The IKEA Problem

Do you ever go to IKEA and walk in with the intent to purchase, I don’t know, perhaps a towel and walk out three hours later with two bookshelves, a storage shelf, and a chair?

And because of all the excitement, and your manly desire to assemble pressed wood furniture you walk out to your car only to discover, to your shock that you own a Honda Civic, and not a one ton Ford pickup, which you would actually need to haul all your boxed furniture back to your house.

These are the story problems they should be teaching your children in school, not the ones about a train leaving New York. “If your Civic is 12 feet long, and you are trying to put an IKEA box that is 17 feet long in your trunk. How much of your IKEA box will be dangling out of the back of your car?”

They say that necessity is the mother of invention so I sat on my pile of boxes to figure out a way to get all my long, weighty boxes into my Civic.

I figured I could hold all my purchases with one hand on the roof, and shift and steer with my other hand. I don’t want to brag friends but I am huge, and this wouldn’t be a problem for someone with my muscular arms.

However, I do live a good 30 minutes from the IKEA, and going 60 mph around some of those corners may cause some IKEA boxes to go flying off my roof and into someone’s bay window. And that would not be good, mostly for me, but also for that window.

As I was now laying down on my pile of boxes in the middle of the IKEA parking lot I saw a homeless man sitting out by the street and considered recruiting him for some help. If he could lie on top of my purchases and then lace his arms and legs through my back and front windows. I think that would hold friends. And in my mind’s eye, I could see him having a great time. He would more than likely be saying “Wheeee” all the way to my house. Much like you would do on an amusement park ride.

But friends let’s be real, one tap of my breaks, and that man is going flyin’. Am I right?

So feeling somewhat defeated, I did the walk of shame back into the IKEA to return a few things, well everything really. No matter how good you are at Tetris it really doesn’t prepare you for fitting IKEA boxes into your Civic.

The Customer Service rep was very understanding and didn’t pass judgment. He told me I wasn’t the first person to think their trunk space was bigger than they thought.

I was so glad he told me because as I approached the counter I was ready to share with him that I had AOR…Adult Onset Retardation. Thank goodness I can save that excuse for another day.