From TV

So there is a couple of shows on TV I think are just ridiculous and insulting to the human experience, and more than likely these shows will be a large part of sending us all to hell.

But if there is one show that I hate more than any of the others it is The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I find it degrading, base, and if I may say, very sexist.

So I was watching the Bachelorette last night and actually found it very enlightening in regards to my own singleness-ship. By watching sweet Gilian, I realized some things I could do that would help me find my potential spouse or… just go out on a date (Let’s not get ahead of ourselves people. Baby steps friends…baby steps.)

The first thing that I noticed from watching the Batchelorette is when courting someone try to live in a mansion, have a killer hair and makeup team to make you look nice even at 6:00 in the morning, and have someone pick out some awesome outfits that accentuate your assets. And have them do it for you for free. (I think my mistake has been living in a condo, driving a Honda Civic and doing my own hair. I have tried to do some spray on tanning but I am not sure if that has helped or hurt, seeing how I sweat a great deal and usually I finish the night with orange dye seeping through my shirt. It’s hard)

The second thing that I learned is that it is really important to go on amazing, expensive dates. Hop on a plane or helicopter and go to an exotic location to hold each other as you zip line down a rustic mountain, or have a famous musician serenade you as you eat a scrumptious meal by candle light. And, oh yes, at the end of every date you must jump in a hot tub where you sip champagne and whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears. (My mistake, being on a fixed income and all, has been to go to Wal-mart on a date, sit in the blue ray/surround sound section and watch the demo movie. (Hint: if you get there before 6:00 pm you can watch the same movie twice. Check it)

And lastly, I have learned some great lines that seem to get used a lot on the Bachelor/ Bachelorette. Here are some I am looking forward to incorporating into my own dating:

After one date, start bawling and say, “I felt a real connection with you as soon as I saw you. We are soul mates.” And then just really let it all go as you hold your date. I bet girls love to hear that, especially on a first date. Am I right ladies?

Here is a gem that I might use as soon as next week. Get ready it will change you. Here it is, “I am definitely having feelings that I never thought I would feel for you.” That is so flattering to hear. What women would not swoon after such near poetry as that?

After every date, again with tears, say, “I had no idea how hard this would be. I love all 80 people that I have been dating, hot tubing, and kissing.” And go into the fetal position and cry out, “It’s so hard.”

Bless their hearts, they are so right. Dating ridiculously good looking people, going on dates to amazing places, kissing like 12 people a night, (they aren’t just little kisses either friends, they are full on F-R-E-N-C-H kissing), and living in a mansion is really hard. My heart bleeds for them, bless their hearts.

I have to say as I watched last night; The Bachelorette wasn’t half as ridiculous, idiotic, or half brained as I had previously thought. After all, I got some great dating tips and only felt cheap and dirty for about 45 minutes. Well worth my time, well worth it.

7 comments:

Heidi said...

So....I can blame my singleness on TV? AWESOME.

Maybe I should get me a mansion and a hot tub...

Ronnie said...

So what you are saying is you want to be the next "bachelor", right?

Megann Wilkerson said...

I LOVE the bachelorette and Bachelor. Such mindless TV that helps us realize that being quietly single isn't so bad - it could be worse....

Anonymous said...

I call it infidelity right in front of your very eyes. How would you like to marry someone you have watched "care" for those needy bachelors. Good grief...what more can I say?

angababe said...

Um, I think that all of those tips are great. But, allow me a moment to over-Angelize this. Probably you need to ask a girl (maybe a certain girl) on a date before you can test all of these strategies out...

Kimi D said...

i can't believe you gave in and watched it...because of your scoffing, i gave it up last summer!

Rachel K said...

I am friends with Jana b--I think you're cousins? Anyway, this is HILARIOUS, and I am your fan!